Talk to me about bedtimes đ¤
My 6yo is absolutely vile when itâs his dadâs turn to put him to bed. This has been going on forever, but increased in 1.5yrs ago when his little brother was born.
The boys share a room, in bunk beds. My partner and I take it in turns to pick my big one to bed.
When I put him to bed, heâs okay and generally goes to bed without much fuss.
Each time itâs his dadâs turn, he will drag his heels, find something to distract himself with, not listen to his dadâs requests and generally wind him up. All the while saying he doesnât like his dad and wants me to put him to bed. When he doesnât get his own way he will start shouting which wakes up his brother. I then need to come up to re settle the baby. Thatâs when the screaming starts. Itâs like heâs being tortured. Primal screams. Itâs horrendous for everyone. The only way we can manage to calm him down is by taking him outside for a walk round the streets. He will usually come back calm and then he will let his dad put him to bed. Tonight this went on for 2hours.
I donât have it in me to do both bedtimes every night, I shouldnât have to.
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11 Replies
Can you put them in their own rooms so you don't need to worry about him waking his brother up?
I would make the walk around the block part of his bed time routine not just when he cracks the shits. Bath, story, walk then bed. It seems to work so why not put it in. Don't let the going to bed part be too drawn out, get into bed, kiss goodnight, I love you will see you in the morning, walk out the door. Save all the chats and whatever for earlier in the day or the walk.
Sounds like heâs connected to you and bedtime with you is something that he really gets a lot from. No you canât do it every night so dad needs to make his own routine extra special bonding time for them. The walk, chats, snuggles, setting everything for him. And you could have your special bed time before dad takes him. Ask him what he wants, is it the story or the cuddles and give him 5 good minutes until heâs all full. You can then also tell him if he doesnât go to bed properly you wonât have time to do that next time. Heâs winning when he wakes the baby and you come in, heâs getting what he wants so will have it in his head that thatâs his course of action when he has to go without you, so find a way to change that.
He feels comfortable with you, so you do it. My son always wanted me at bedtime. He felt calm and I understand his anxieties and calm him more than his dad who doesnât understand it at all.
Does he carry on for dad if you arenât home for bedtime? If he will settle if you arenât home you could pretend to leave the house, park the car a couple of doors down if needed then sneak back in without him realising. When heâs consistently going to bed nicely for dad, start staying home every second or third night and make a big thing about him going to bed for dad, âdaddyâs been telling me how amazing youâve been with going to bed. Show me how amazing you are.â Then in the morning if heâs gone to bed quickly and quietly, make a big deal out of it again. Make the walk with dad part of his bedtime routine to wear him out before he gets into bed. Once he consistently goes to bed easily for dad with you at home, start alternating which child you each settle into bed. Get the younger one used to dad putting him to bed soon, so you donât end up in the same situation when he gets older.
What is your bedtime routine that you have to take turns and you donât have it in you to do it every night? Is Dad doing something different to you or does your child see it as the only time he gets you alone without his little brother? If youâre always the one to settle your youngest he probably doesnât understand why you canât put him to bed to.
In our house we do ours together, dad puts the kids through the bath and teeth, I dress them, we have a little bit of tv time, one of us reads a book while the other gets a bottle sorted, all kids into bed (1.5, 3, 5 and 7), hugs and kisses and tucked in by us both and then lights out
Did you really allow your child to be distraught for two whole hours when you knew you could solve the problem immediately by putting him to bed yourself?
I donât know, maybe itâs because Iâm a single mum, but the way I tend to do things is to minimise problems for the child and the household. You said when you do it, itâs fuss free, so Iâd just suck it up and do it, it wonât be forever. Oh and
âI shouldnât have toâ, kids dont get a memo on things their parents should and shouldnât have to do. đ
Why should mum have to do it all? The child needs to be able to settle for dad. What happens if mum ends up in hospital? Whatâs dad supposed to do? Drop the child off at the hospital for mum to settle? Yeah, kids donât get the memo, but if both parents have an active role then both parents should be able to settle the kids into bed without too much drama.
Kids show us what they need and right now, this kid needs his mum before bed.
I wouldn't call putting her kids to bed "doing it all", maybe dad can stack the dishwasher, get babies bottle ready, do other things whilst she does this, they are a team.
I'm a single mum and really do, "do it all", but I cant live my life worrying if I end up in hospital. I'll deal with that if it happens.
I agree 100%. Heaven forbid anything happens to Mum.
If he goes down for you with no fuss then why is it so hard for you to do it, instead of making it a distressing time for all involved? Honestly, pick your battles. If you donât have it in you to do bedtime anymore? Shouldnât have had the second kid.
Oh gosh, this sounds exhausting.
What about sitting down with your Husband and figure out a routine that he can have with your boy?
Maybe he could take him for a walk before bed as part of their routine? On nights where there is bad weather, chose a board or card game to play for half an hour.
Then sit down with your son and make him feel super important by giving him the responsibility of going for a walk with Dad on the proviso that he goes to bed without fuss. If he fusses, he misses out the next night. He is old enough to reason with. But make him feel included in this decision, as maybe he feels a sense of control taken from him (probably moreso attention than control) but that is normal when a new sibling comes along, so don't feel guilty.