Please help me...
I have 3 boys 9, 4 & 1. We are lucky to live next door to my parents and they see my children all of the time and they are able to visit anytime, it's like an open door policy.
Mr 4 has always hated when the environment changes & likes to know how many sleeps until this or will there be daycare tomorrow (goes 4 days a week). So he likes routine and I have always given him lots of pre-warning if there is something coming up. He can also be quite obsessive for example he will ask me a question and I will answer him, but he will keep asking over and over again even though ive answered him so many times until I distract him. He will also whine repetitively, on and on and on if he doesn't get his own way, until it gets to the point that he gets in trouble.
The issue is that he is 80% of the time rude, mainly to my Mum. She will come in the door and say hello to Mr 4 and he will make a grunt noise and turn away. Or another example, she will be outside when I'm getting them in the car where Mr 4 is happily chatting to me and then when she comes over and says hello, he'll say go away nana and refuses to talk to her.
It breaks my heart and I don't know what to do.
My mum is very old school and said that if that was me I'd be getting a hiding so I wouldn't do it again but I don't want to punish my child by hitting him.
She also is now saying how aggressive he is (he is quite mishchevious and will keep doing something when told not to pushing the boundaries/running away etc.) and that I now should get him tested for behaviour issues and that by me letting him get away with the behaviour, his little brother will also start to copy and behave like this.
I've spoken to his daycare teachers, and they have zero issues with his behaviour. I pushed for more info telling them what he can be like at home but they said if there were any issues, they would be speaking to me about it and he is actually a well rounded, good behaved boy. And sometimes I get compliments on his behaviour.
Sometimes when he is in a happy mood he will be fine, and chat away nicely and happily. But internally I am thinking oh no when will he start being rude. It's very Jekyll and Hyde.
When we get visitors that aren't grandparents, it's just the usual being shy kid, not rude.
I've tried telling my parents to ignore him, but what if he doesn't grow out of it?
Thankyou for reading this novel, hoping for some tips or even that this is normal for a middle child type examples!
7 Replies
Hmm hate to be the one to say it but it sounds like your Mum has done something to him that has scared him. Smacked him, yelled at him or just tried to be too authoritarian with him. If he's fine with everyone else except her then the problem is her, not your son. Except for the way he acts around your mum he sounds like a very normal 4 year old.
If it is behavioural, and he’s not showing it at daycare that is possible - you’ll see it come out more at school when the demand is beyond what he can cope with. Daycare is quite flexible and child led, is a lot of the time they won’t see it.
Not saying that’s what it is, but I am saying that you would hate to get to 5 years old and realise you’ve been punishing a baby for something they can’t help, and needed help with.
and in saying that - that is the tact I would take regardless of diagnosis. He may also hear nana saying to belt him, and he may sense that nana is too strict or just not what he needs and hard for him to be around or that she ‘doesn’t like him’.
Try helping him calm down before he gets to Jekyll and Hyde mode. Even if nana is over, say to him ‘say hi nana, I’m about to go in my room and watch Thomas the tank engine! See ya later nana’
Personalities clash all the time. This maybe one of those moments where your son doesn't like his grandmother right.now but grow out of it as he gets older.
I hate to suggest this about your Mum; but: my Nanna was borderline abusive to SOME of her grandkids. She was sneaky about it; she'd hold your arm while walking but dig her nails in so hard they'd bleed. Then make a big show of "oh she must have scraped on a loose nail somewhere, go check the walls please" while she put a bandaid on. She only did this to the feisty ones.
And when the kids were alone with her, the favourites would get all the treats the "naughty" ones were made to sit on the floor watching.
Maybe your Mum is harsher with this kid when you're not watching, because he's needy, rude and just doesn't like her.
If she's telling you that he needs a good hiding, maybe she's dishing it out on your behalf. Even if it's only verbally, or in terms of her attitude towards him.
It's a hard situation. I'd be carefully questioning the 9yo as to what happens at Grandma's house. They're probably old enough to realise.
My ex MIL was like that too, text book narcissistic mother it was horrible, unless you witness it yourself it's very hard to believe.
I think you have 2 issues, sounds like your mum crossed a line at some point and your 4 yo can't express that just yet, but he is yelling at you to listen. He might also just not like her just cause she is family doesn't make us friends. as for obsessive and very routine oriented that can be a number of things. Day care is fun and very flexible. Be open minded with school that could go away or blow up if it's something more serious
Please do not immediately think Autism as people are suggesting. As someone who has conducted these assessments, we can see markers in lots of children but it takes way more than this to meet the criteria. I would suggest that grandparents do something fun together one on one and see if he responds. If they show interest in his interests and ignore the negative behaviour he may come around. There are so many questions to ask. When did it start e.g. birth of youngest? Or when Grandparents paid less attention to him? Or when he heard your mother suggesting smacking him? Is it only when he has or wants your attention? etc. If you wanted to you could seek out a child psychologist to get to the bottom of it. What strikes me as odd is his behaviour is not consistent across environments and people...