I’m in a situation that is really hurting my heart and I don’t know how to support my friend OR how to tackle the situation. Sorry this is so long, I wanted to provide some background. It sounds so petty in the scheme of what’s happening in the world right now but it’s causing hurt and I want to help/minimise the pain.
My friend and I - our kids go to school together. My child is a social butterfly who will literally walk up to a park full of kids they’ve never met and suddenly be one of the gang. My friends child is more quiet, but also socially awkward. This child hasn’t found their stride in making friends and will often do things to keep others attention by any means necessary. For example, the child will push other kids as a game. Not to be mean, but in an effort to create a playful situation. I’ve mentioned to the child that I understand they are playing, but other kids might not see their game that way. I’m not sure it sunk in. My heart breaks for this kid because they are sweet and severely misunderstood.
It’s reaching the point that my friends child isn’t being invited to birthday parties. I’ve had lengthy discussions with my own child about being fair, but also that sometimes parties aren’t going to include them (my child) and that’s OK. Sometimes there’s reasons that we will never know and we just need to find peace and acceptance in it. So far, my child has been great about it and just says when it’s their turn for a birthday party, they’ll try not to leave anyone out.
Recently, my friends child was not invited to a party (and neither was mine, no drama) of another child that was considered their best friend. According to my friends child, they play together every day and the party child’s name is the one the parents hear the most after school. My friend is understandably upset for her child and so am I. I grew up as the kid that slipped through the cracks and was forgotten so I understand how it feels.
It’s also apparent that my child is being invited to more parties than my friends child and that hurts me too. Every time an invitation comes home, I’m too scared to ask my friend if their child was invited because I’m pretty sure I know the answer. How do I approach this?? I’ve even contemplated RSVPing with a “can’t attend” in solidarity with my friend/their child but I know this won’t be helpful for my own child.
My friend is blaming herself - that she doesn’t make enough effort with the other Mums (the other Mums are in their own group, and besides a friendly “Hi!” I make just as little effort) or that she isn’t involved in the school enough (also neither am I as I work). How can I support her? How can I help make this situation better for her and her child?
Thanks for making it this far. I really appreciate any friendly advice.
6 Replies
How old are they? I find young kids really inclusive and it really could be a friendship among the mums thing.
You say you tell her not to get attention the wrong way - we do social skills lessons, where you model and teach how to interact the right way. Regardless of party invited it sounds like this child needs this and I’d suggest to mum to find it through a counsellors course or to ask the school to include her in their programs.
I think your friend needs to get there child some help. The child needs help developing appropriate social skills, and people need to stop making excuses for pushing!
You need to stop taking on the emotional burden of your friends child, and it’s not ok for your child to miss out on parties and relationships because of your friends child.
Of course the other kids don’t want to play, and invite them, and of course parents are excluding them, because they don’t want to encourage unhealthy friendships.
It’s not about Mums hanging out with other Mums. It’s about teaching her child how to engage with other children in a healthy manner, even if that means help from a child psychologist.
💯💯💯💯💯
This right here is the advice. I could not have said it better myself!
Your friend needs to take her child to a child psychologist, it’s not something you can help with. As nice as it is if you, there may be underlying issues why he is like this. He needs professional help and the Dr can give her free visits with a care plan. This boy may not know how to communicate and this is his way of making friends. He may have anxiety or other issues. Best she seeks help for the poor boy so they can both understand and grow from it.
This isn’t your fault. No one invites everyone to birthday parties all the time, you need to stop worrying about your friend & their child. It really isn’t in your control & it is what is it. All you have control over is ensuring you are inclusive of them. It’s up to your friend really.
I understand both sides. I have kids who are left out and it hurts. I also have lost friends because I wouldn’t force my kid to invite their kid (their kid hurt my kid). It’s complicated. I don’t think your child should be responsible for your friend’s child at the risk of her own social life unless your child wants to.