My mum, sister and grandmother all live together and frequently leave me out of things. I am living 40 mins away, work and am raising children. I am the last to know about family news (from the extended family) and when I find out things and get upset that nobody told me, they say, oh I thought I told you or, I thought somebody else had told you.
If I get upset about not being told, they brush me off, make out it's no big deal or that I'm too emotional, or must've forgot. It feels like gaslighting.
When speaking to other family members from a different side of the family, I've found out that they even knew about these things even though they're not even related.
This has happened repeatedly and I'm finding it very hard to deal with. Am I being unreasonable? I'm interested in hearing how other people would deal with this situation.
Feeling left out
Feeling left out
Posted in:
Life Lessons, Mental Health, Self Care, Behaviour
6 Replies
I am the black sheep of my family and it used to bother me, now I'm older I see they were ashamed of me because I was a young Mum. Now I have as little to do with them as possible and now that my Mum needs help because of an illness and my sister has young kids they are looking to me like I need to help them and that I never see them. There's a reason for that, reap what you sow. They made me self reliant in every way then complain when I keep living my life the way I have always had to because now they are the ones that need help. Learn to live without worrying about what they do with their lives.
Same in my family, I have distanced myself now so I stop getting so hurt.
Same here. One day you just get tired of trying and tired of the hurt.
TBH, as you're all grown ups it's not really their responsibility to tell you. Sure it would be nice, but not their job to fill you in.
Decide on where your battle lines lay, if you want to know about particular extended family join them on socials or get in the habit of shooting them a text once a week or fortnight. Get the news from the source, and feel more connected.
Once they don't have that power over you it no longer seems so difficult.
If you don't really live close and they all do live together of course they're going to hang out more...I wouldn't take it personally. Even if they invited you out all of the time would you go? No, you'd be too far to go all of the time. It's over an hour round trip and with fuel prices going up of course you're not going to do that. If you want to find out stuff, text then and ask what's going on. They probably did really think someone else told you.
Similar although mine was three sisters and my mum who didn't even live together. They used to travel to meet up for shopping trips, lunches etc. and just not invite me. I was incredibly hurt for a long time. I became closer to a sister in law who would say it's like they forget you exist. One day I realised that I had never had a close relationship with them and I was trying hard to create something that had never existed. I stopped calling as regularly, stopped trying and then my mother got up me for not ringing them all. The onus was always on me to reach out and keep in touch. I reminded her they all knew my number. There was never any hostility or reason for it all. Sometimes I wonder if it's because I was the youngest girl and there was an age gap so was excluded from an early age and that just continued on. I found stepping back and gathering friends around me helped lessen that hurt. I just started to accept that I would never share that same relationship. Acceptance and distancing myself helped alot.