I've have 2 loves in my life. I've been pregnant to both of them and only one of my babies made it.
The first one was my first love my high school sweet heart in a way, the father of my child. The second my adult love.
I feel I loved them unconditionally. I gave them everything I could.
But they never loved me back. The couldn't have, they both cheated, one was physically violent the other emotionally. I met the second 7 years later. This isn't love. My first love told me I was unless and no one would ever want me. Love is full of respect and not wanting to hurt the other person. They didn't do this.
Both of them we tired for our babies they weren't a slip up. I was engaged to my first love and talked about marriage with the second. And both times they walked away and I was left alone pregnant. When meeting my second love I expressed to him how important it was for me that if we were were have kids I can't have him leave and he did. He was cheating and he couldn't cope now I was pregnant and his other women finding out. Now I grieve my baby and the loss I've had in so many ways. Trust is gone, respect for men has gone my morals have gone for people. I lost alot that year.
Don't get me wrong I know im stong I know I love my self. I take care of my self physically and mentally
But I long to know what it's like to be loved back. Loved the way I love. I have so much love to give. I give so much to my daughter to my self I would love to give it again to a man but know there is no point any more, not in this life.
Its been a few years now and I started to see someone. Such a nice man. Couldn't fault him in any way but he didn't want to settle he wanted to live a free life with no ties. And that's okay. But I would of liked to known sooner than months down the track. I thought maybe he could of been it. Im lucky to still have him as a friend. I didn't look for this man. He walked through a door when least expecting and we both felt a connection instantly. But it wasn't enough for him. I never look and will continue not to.
I have this sadness in the back of my brain that I've never known what its like to be loved and cherished by a partner.
I feel sad that I will pass on one day and will never know and that's all I've wanted in this life. Besides to be a mum which I'm so lucky to be.
Does any one else feel like this. Has any one else loved so hard and find out they were never loved back.
I know people will say enjoy your own company and all that, don't go looking, which I'm not and I love my company and myself. I have a dog so that's been done. But I just feel sad I'll never know that feeling. And I'm not sure how to fill the void. I've been to counselling and settled within my self but I just can't fill the spot.
To Be Loved
To Be Loved
Posted in:
Relationships & Marriage, Mental Health, Parenthood Guilt
4 Replies
What a sad story 😢 sorry you have had a bad run. I lost my son too so I definitely understand the pain and loss there.
I guess my advice to you is that not all men suck, they definitely aren't like the men in the movies though, but there are men out there who want the same thing as you (my bil is going through the same thing of just wanting someone to love him) so I would actually suggest that instead of 'not looking ' that you activity look, you seem to know what you want so there's no harm in putting that out there, being upfront and honest about what you want.
I dont know much about dating sites but I do know there are ones for people actively looking for a partner rather than a hookup so I would start there (eharmony is one that I know of) but if you're serious then join some groups or clubs irl and get out and meet some people and try putting yourself out there for a while
Let's be very clear first up: your first two partners were abusive. They abused you. The first time, you were probably too young to know any better.
The second time, you looked for all the wrong things from him - because DV victims repeat the same patterns and go for the same type of man, without heavy counselling or introspection.
Maybe what you perceive initially as love, isn't. The controlling and possessive behaviours can be very comforting and attractive to some women who just don't know any better.
The new man - sadly, some people's lives just aren't compatible. I respect him for telling you that (though as you say, he could have done so earlier).
Maybe he just didn't expect you to fall for him so quickly, while he was just looking for a bit of fun.
I second the person who said maybe try an internet dating site. NOT tinder 😂
Have a friend help you write the bio, and make yourself very clear in what you're looking for. I've had multiple friends have success with eHarmony.
And try to pull yourself back from falling for someone & overthinking things in the first couple of months.
It's hard to do, new relationships are fun and exciting and awesome. But that wears off; and what you need is long term stability and compatibility.
Neither of those people were "loves". They were abusive.
I suggest counselling to help you be able to identify red flags in future relationships. The right person will come along some day. Xxx
The first two men were abusive and the third shouldn't have wasted your time like that and should have let you know upfront that you two didn't want the same things.
Most of us have had at least 3 exes or men that we've seen as potential partners in our lives. Sometimes you have to kiss a few frogs to find a prince