How do i let go of the fact my son 16, doesn't give a shit if he fails school? money, punishment, incentives, nothing motivates him. I have said he can leave school if he gets an apprenticeship, but he doesn't want to do that either. I am so stressed about this, I want him to do his best not get As but literally doing nothing is killing me. His dad and I work hard to keep our home and he doesn't get it or care.
20 Replies
I hated school. I had severe depression and no one noticed or cared. I didn’t want an apprenticeship, i just wanted to be me. I got a job eventually and lived on my own from 17. I own 2 houses at 35 and have a brilliant career that i studied years for.
I hated school, i wanted to be at Tafe or uni.
Your son sounds like me. He sounds like he is struggling with life. Depression isn’t always super obvious, nor is it the same for everyone.
I am comfortable he doesn't have depression. He doesn't really know what he wants to do which is why we are happy for him to be at school but don't see th point if he isn't going to do the work or try. Happy to support another avenue but he hasn't got any ideas. His dad and I have always been driven and worked super hard. His care factor is so sub par . We are also on board with alternate study or work but his answer for everything is "i don't know"
My mother swears black and blue that i do not have depression to this day. I suffer terribly because of it. I was in a psychiatric facility for a year at 16 and she still wont accept it.
he is struggling and because you and husband are driven that you demand he be that too.
It feels like maybe you and husband push him and want him to be more than he feels capable of.
Let him figure things out, he may take the wrong road 10 times, he may get it right straight away. He is almost an adult and it’s a scary time to suddenly have so many choices/options.
He needs love and care, you sound quite cold.
Wow if i didn't care i wouldn't be worried. I would be supportive of any issues and we actually have a great relationship. He finished his assessments and to a good standard at midnight. With my help. I am not cold but don't accept doing nothing. Life will not be kind to him if he isn't active in his decisions. If he does nothing then he is choosing the consequences.
Sorry you oldies where not aware of how you are tracking. My son is an awesome kids with no plan. Sorry that you don't see someone as being a good parent and be frustrated by differences too.
It’s laughable that you fail to see how unsupportive you are being.
The kid is clearly struggling and you’re dismissive of anyone here who has dared to say that your child may have an illness. He needs help and guidance and is overwhelmed at best.
He sounds lost, this was me after high school. I was very depressed, but nobody saw it and I was to immature to know to ask for help.
He may not be depressed, but most people want to do something, so there is either something going. Mental health and addiction would be the top of my list to rule out before labelling him lazy.
He is medicated for ADHD and doesn't love school , when he leans in aces the classes, the minute he isn't interested or he feels it's not relevant he tunes out into IDGAF land. frustrating to watch and really kills me, i don't think he is depressed he's is pretty easy going and happy until school work is due. No drugs or other addiction (maybe his phone a little) so clear there. just wildly stubborn. I just wish he had a plan I could support rather than quitting on himself. I am cool with any work option just want him to work to something other than cooking options by doing nothing
You do know adhd effects all facets of a persons life?
It is one of the hardest things to live with, day to day.
If he were ina wheelchair, would you help him learn to walk or demand it?
You don’t sound like you know much about his diagnosis and have very little compassion for it.
god this is funny, Yep I am well aware of the challenges with ADHD, I was the one who was in his corner and still is for getting help. Just for free school marking doesn't give a shit, and guess what life isn't friendly either. I am trying to teach him to do his best effort so he can make time for what he enjoys. Nothing in life is easy or fun all the time. I want him to have something to work for.... I am compassionate to the challenges and working with them . Signing off from and Neuro diverse hime
Oh you’re one of those, there’s no getting through to you.
Life’s tough, deal with it types urghhh
My bestfriend had a mother like that.
She was date raped once, was sitting on the couch the next day, could clearly see she wasn’t herself (well I noticed when I walked into her home) and the mother starts rambling about how she is lazy, sitting on the couch doing nothing.
How hard she works to provide a nice home for her daughter (kids don’t ask to be born, it’s our job to provide this).
She was completely oblivious to her child’s mood/distress.
Had no idea her child was suffering.
Home is supposed to be the safe place where kids learn the skills they need out in the world.
You son is a work in progress and you would get better results by being compassionate and understanding, delving into what’s going on, rather than demanding action and answers.
But you’ll never learn, just like my bfs mum
Why is the only option you're giving him an apprenticeship? Why not working or studying? He doesn't have to know exactly what he wants right now and that's what you're asking of him by saying apprenticeship. Some kids just need to work for a few years before they figure it out and that's OK too.
Cool with all of the above, just not cool with quitting school to sit at home and work 10 hrs a week. Study or FT work and I am supportive. sleeping and enjoying the mooching lifestyle whilst his parents (me and dad) work - nope. It's the not doing the work for school ethic i have an issue with not the grade so much. every thing in life has its bad bits you can't just opt out.
16 year olds rarely get full time work to start with, it's usually after a certain time and build up to it to prove they're a good worker and capable. You sound very rigid and not understanding at all of the rut your child could be digging themself into if they don't have the options there. Help rather than just giving ultimatums. He's not putting the effort in because he doesn't want to be there. Listen to your kid.
Do you remember being that age?
Some are driven, a friend of mine knew in primary school that she wanted to be a teacher. She was driven by that. She worked hard through school knowing she needed to go to uni.
I had no idea. I grew up in a house where women didn't work or even drive. Noone in my family had been to uni. I didn't know the process or even how to access the information. So I didn't even try. I still finished school but at the end had no clue still. And being regional, living in a very small town, I had no work experience to get a foot in the door anywhere. Now I earn a 6 figure salary doing something that challenges me everyday and I've done it without great grades or further study. Work has now opened up a program for online courses we can do so I'll be looking into those shortly.
He'll get there. Just keep encouraging without pushing and without judgement.
Get him off to his GP for a mental health care plan. You may think he isn’t depressed but it’s worth getting him assessed. A psychologist may even be able to help him come up with a plan to get him through the next few years, whether that be school, TAFE, apprenticeship, full time work. And until he works out what he’s doing, he needs to do more around the house. He can cook dinner, do the washing and folding, whatever other daily tasks get completed in your home.
You don’t sound particularly approachable for a child that isn’t exactly sure what he wants.
I can see how it would go.
..I don’t care what you do, as long as you do something.
You aren’t sitting around here mooching, me and your father work hard.
He feels pressure, has no idea what’s next for him, feels all this pressure from you, so he zones out and you get “I don’t know”.
My son was t particularly studious, I would say “study, do your homework”.
But what he needed from me (he may not agree) was for me to be of more assistance.
We wen through all his due work, put it in the calendar.
I literally say to him, get off the game, work on Chinese oral test due tomorrow, get off game, work on humanities assignment due Friday.
We discuss what he has coming up, he needs me to be more proactive and pushy with his school work. To know what’s going on and guide him.
Your son needs the same in terms of career options.
Suggest jobs he could “try out”, short courses at TAFE, don’t focus on hours, focus on outcomes.
Help him, don’t just throw questions at him and expect him to k own the answers.
You might need to push him a little but it sounds like he needs some direction from you.
Tell him his future isn’t set in stone, he has the freedom to try things and see where that leads.
Be on his side, helpful, encouraging, understanding, open the dialogue, not my way or the high . No wonder he just says “I don’t know”.
Change your attitude, lead with compassion.
I think being totally apathetic is not a new thing for teens. Unfortunately the motivation has to come from inside. It’s shit watching everyone else seem to have goals while you just have none and couldn’t care less about school.
Talk to him about his goals. Not to reach your goal of having him do well, but just chat and start his mind ticking. You know his childhood interests. Go back to them, animals, drawing, cars, doctors, etc. find an interest, talk about options (think outside the square) then you can look at pathways, then eventually set goals to get there.
And his goal might end up being a holiday/gap year. Travel. Entering a competition (weights/tough mudder/art). Working holidays. It doesn’t have to be a long term goal, just something he’s excited for.
16 is a tough age.
They are still children, I mean, their brains haven't even finished developing yet but we expect them to make all these adult decisions and to have all these life goals.
That is extremely overwhelming for some kids, I know it was for me.
I did resume writing with my 10th grade English teacher, I was one of the only kids in the class that didn't have a clear vision of what I wanted to do when I left school. It mase me feel like there was something wrong with me! Instead of someone telling me "You don't need to have it all figured out right now", all I got was this bullshit pressure and sense of urgency that made me feel like my own life was leaving me behind.
All that did was push me further down the wrong path.
For what it's worth, my brother has ADHD and struggled the very same way and I'm fairly certain I may also have undiagnosed ADHD. Your son also has ADHD, maybe there's something in that...
After reading all the comments from others and then your responses there is a pattern.
Commenters believe you are cold and uncaring and you respond in a defensive and dismissive way.
You have asked for help, you have received many comments on what you should do or look into and you have chosen to ignore every last one.
You either care or you don’t, and right now, it seems you don’t care.
I wouldn’t say she doesn’t care, more a case of not approaching the situation with compassion.
Threres a big difference.