Hey I.m's
I was diagnosed adhd as a kid but I have been unmedicated for 15+ years now(looking to go back on meds as soon as I can get into a dr because my brain and emotions are extremely chaotic and I feel its damaging me and those around me immenseley)
I suspect I also have autism and am pursuing a diagnosis, my husband is autistic and we are constantly fighting, there is constant misunderstandings and deeply hurt feelings on both sides and I feel like we are falling apart after 11 years together wr have endured more traumatic events and continual daily stressors(we have lots of kids many with their own disabilities, behavioural needs and physical challenges and high needs)than I have ever known any one family to experience.
we don't know how to communicate effectively even though both of us are really trying the best we can within our own capacities. I talk myself round in circles until I understand because processing, emotional regulation, and understanding are my defecits.
He shuts down and gets angry because I trigger him and vice versa the cycle continues. And both having these disabling conditions makes it even harder.
I don't know what to do or where to go from here he feels like I want him to change and be more emotionally available(i said this in an arguement and he thought i meant showing me all his emotions all the time, which he has done and now thats caused damage to him because i was unable to support or accept those efforts,when i actually meant i want him to be more emotionally available to my needs but it was not understood and ive only just figured that out today) and I feel like he wants me to change and understand all his needs and I feel the same in reverse and neither of us have been successful, leaving the other person feeling unheard un loved and broken.
I feel exhausted all the time trying to meet his needs and he feels exhausted trying to meet my needs and we very rarely seem to "get it right" where both of us are left feeling heard understood connected and loved. So we are arguing alot and then our child hood trauma triggers rear their heads and we both fall apart. Which starts the cycle all over again ðŸ˜
I don't know what to do next or how to fix this it just feels like an impossible amount of work that neither of us knows how to do, where to start or how to stay the course without burning ourselves out💔
we love each other immensely without a doubt, there is no cheating, or dv but we are both so broken and personally I don't know how to move forward without one of us left feeling like the others needs are more important.
Any advice or help would be much appreciated. NO we don't want to seperate but due to covid currently we are living separately on the same block which is really hard for us.
Thankyou.
Yes we've tried counselling/psychology(individually and together) it didn't really help us with this problem because our internal damage and dialogues are so immense and honestly we can't afford any money on more therapy when our vital expenses are more than our incoming(living on pensions with high medical costs for our children that can't be reduced) and the couples therapy we did was so full of gaslighting it traumatised us both.
Taking "time for ourselves" is near on impossible with the life that we have and honestly I feel taking a few hours to ourselves ends up making things worse because we don't actually get a solid amount of time to de-escalate ourselves and the time required to "feel better" would be an unachievable amount of time with our children's needs.(would need days or weeks and we simply can't afford it financially or have anyone to care for the kids)
We live semi rural so there is barely any local supports or services available either.
Open to online courses or supports but it just feels so impossible and that's so devastating.
We love each other so much and are fiercely loyal but I just don't know how to fix things??
I feel like we are very close to the end of the line and I just want us to be happy and so does he.
Sorry for the ramblings.
1 Replies
I’m autistic, and I’m full time career to my disabled son.
What you are going through together is tough. It sounds like neither of you are capable right now of meeting the others needs, and are triggering each other and misunderstanding each other.
A couple of things I can suggest. Have you tried changing communication methods? I best express myself in text. I’m a crappy verbal communicator. I struggle to express myself verbally and need time to sit and compose my thoughts, and write them out. I deal best with difficult conversations if the other person writes down the issues and gives me a chance to read, respond, ask for more detail. It also gives me a chance to respond in a calmer manner when I’m not in full frustration.
It’s taken me a long time to understand this about myself and I have to be fairly disciplined in communicating this way. This often means I can’t deal with a situation as it happens, frustrating, but less frustrating than constantly escalating situations.
Is this something you both could try?
If you can’t find away to communicate effectively, this situation won’t get better and you’ll continue to find it harder to manage your childrens challenges. I’m a much better mother and carer when I have an inner calm myself.
Love sometimes isn’t enough, and you may find you at least have to separate for a period of time just to calm things down for yourselves.