Hi there,
I’m finding this so hard to write and it has taken me a bit to get the forage to open up. I don’t have any immediate family to talk to and am so sad and stressed.
My issue is with my youngest daughter who is 22 last year she started seeing a boy (out
Family knew him already through my kids primary school and sims footy)
When she first told me about this I was shattered then as he is 3 years older but has two kids to two different woman and while that isn’t my main issue what was main issue where would that leave my daughter financially if it lasted and that she would t have much.
Move on 6 months and she caught him cheap cheating on her on Valentine’s Day her heart was not broken but crushed as she caught them together.
He said lol the usual stuff that people do when it happens blah blah blah she didn’t want to to se him broke it off but slowly her weaned his way back to her.
Fastward to two weeks ago happened again she swore she wouldn’t go back again but yes y guessed it she was with him last night.
I have voiced my feelings concerns and how heartbroken I am also
He also has msg me to say he wants to speak with me and her dad to try make things right.
I’m trying to make this shirt so haven’t really gone into a lot of detail
What do I do she has lied to many so many times I can’t trust her. I feel like I have lost her as she never comes home and if she does. It’s to shower change of clothes etc.
I hate him and have told her
I’m at my wits end.
I feel this is my fault as I took her dad back when he cheated on me once and I took him back 🥺💔
Help with daughter
Help with daughter
Posted in:
Relationships & Marriage, Mental Health, Parenthood Guilt, Behaviour, Kids
16 Replies
She is well an truly an adult, she is free to make her own mistakes. He isn't a "boy" he is a grown man, just like she is a grown women. You were "shattered" she was dating someone three years older! Sorry but that shouts that you are way overly attached and possibly still treating her as a child. Why she is clearly in a toxic relationship it is up to her to see that and leave when she is ready. Again she is an adult. She is lying to avoid conflict. She never comes home because she is 22 and busy having her own life completely normal for 22yo.
The only things that this shouts is that this mum is desperate to protect her daughter. He is a scumbag! i would be the same. A mother never stops being a mother, no matter what age the kids are. I would be the same if this was one of my girls.
You would upset if your daughter dated some 3 years older? 3 years is not a big deal at all for an adult. Like I said it's clearly a toxic relationship and I can totally understand why mum is upset seeing that but the daughter is an adult and the more mum pushes the more it will push daughter towards the boyfriend. Unfortunately mum needs to step back and let her learn fron her own mistakes.
Age isn’t my issue it has come across that way and should reworded it but I was and am emotional at the time
I feel like your daughter may be putting space between you because you are treating her like a child...he isn't a boy. He is a grown man. Three years older? Thats not a big deal. Two kids to two different women is a red flag but you need to change your approach.
Tell your daughter you respect that she is an adult and can make her own decisions, you just hope she understands her worth and to not let any man treat her any less. Remind her her bedroom is always hers for when she comes home and that you love her. Hopefuly she figures out hes a massive douche bag and moves on.
Age isn’t my issue it has come across that way and should reworded it but I was and am emotional at the time
How sad you need to sit her down and talk to her again, tell her how upset you are because you care about her, show her your emotions and tell her she deserves better. The last thing you want is her getting pregnant to him. He is scum and he is manipulating her. She is protecting him by lying and prob feels no other way out of it. There’s not much else you can do, he will keep doing this and unfortunately she has to learn the hard way. Hope she meets a nice guy who respects her and is a decent person. This man is a grub. He doesn’t love her or respect her. She is way too young to deal with all this. Hope she realises soon. Can you get some of her friends to talk to her?
Her friends have tried to help and talk to her they have even approached him saying if he really lived he would walk away. I’m also Adrian’s she will
Lose her friends as they will get sick of it.
The challenging part of raising children is allowing them to travel their own path.
By the time they're teenagers, you really don't have any control any more. All you can do is offer guidance, support and hope they make good, smart decisions.
Realistically though, they aren't always going to do that and some lessons need to be learned through experience - that's where your daughter is at right now.
You weren't supportive of this relationship from the get go. Even though your concerns turned out to be completely warranted that would've had her offside from the start, she hasn't been honest with you about her relationship with him because you've created this dynamic where she can't come to you without getting judged.
If you keep pushing her, running him down and telling her how much you hate him it's not going to get her to see the light so to speak. All that's going to do is alienate her further.
I know it probably seems to go against every maternal instinct you have but you need to take a step back. She needs to come to the realisation on her own that this guy is bad news, she needs to be ready to leave him. Until both of those things happen, nothing you do or say will make any difference.
Thank you for your words and for not being judgemental in me. I know what your saying is right. I just don’t how to do what your saying
Back away. I'm sure it's incredibly hard to watch your daughter make terrible life choices, but it's her life and her choices to make. She's 22yo, not a child. She is a fully capable adult; you do speak about her as if she's a child (yes, I know she'll always be your baby) but you actually have zero right to any input into this situation.
All you can do is make sure she knows you'll always support her, and you'll always be there for her - and to do that, you have to stop hating on him.
Regardless of your opinion of him, she's been stupid enough to take him back after cheating on her twice - it's still her choice.
The more you trash him, the more you push her away.
She has to walk her own path. It’s hard watching someone you love put themselves in an obvious shitty relationship. But you talking about it won’t stop her. Sitting her down and telling her how it is will make her want to protect the relationship and push her away from you further.
Build up her confidence. Tell her that you love her, make time with her to just have fun. Maintain that link.
She will break up with him when she is ready, and not because you say so.
Thank you for understanding I just want to be able to do that but right I’m struggling to be able to do that
It’s really hard, although it’s not the same, watching my baby sister hitch her wagon to a giant asshole was tough. She did get out and she did see the light. Phew. It was so hard to not beat her down further by telling her how she was wrong to be in the relationship.
We didn’t always get it right.
As someone who had a shitty boyfriend when I was younger.
My mum constantly told me how rubbish he was. But I thought he was the bees knees, and couldn't see what my mum could. So I stayed with him.
It eventually ran its course, after a hard 12 months.
It wasn't until years later, did I see what my mum was saying.
So unfortunately, I don't think there is much you can do. Good luck though.
Ok I was that daughter. The hell I put my mother through BUT she intervened too much so I stopped telling her things. I learned all my mistakes the hard way because I couldn’t trust that my mum wouldn’t be so judgemental. At 26 I met my now husband. An honest and loving man. A man who has treated me like I’ve never known. We’ve been married almost 9 years and now having our first baby. He’s supported me through illness, infertility and all.
I was a wild one. I’ve had my heart broken and was terrified of commitment for years. I lied to parents about my life because I wanted to live my life, my way. You need to let her make her mistakes. Make her own decisions without grilling her about them. Be her safe space without judgement. But definitely talk to her about getting an STD screen and to always use protection. Also some sort of contraceptives. Show her her worth without tearing him down so you don’t push her towards him.
Have the sit down with him. Ask him why he is CHOOSING to hurt her. Watch for manipulation. Be calm and direct.
And remember. Apologies without change are manipulation.