So I know it's a tad early to be thinking about but my daughter is now 4 and has never met or even spoke to her biological dad as he wanted nothing to do with my pregnancy or the parenting part and from the age of two she's known my partner as daddy.
when is an appropriate age to tell her about her biological dad I was thinking 7 but now that feels too early.
Parents
Parents
Posted in:
Relationships & Marriage, Parenthood Guilt, Baby & Toddler, Kids
10 Replies
The earlier the better. I know you might not think this but it’s better that she grows up knowing from the start. It’s harder to take in when she’s older. If she grows knowing it, she won’t know any different. Do it before school. Try not to make a fuss about it and go with it naturally as possible.
This! I was told I was adopted when I was 6 and it was normal to me growing up. I know people that have been told these sorts of things when they are older and already have their views set and it can really makes things much harder in the long run.
I have a friend and two relatives who grew up believing their step dad was their bio dad.
One of them found out when she was about ten, the other two found out during their teen years.
I won't go into details being that they're not my stories to share but I will say each of those people took it hard and the secrecy did some irreparable damage to certain relationships.
On the other hand, my sister in law has just always known that her dad wasn't biologically related to her. It was never a secret and it was just her normal. In fact I'd say it strengthened her relationship with her dad because she knew he chose to love her and raise her as his own. She never bothered with her sperm donor.
If you're not sure how to tackle this, consider getting some advice and taking your daughter to a few sessions with a child psychologist. They'll be able to help you guide the conversation and help her process it.
Yes, absolutely talk to a professional, please don't rely on anecdotal examples from strangers online, for all you know, they could be made up.
This issue is too important to get wrong.
You start from straight away. You have to say it the right way though. Like don’t call her bio dad a dead beat or tell her he doesn’t love her. I’d write myself a script. So you have the story planned out in ab age appropriate way.
There are probably some stories online you can use.
The later she finds out the harder it will be for her, and it will make her question everything! So start while she is really young and you can make sure you put that positive spin on it.
4 is a great age, she won’t have too many questions and she’ll accept it easier.
She’ll have questions as she grows up but at least she won’t have the added stress of feeling lied too!
7 is definitely too old. I can’t imagine telling my 7year old her dad isn’t her bio father, it would be so confusing for her and devastate her because they can’t comprehend it yet.
A 4 yr old can accept and grow with the knowledge alit easier and accept it.
Please tell your daughter now in a kid friendly way and then just keep explaining it as she asks
I've known my entire life that my 'dad' wanted nothing to do with me. My mum met my 'step' dad when I was 7. He is my dad. I call him dad.
Never met the other one and dont have a desire to.
The earlier the better I think.
I told my son at 5.. he is now 25 and only thinks of the man who raised him as dad!
I have never been in this position, but i think the earlier the better so it's her normal with out the trauma of being lied too. maybe your partner needs to be thr bonus dad? or something similar. Maybe you need to let her know her other daddy wasn't ready to be a dad so she got lucky to have bonus daddy? and as she gets older be more real about it
My son has never met bio dad either and is 13. He knows my partner as his dad. I always spoke openly around him about it from day 1 never bad mouthing etc. At about 7 we had the chat, 1 dad that looks after him and has raised him and the other that made him. Don’t make a big deal of it but make sure they know you’re there if there is any questions.