How do i support someone or something if I don't agree with it? When I have supported unconditionally, arguments have ensued because when questioned or asked for my opinion, it comes as a shock and leads to feelings of betrayal. I have tried giving my support along with my thoughts from the beginning and it also seems to lead to arguments and feelings of betrayal. I have tried explaining that my thought or opinion is irrelevant in some situations, but that also leads to an argument and feelings of betrayal. So much so, we're both feeling like all we do is disagree and argue.
I don't seem to have this problem with others. I have tried changing tone, body language, the way I respond, not responding at all, remained calm and empathetic, I'm not sure what else to do.
A simple example- they dislike someone and vent to me, I listen and validate feelings, when I'm kind or friendly to the disliked person or don't say something to the disliked person in regards to the grievance, they feel betrayed and an argument ensues about why I didn't say something when they were venting.
How do i support someone or something I don't agree with?
How do i support someone or something I don't agree with?
Posted in:
Relationships & Marriage, Behaviour
12 Replies
Probably some more examples would help. But the person sounds pretty toxic reading between the lines. Are the grievances reasonable grievances? Why are you expected to fight there battles? Is it a lot of drama stirring for no reason?
Sometimes people are so out of line that you have to be honest with them. Good relationships should mean you can call people out or state an opinion (in a kind way). If you are having a difference of opinion on situations a lot it probably means your aren’t compatible.
I can't think of any examples that arnt identifying or complex. I think some grievances are reasonable, some arnt. Im not sure if it's expectation of fighting their battles? I often feel like it's a little over the top and dramatic, almost like they want an argument, but who wants an argument?
I agree, good relationships have healthy communication which makes this even more perplexing because I don't seem to have any problems with others so I'm not sure how to adapt to this situation
Who wants an argument? Hun, you would be surprised!
A lot of people thrive off drama and conflict, so much so that they attract it and even create it. It's quite toxic!
I suspect your friend might be one of those people, honestly the only way to manage people like this is to take a step back and not get so involved.
I think this really depends on who and what. My ex did something to me a few years ago that put me under so much stress, it put me in a really dark place. My husband was my light during that time, he was the only thing that kept me standing. When my husband saw my ex during that time he was friendly to him. It felt like he didn't have my back at all and that all I was going through I was just alone and he didn't understand. I didn't want a punch up I just didn't want friendly. My husband would say that's between you and him but it wasn't, it was between him and whoever else he pulled into it so it would have been nice to have someone that was 100% on my side. If it's someone close to you and you are all they have then yes 100%, you should have their back which means don't be nice to the person making their life hell. It is a bit two faced to be honest.
If you don’t agree, tell them at the time, dont just agree with them and then act the opposite. This will cause conflict. Grow a backbone.
I think you misunderstood
I think you should just end the friendship to be honest, it seems to be causing you a great deal of distress.
It depends really.
I had an issue with someone, confided in a friend who knew this person but they weren't close or even really friends. Next thing I knew that friend and the person I had an issue with suddenly became besties.
I lost a lot of trust in that friend at that point and yeah it did feel like a betrayal of sorts.
On the other hand, I have also had a couple of friends vent to me about a certain person, all seriously valid grievances (this woman is a piece of work) but I have to see this woman at my children's school, at their extra curricular activities and we work/cross paths in the same industry so I'm not going to be rude to her out of loyalty to my friends - that's juvenile.
A way to get around this is saying something like this and I have said this when I've had two friends in the midst of conflict:
"I'm really sorry that you're having problems with Julia, that sounds tough. I'm not sure I feel comfortable talking about her though because I am friends with both of you and it puts me in an awkward position but maybe I could help you both sort this out?"
Sounds like your friend might be the sort who expects her friends to blindly adopt any beef she has with people though, that's very immature and not something I could tolerate or support.
Maybe you’re too intertwined if you are around the same people that they’re whinging about and having issues with? I can easily call anyone my friends hate a fucking bitch lol if I can’t I say upfront well I can see her doing that but also she did this nice thing for me etc or straight out, sorry I know you hate her but I quite like her.
Repeat after me.
"I'm not your personal mediator, sort your own shit out".
I was in your corner until you gave the example. Then I understood why the other party felt betrayed. They confided in you about another person, and then you went and discussed it with that person. That is a betrayal isn’t it? I would be pretty upset if my partner or close friend did that. 🤷🏻♀️