Has anyone experienced the following.. I am not perfect, I was unfaithful in my marriage as I felt no emotional connection to my husband and found love with another man while working out how to end my marriage. I have two sons who are 10 and 12, both have since me leaving been subjected to his emotional abuse. They are both very distant and hardly communicate with me. My ex husband has done some awful things since I left. I came clean to him about my infidelity as I had established where I stood with a solicitor, I felt supported emotionally as I sought counselling as well. My boys wont come to my house because my partner is in their eyes the reason I left them. I felt compelled to leave them with their father as I was afraid of what he would do following me revealing I had an affair.
It's a complex situation so I hope someone out there can help me in any way.
Peace and Love xx
18 Replies
We see this post so often about fathers cheating and then losing the relationship with their children, and you could read the advice on any of those - you have to put the relationship with your boys over your new man. You didn’t need to jump ship (I know you felt like you did) but you also are out now and don’t need to stay living with him. You can be independent, a mother, and build your life that way. You could even slowly introduce the other bloke eventually, you don’t have to lose him, you just have to prioritise yourself as an individual and as a mother. As we see all the time, if you don’t do that first, and set yourself up with your fella, getting the kids to overcome that hurdle after living through seeing you do that is often irreconcilable.
You chose a relationship over them. I don't think you can blame your ex for them having their own opinions. Perhaps they will be open to family counseling with you?
You need to understand how your kids feel. You left them too. You also left them with their Dad who is bitter, upset and angry so they've seen how this has affected him. They see you happy and with the man that they think caused all this. They're angry you left them all, they're angry you have changed their Dad. This is from a child's point of view. No, it's not OK for parents to involve their kids in their break ups but I'm not sure you gave them a choice. They didn't get a clean break up then mum and dad introduce partners later, they got one day together, the next one parent is off with someone else and the other is acting on emotions. You have to take some responsibility here for it to move forward, you have to acknowledge why they are hurt and not blame it all on their Dad. Remind them they are loved.
They'll come round eventually. Just involve yourself in their lives every day in some small way and be consistent . Always make it about them. Don't talk about yourself or their dad, unless they ask. Even if they're adults .
You shouldn’t have moved in with this man. Your kids come first. You move them out with yourself and worry about your partner later once your kids mental health and well being is looked after firstly and foremost. You put your needs ahead of your kids. They needed their mum. They didn’t need a step dad. Sorry it’s probably hard to hear but you chose this life. There is other ways to do it, always putting your kids first. Nothing and no one is more important that your kids.
Me, me ,me.
Wow, those poor kids.
You abandoned them and proceeded to live with another man during all of this.
Plus you blame your ex for your lack of relationship with them and take absolutely no accountability.
Are you kidding me?
You reap what you sow.
Geez I’m glad you felt emotionally supported, who supported your kids?
Boys won’t come to my house because of my partner (who you left their dad for), pretty simple, who do you pick, him or them? Who needs you more right now?
Emotional abuse= devastated, shocked, a bit volatile, upset/hurt, trying to parent completely alone because ex has shacked up with a stranger, which is not in the best interests of devastated kids to be involved in as their family unit has just disintegrated?
It’s easy to be cool, calm and collected when your heart isn’t breaking whilst trying to parent 2 shocked/broken kids.
Happy days for you, shacked up with the new love, whilst everyone else is hurting.
From experience, they will never love or trust you the same again.
When they’re adults, they will see you in an even worse light and if you keep making excuses and refuse to be accountable, they will cut you off.
You should have taken them with you, kept the new man a secret from them for a long time.
You will regret this.
It most probably won’t last with the new guy, because when the new shiny love wears off, he will find it hard to trust you. He will realise that what he’s been left with is a cheater and everyone knows, how you get them is how you lose them.
Worried what my partner will do, so I’ll save my skin and leave the kids to deal with it.
I agree with all of this except for taking them with her. She blew up their lives. She doesn't get to make their decisions for them as a result.
You’re right, except if he’s really abusive.
However, what I’ve noticed is, when people have an affair, all of a sudden their partner is abusive, has all these faults etc. that they didn’t have before.
She’s either a truly evil woman leaving her kids with an abusive man in a volatile situation or she’s a liar.
She literally dropped the bomb and left her kids to deal with the explosion.
Hrmm it's interesting that when a man does this to a women, a women has to suck it all up and do what's right and be strong for her kids, but when it's reversed yall saying it's okay that the man is emotionally abusing the children because he's finding it oh so hard (poor whittle diddums 🙄). The uneducated ignorant sexism here is seriously toxic
I would say exactly the same to a woman, are you freaking kidding me?
I went through a divorce without infidelity, he rode off on his horse, without kids, recovered by going out getting drunk, doing as he pleased whilst I was there to pick up the pieces.
I would absolutely never say to a woman suck it up, it was the absolute worst time of my life. You obviously haven’t been through it.
Noones saying it’s ok - they’re saying maybe he isn’t and he is just a stressed parent going through a terrible divorce. I saw everyone saying if he is to NoT leave the children with him.
If she wrote in saying she is so SORRY she left her kids with an abusive man, that the new guy is moving out ASAP and her main priority is being there for her kids, my response would be completely different.
But all we get is excuses, absolutely no accountability, just justifications for her actions, except if you count I’m not perfect pffff
I don’t understand the mentality of being afraid what your partner will do and not taking your kids to protect them.
My mum did this. When she left for a life with another man, she left us behind with our angry dad. I still wish I knew why the hell she'd leave us behind. I assume the answer is as simple as it was easier for her than to have us tag along. I also believe she was just selfish at the time, putting her wants and the new bloke before us.
Shes also never acknowledged that or apologised and basically blames our dad for our our feelings. We were old enough to develop our own opinions.
Maybe start with acknowledging what you did wrong and how you let your kids down. You should of taken them with you. It might of been easier for you not to, but it sure as hell wasn't easier for them and thats what you need to start apologising for.
It’s not that complex. You didn’t love your husband, you had one foot out the door and shacked up with another bloke. You left your kids in the vipers pit with an emotionally abusive father.
They will always blame your partner- because it’s far too painful for them to blame you 😢
Work out where your priorities lie and move from there 😢
Is he really abusive!? Or is that what you’re going with because your children now won’t speak to you?
I wouldn’t speak to your either if you abandoned me and left us with “an abusive father” and shacked up with someone else. I WOULD NEVER FORGIVE YOU. you’re kids needed you most and you left their world shattered because “you didn’t love their father” and all they have now is their father who is grieving. He’s allowed to be angry, and your children probably see it. It’s not emotional abuse, I’m sorry. Leave your family be to heal. You cannot force a relationship with your kids who are old enough to understand that their mum left them for someone else.
You need to stop
Worrying about yourself and go back and get ur sons from ur abusive ex partner U CHOSE to be their father! I can’t understand parents who leave the horrid partner, but leave their kids there!!!
I would respect your sons wishes and take it slow with the new partner. Introduce it slowly. I would have. The partner move out and if that isn’t possible I would book a hotel with a pool once a month or so to have some fun with them. It’s going to take work, from everyone.
Just keep reinforcing that you love them but the love between you and their Dad faded a long time ago and while you made a mistake it wasn’t your partners fault you left.
I would also seek a psychologist to help get on track personally and for your family. You make a lot of excuses and haven’t accepted that you were the one that cheated and as a result your marriage ended. Sounds like there is a lot of hurt from everyone. I would consider spending some time on your own and reevaluating what your priorities are and work on making yourself happy for a while.
I think your ex is hurt. Have you ever sat down and acknowledged what you did with him and taken responsibility? Or has it been his fault because you were unhappy? I would try and sit with him, explain how sorry you are that you hurt him and you went about leaving completely wrong. If he cheated on you can you imagine how betrayed you would feel?