Please please please do not come at me about privacy etc
This is all new to me.
My daughter is 10.
She’s changing before my eyes and I’m struggling with watching my child grow up. I thought I had longer.
She has started writing in a diary. She doesn’t try and hide it so I didn’t go searching for it. I was making her bed and it was on her desk.
I read it. Come at me if you want. I don’t know if it’s the right or wrong thing to do. So I’m reaching out for advice.
I feel like she has dropped a bomb on everything and she’s not the girl I thought she was.
Her and her girlfriend kissed on the lips in the bushes at school (she then went on to write mum and dad if your reading this it’s ok cos we’re best friends) she finds my mum (who is such a help to me and spoils her rotten) annoying, she writes about looking “hot” today, and how she doesn’t like my partner living with us because I’m a whole new person (she also wrote she was going to tell me this, but then she hasn’t mentioned it)
I’m not going to tell her I’ve read it. But do I just ignore these things and brush it off as typical pre teen behaviour? Do I slowly and gently address each issue? Do I respect her privacy and not read her diary? (I know that may seem obvious, but do the same rules apply when it’s your children???)
Please be kind :(
This is a place where women from different backgrounds, cultures and beliefs come together to support one another judgement free.
18 Replies
I’ll just say my mum ‘found’ my diary notes and went off about what she read and we have never had a relationship. Don’t be disappointed or sad or negative in any way that she has private thoughts and private moments with her friends. Or that the things she’s chosen to write about ‘aren’t the girl you thought’. I would take it all very lightly, she’s just testing out being grown up.
The only thing that would concern me is the not liking the partner moving in and saying you’re a whole new person. I would definitely want to get to the bottom of that, without her knowing you read her diary and I don’t think you should do it again.
The rest seems pretty tame: the kiss was probably a peck, nanas a bit annoying and hot is the kind of words they use today. Substitute hot for pretty if you like lol.
I would read my daughters. Who cares what others think of it.
The thing is she isn’t even a teen yet. I think this is more that she’s around bad influences at school and going with it.
Sit her down and speak to her openly and get her to get everything off her chest to you, about how she feels. Explain that she is to kiss no one on the lips. She is young and she needs to know those boundaries and that it’s not ok.
Yes keep easing her diary, it’s her outlet and keeps you informed and you can speak to her about it.
She is 10, pull her head back in to bed the kid that she is, not jump ahead to a teen. If she has social media get her off and take her phone if she has one.
To be not bed! 🤦🏼♀️
And that’s how you end up with teenagers who sneak behind your back, and who have no relationship with you once they’re adults, because you’ve taught them they can’t trust you and you don’t respect them as their own person, human beings, not an extension of yourself.
It’s not ok that they are best friends doing this. They are at school. Make the school aware of it and they will keep an eye on it. Kids at my daughter school have been doing this filming it. She is 12 though. Set some tough rules for your daughter but be open with her also.
When I was 11 or so my mum read my diary, most of its contents were similar in nature to your daughters.
My parents were annoying, hated my dad's girlfriend (my dad was also a different person around her), school sucked, I had a bit of a crush on the son of my dad's current girlfriend etc.
Even at the time I knew his age (he was close to 18) and the relationship meant nothing would ever happen as it'd be inappropriate.
Writing about all these type of things was kind of my way of processing my thoughts and emotions. Those pre teen years are brutal!
My mum made a big thing of it and I was punished. I felt embarrassed, ashamed and violated. I literally never wrote again because I learned that day that my private thoughts weren't safe anywhere other than in my head. It lead to me being a secretive teenager who bottled everything up, that lead to feelings of shame and self loathing everytime I thought about things that looking back were very developmentally normal. I always wonder if my teen years would have been easier if that outlet hadn't been taken away.
My mum and I don't really have a relationship at all anymore, the diary incident was the first of many small instances that lead to the breakdown of our relationship. I still don't trust her to this day!
My advice - buy her a new, proper diary with a lock. Tell her you found her notebook whilst cleaning but didn't realise immediately that it might have been private and apologise for having a look. Give her the new diary and encourage her to keep writing and in future you'll respect the sanctity of the new diary.
Then, perhaps give her a gentle probe about what you saw in the old diary, ask her if there's anything in there she'd like to talk about and that she can talk to you about anything without judgement or lectures.
If you want your daughter to be open and honest with you, you need to be open and honest with her too.
Love this - thank you SO much.
This is such a great and insightful stuff. What a great and honest response!!
This sounds very normal for a pre teen. I still have my diary from that age and there's very similar stuff in it. From boys I had a crush on, people who were annoying, issues with friends. I would respect her privacy and not read it again unless her safety is at risk. As for her not liking your partner if she has no real reason not to like him like DV or treating her unfairly then I wouldn't do too much about that except look at how she thinks you've changed. Have you suffered stress or depression to ch. Anger your moods? Are you still making time for her and doing some of the stuff you used to do?
It’s actually the opposite. I’m happier than I have ever been. I was absolutely miserable with her dad and it was an affectionate-less marriage. My partner and I have been together 2.5 years and we are very affectionate (appropriately in front of her) but he works FIFO and I think she may think I’m happier when he’s home and not happy around her. Sometimes it is true because her moods are insannnne 😂 but I do consciously try to act the same consistently
Don't feel bad. Most parents do this or similiar (look through their phone, snoop in their room) just to get an idea where their child/teen is at.
Personally I wouldn't approach her about it as there's nothing particularly bad and it all seems pretty typical.
The most concerning thing is her not liking your partner but could be caused from her missing you so maybe plan tondo something special with just the two of you.
Keep an eye on the diary as sometimes it's the only way to see what's really going on
Stop reading it. Some of it may not even be true! I used to write all sorts of nonsense in my diary. Some of it was true, some of it were very fleeting feelings, some of it were fantasies, basically me experimenting without taking action.
If you want to know what’s going on with your daughter, spend a lot of time with her 1:1. Be calm, and ready to listen. Go on mum an d daughter dates, without your partner and other kids. Let her know without pestering that you are there to listen and she can tell you anything without a dramatic reaction.
Brush it off. Use it to elevate is there some truth in the fact you change around your partner.
Evaluate 🤭
I remember writing how I felt at the time in my diary as a child. My thoughts and feelings would often change but writing helped me to figure it out. I may have hated someone one day and loved them the next. She is still presenting as the same person to you, we have a zillion thoughts in a day, some unhelpful. This is just a snippet of the ones that worry her. Please let her have her privacy unless you are genuinely worried about her safety. Let her figure it out and let her come to you. Do not ruin this outlet for her.
By the sounds of this bit (Mum or Dad if you are reading this...) she wanted you to find it and read it. Maybe it was/is easier for her to tell you in writing.
I would plant mum and daughter only date and have a chat. Ask her if there is anything she would like to tell you. Tell her you are a safe place if she needs to get anything off her chest and there will be no judgement from you.
Or ask her to write it in a letter if that is easier for her.
I don't know if I would fess up about reading the diary
My mum use to constantly read my diary, (no matter how I tried to hide it) she would be so angry about it and it just made me be more sneaky and hide things. Could never go to my mum about anything, as an adult still find it hard! Please do not tell your daughter you read her diary, what a betrayal!! Keep it to yourself. In regards to what she wrote about you and your partner, have you changed? Is their conflict that as her mother you should be addressing? If you can talk to her about it without saying you read the diary, do that!! The other stuff keep quiet about. Your daughter may have left her diary out because she believed no one would read it!!!