My husband’s marijuana use is getting out of control. He has smoked for over 20 years and it has never really bothered me until the last year or so. He is getting worse and worse. When our kids were little he basically quit but he seems to be in overdrive for the last few months or longer. Our kids are now 23 and 14 and he is not setting a good example for them either. He has a highly stressful job and says it helps him cope, but he is constantly in the shed smoking now. His mood changes if he hasn’t had his hit, he gets irritable and can be a real jerk and mean. He heads straight to the shed as soon as he walks in the door. I feel we can’t talk to him until I know he has had his fix. I have found myself lying to the kids when they say where did dad go? I just say oh maybe the toilet? He thinks I don’t know he is smoking before work, before he goes to bed and sometimes during the night. He is spending $100-$200 a week!! I know I need to confront him but unsure how to do it. We can’t afford a detox or addiction centre. I have contacted a few and they are upwards of $15000. Any advice would be great. Thanks ladies.
Husband and drug abuse. Help please.
Husband and drug abuse. Help please.
Posted in:
Relationships & Marriage, Mental Health, Men's Business
13 Replies
Ewww living with a pothead is so gross. I’ve done it too. Never again. I think You just tell him you’re not doing it. It might be great for him to work and be stoned but it’s no fun for a family or a partner. His choice if he wants to be a functioning partner/ father or a stoner. And they always fall back on ‘I have a decent job, I pay my bills’ that’s gaslighting - there is a huge problem in the way they’re functioning and the effects it has on you and the kids.
It’s not really a choice when you’re addicted, have you ever been addicted to something?
He obviously started young and never stopped.
He needs some form of rehab, you can’t just give him an a ultimatum and he also has to reach a point where he wants to stop for himself.
It is a choice. Yes I understand very well and have quit a lot of things now I have a family. He needs to stop his bullshit because it doesn’t help him, he needs to start making better choices. I do not agree she should hang around for rock bottom. She has a choice as well, to demand what she deserves and not stay for this. And watch because he’ll most likely get it back in control if he has to but if she just waits he’ll take the piss and go down hill for as long as he can.
I never said she should stay or not leave.
I simply said it isn’t as black and white as a choice, when it’s an addiction.
I also believe he may need professional assistance to stop, never said she needs to be involved in that.
Oh but right now, with him steering the boat for the whole house, it is. She’s letting his choices run them all, and that has to stop.
Addiction is a choice. Evey time an addict uses they make the choice to use. Recovery begins when they make the choice not to use and seek help. As an alcoholic for 10 years, yes addiction is absolutely a choice. Addiction is the responsibility of the addict always and saying it's not a choice is detrimental to recovery. I choose not to drink and stay sober the same way I chose to drink.
Spending that much money, being that absent from family life and him blazing it up before going to bed or work would be enough for me to be out the door.
Right now, you're enabling him. Why would he see the issue with his pot use if he's not facing any consequences? You hide the truth from the kids, you tip toe around him, you essentially act as if you don't know things are as bad as they are - all of that only helps him continue down this path.
He is going to need professional help, substance abuse is almost always caused by some underlying mental health issues but ultimately he needs to come to that conclusion on his own and he has to want to get that help. Usually that happens when a person reaches rock bottom, as I already touched on, you're kind of keeping him afloat at the moment. That's not always as helpful as you'd think!
I'd be presenting him with the options. I'll support you if you want to get some help for your pot usage. If you don't want to do that, I'm not sticking around...
I have a husband with addiction issues so I get this❤
there is no easy answer however all I can say is, it's his choice what he does with his life and his choice to smoke weed, BUT you have choices as well and you can say 'well I choose not to live with a stoner because I don't agree with drugs' (or whatever your reasons are)
This puts it back on him, and he has to then choose what he wants to do.
Set your boundaries....tell him clearly what they are, write them down if that helps and stick to them. This is your life too.
Look into drug counselling in your local area, it should be free or low cost. There is lots of hotlines you can call to find some help but remember HE has to be willing and wanting to change and only he can put in the work, you can only support him. Goodluck
Get private health insurance. The exclusion periods for mental health/rehabilitation are only 2-3months and it will dramatically reduce your out of pocket expenses. Provided he is willing to go to rehab. No-one can force him to do it so private health or not, it's a matter of him wanting to change. I personally, would not be keeping my children in that environment. I lived with a father exactly as you describe your husband and I can assure you, it has done some damage, family relationships are strained. The flow on effect is massive in the long term, it's not just about his choices in the here and now.
My partner and I split before he realized I was serious about him stopping, he was doing exactly what your husband is doing but it was also severely effecting our sex life too, he couldn't get it up. he also had a car accident badly injuring others while he was stoned that he nearly did jail time for. Only once he stopped could he see how being stoned all the time effected his whole life including our relationship and the lives of others.... I think it's something he has to want to do though or he just won't stop.... Please look into private health cover to cover the cost of an addictive behaviours program in private mental health - call some mental health facilities and they should be able to advise you on the best private health fund to go with.
Otherwise, and this might be a big call but maybe you should call the police on him when he drives to work in the morning and advise them he's DUI anonymously, or call his work. Sometimes it takes something big to happen to give them a wake up call hopefully not a car accident nearly killing innocent people!! Ive heard of this tactic being done before with family members that drink and drive.
Best of luck, I feel your pain. xx
Oh Mumma, I feel for you - Because I have both dealt with this with my husband and many many years ago I used to use weed. So I have so much to say about this. Ill try to compress it as much as I can but basically ...
He wont change unless he wants to. Stop looking for rehab. Weed is addictive and withdrawal is real. You need to decide what YOUR boundaries are and stop enabling him to smoke weed. Maybe start by calling it for what it is- he is a drug addict and it is now affecting you and your children. It sounds like you are ready to figure out what you will and will not support, and ultimately this is about you not him. I am here to talk if you need. It is a wild ride what you are going through and facing in the future xxoo
I’ve been in a very similar situation. Husband has always smoked weed. Varying amounts over the years ( been together 19) has ADD that his mother introduced weed to “calm him down” as a child 🙄 over the yrs I’ve had to set a fortnightly allowance on how much he spends on weed cause otherwise he argues to the death that he’s not smoking “that much” so I give him $200 a fortnight and take control of his finances during these times. He has usually realised pretty quickly that he is smoking way more than he should and reduced down on his own. Before the birth of our second child he had been amping up his usage. And same as u I wouldn’t even go near him until he’d been put on the balcony and had a smoke (there was no point) he got to a stage where he was quiet nasty towards myself and our 7 yr old son. Nothing positive to say just constantly pulling him up on bad behaviour and getting any get at him. And constantly saying our son didn’t respect him and doesn’t listen to him. I reply with why do u think he would? U don’t have any positive interaction with him he’s scared to be around u cause all u do is get angry and be mean to him… he’d deny this to the hilt…. And our arguments would always be because “I was stepping in when he was talking to his son and undermining him and this was why our son had no respect for him” so I started to talk to him after the fact and without our child around but he’d just refuse to acknowledge he was behaving like that at all. So I went back to pulling him up on it at the time it was happening in front of the kid as it was the only way to really drill into his brain that yes he did just call his son useless (not that his behaviour was useless which is an example of what he’d try to say after). Sorry this is long winded but at the end of the day I have stuck to the fortnightly allowance and told him I will not put with his behaviour and that he had to sort himself out or we would leave. It took a little while but he did and he stopped completely for 9 mths. Hardest 9 mths of my life, the mood swings the almost psychotic behaviour that he had no idea he was displaying. At one time the dr wanted to started looking at bipolar diagnosis for him… and then he settled. He’s started smoking again and I’m keeping to the fortnightly allowance and he has made the decision to only source natural and smoke without Tabacco now as he thinks that’s the problems 🤷♀️
I've been through this, he refused to give up, it took over our lives. Still going through family court after three years with him on supervised visits because of his constant use. All he's had to do is provide 2 clean tests but cant. Has cost him 10s of thousands of dollars and has now lost his licence twice in three years and now cannot get it back because he can't do a clean test.. for people saying it's just pot..its a very real addiction