Please be kind.
I have been with my husband for many years. My eldest daughter (10) has a different father. Over the years we have had issues with aggression from him, he has spent a lot of time working on himself and it is very rare we see it now. I have children with him too. The 10 yr old has ADHD and I believe PTSD, whenever anyone yells or is aggressive she can't handle it. Today there was an incident at afterschool care with 10 yr old and another child, she was calming down in her space, when little sister (5) approached her, normal sisterly fighting but ended with 10 yr old hitting 5yr old in the face. Get home 5yr old tells husband and he confronts 10yr old. He didn't give her a chance to explain took ipad off her for 2 weeks and cancelled karate for 2 weeks. He also told her that she was not a nice person and that's why she always gets bullied. I Spoke with both girls got full stories, ipad returned but still no karate. A couple of weeks beforehand I saw him throw a piece of Lego directly at 5yr old upset with her for something (unsure what). I think I have PTSD from all the issues we have had in the past as well. Also we moved house and are now 20 minutes away from school. 10 yr old finds it difficult to get out of bed and lately we have been late for school. He threatened to pull 5yr old out and separate them and put her in school close by so he could take her and she wouldnt be late to school. Is this serious? Have I been manipulated and gaslighted for years. Would anyone else put up with this behaviour?
7 Replies
I'm confused as to why only taking 5 year old out of the school? Wouldn't it make sense to take them both out and send them to a closer school?
The lack of details makes it hard to understand. What does aggression look like from your husband? Apart from the throwing lego, he just sounds like hes disciplining your 10 year old for hitting her 5 year old sister...
I love the school the girls go to, this is the first school where 10 yr old actually has friends and is being invited to birthday parties, before diagnosis she had social issues and was bullied. She has stability there and is not good with change. 5yr old has friends there too. 10yr old already feels like an outcast due to having a different dad, I want them to have a good sisterly connection by attending the same school.
Aggression has been in the form of verbal, name calling, smacking, she witnessed him lose it when he was drunk smashing the dashboard of car. He can have a mean streak
Ok yeah he sounds like a shitty person.
I agree - he sounds like he can be a shitty person but….. you keep excusing your older child’s behaviour. To be honest - she is in the wrong in these examples and so are you. She SHOULD be punished for hitting her sibling. She NEEDS to get out of bed so she doesn’t make the sibling late. It’s not fair on sibling to be late because of her OLDER sister. Is she going to bed too late? Does she need some melatonin to help her fall to sleep?
I agree - he sounds like he can be a shitty person but….. you keep excusing your older child’s behaviour. To be honest - she is in the wrong in these examples and so are you. She SHOULD be punished for hitting her sibling. She NEEDS to get out of bed so she doesn’t make the sibling late. It’s not fair on sibling to be late because of her OLDER sister. Is she going to bed too late? Does she need some melatonin to help her fall to sleep?
To be honest if My 10 yo (similar issues as yours) hot her 5yo sibling I’d be punishing them too. Except I would have given back the karate and NOT the iPad!!! Your husband should t have said mean words but dear lord. Smacking a kid in the face - in public - is pretty bad. She’s 10 - not 6! She should be able to control herself better than that. The Lego throwing is immature. It shouldn’t have happened. The school thing - it’s 20 minutes. She shouldn’t be late to school if it’s 20 minutes away. I’d be annoyed too if I was your husband or 5yo. You should be giving your 10yo consequences for not getting out of bed and making everyone late. That would drive me mad. I have 4 kids so maybe it’s a bit more hectic here but it’s still pretty slack if she can’t get to school on time. I think you’re making excuses for your 10yo. Be careful there. Your 5 yo will start to notice - just like her dad seems to - and they will both resent you and the sibling for it.
I think you need some family counselling. as for the school runs, yes the children need to be at school on time, he may not be able to make that decision for your eldest child but he can help make it for the younger ones where clearly he is upset the kids are running late to school which in turn they are missing learning time, this could also be affecting your older child's bullying issues. As for the slapping incident yes miss 10 deserves to be punished for it I also have a adhd child, it's not an excuse for her to hit her younger siblings.