Hi fellow parents. I need help ðŸ˜
Slight backstory..
My child is a pre teen, he was diagnosed with ADHD, ODD and ASD about 5 years ago. His father and I separated 3 years ago. Both his father and I now have new partners.
Mr 10yo has become almost out of control lately. He is on medication, I'm trying to get him to see a child psychologist but where we live, there are either no availabilities at all or a huge wait list, not taking more. I am at my wits end. He is physical with my partner, myself and his sibling, he is rude and disrespectful and destructive. If things aren't to his liking, he'll do his best to make everyone feel miserable. Then there's this other side of him who is kind and caring, loves animals, loves small children and helping help, reading books, having cuddles etc.
I don't even know what I'm saying at this point but my partner has told me that I've let him get away with things for too long now because I don't smack him or my punishments aren't severe enough. As it is, he's currently banned from tech for 2 months. I don't believe in smacking, I don't believe at screaming at a child either. I believe we should model the behavior in which we'd like our children to grow up and display but by doing so, my partner says I'm letting 10yo walk all over us and that he is going to grow up and he a horrible person ðŸ˜
I don't want to use his diagnosis as an excuse at all but also feel that a lot of his emotional outbursts are out of his control and by screaming and throwing multiple punishments at him in one go, it just heightens his frustrations. I guess I just need some perspective, am I letting him walk all over us? Is he going to grow up and he awful? He is a beautiful, intelligent kind boy but when that switch happens, it's heartbreaking. I don't want to let my child down and I don't want a rift to form in my relationship. Help 💔
5 Replies
Your partner has known your child less than 3 years, you are dealing with multiple diagnosis and a child who has been through a huge amount of upheaval in 3 years.
No, I wouldn’t start smacking. If he doesn’t like the way you parent he needs to leave. Smacking a pre-teen with multiple disorders won’t change a thing, and what are you gong to do when he’s physically too big to smack? The chances of you smacking him hard enough to have any perceived shock value is slim to none and there is no way that step-dad should be smacking.
Your son needs consistency and advice from a professional, I can guarantee, no professional is going to think smacking is the correct approach.
Smacking is physical assault in every sense of the word. Adults get charged for physical assault, it is a criminal offence. Childhood is learning how to be a decent person so you don't do things like physically assault others when you're an adult. It defies all logic to physically assault a child to teach them a lesson, the lesson they learn is to physically assault someone when they perceive someone's actions as naughty. I've met far too many adults in this exact predicament who genuinely don't understand how it is wrong and think the victim deserved it.
I don't think this is a son problem, but a family problem. Your family, dads family, and son in family counselling all together would be my first step.
Psychologist is definitely beneficial but I would also try and get into a behavioural therapist if you haven’t already. Good luck x
My son has adhd along with emotional disregulation. What you describe, to me, ticks all the boxes for emotional disregulation. He would benefit tremendously from a child psycologyst who can help him recognise his emotions and what triggers him. This also helps the whole family start to recognise when he is starting to tick, so we can help de escalate any situation that would otherwise end up being a huge fight.