Husband is a drinker. During the week he will sometimes have a couple of drinks before leaving work. He generally walks through the door and straight to the fridge for a beer. Drinks beers until dinner time and then will mix vodka with soda water. Through the time we sit down to have dinner until the time we go to bed he literally has the glass attached to his hand while we watch tv. He will drink right up until he gets up to go to bed and does not put the glass down unless he is refilling it or using the toilet.
On the weekends the process is much the same except he starts earlier in the afternoon on beers and then switches to wine. There is not a single day where he is alcohol free. If we visit family members he either takes some beers (or wine if at dinner time) otherwise he sits and it’s almost like he does not want to communicate.
I rarely drink. Could even go without to support him but when I bring up drinking he deny’s that he has a problem and generally gets verbally aggressive. He drinks every day alone. I occasionally may have a cider or wine if we go out for a meal.
I brought It up with him tonight after finding two empty vodka bottles hidden in the recycle bin. He defended himself by saying he knew that I would look so he set a trap. This is not the first time It has happened. I’m sure that If i actually were to look regularly that Id actually find more.
He has admitted a drinking problem some time ago but he won’t change. I am very cautious with bringing it up wth him due to his aggressive and defensive behaviour. The alcohol honestly makes me want to leave. The hurtful part is that he would without a doubt choose the alcohol over me. He has said he will never give it up.
I hate sitting next to him while he has a glass attached to his hand constantly. It’s ruined our intimacy because I got to the point where I was over having to consider a glass of alcohol being in the way. The drinking also makes him snore so that also effects my sleep too.
My youngest son, 6 has even picked up on it now and says that when we go out “mum has one drink and dad, you have like 4 drinks”. I worry that it’s going to ruin their upbringing with them watching him only drink alcohol. We have two children.
I don’t really know what I’m asking but I’ve had enough. I’ve tried to help him but he won’t help himself. He works hard and is a kind person but I don’t want to be with an alcoholic. It’s too much to handle watching him not care about his body or enough about his family to see what impact his drinking is making. Sober him is different to the man behind the alcohol. I hate the man behind the alcohol and feel sorry for him. Sober him is not the same person.
3 Replies
My husband is the same 😩 the only reason I don’t leave him, is that he isn’t violent or aggressive. He is a good dad and provider. The alcohol though is disgusting and I can’t stand it and the way it affects him. If he was violent with it towards me and my kids, I wouldn’t be staying. I also don’t feel sorry for him. There is no excuse not to get help or want to try and stop.
Time to make the tough decision. You don’t want this, and he is not changing. You can’t hold onto the image of what he’s like IF he’s not how he is. He is how he is, face it and act accordingly.
Wow I thought I'd written this! My life is almost identical. Although my husband has, in the past, admitted that alcohol is a problem and we have done alcohol counselling, have done 'home rehab' and he has given up and then taken it up again multiple times.
My husband is currently on a alcohol at home ban, meaning if he wants to have a drink he has to go out (either to a friend's house or a club/pub) as I know that sitting at home and drinking alone is not healthy, and I'm hoping to change his perspective towards it and see it more of a 'social' activity and not something to be used as a crutch.
What has shocked me is how much more motivated he is. I hadn't realised how much the drink was stopping him from doing jobs around the house and just being more involved in general (it's so much easier for them to just switch off the rest of the world when they drink) and we have actually started having sex again.
My guess is that your husband would be the same- goes to work, comes home and drinks and probably does the bare minimum at home and in your relationship.
It's a decision only you can make, but believe me when I say I GET IT. All these years I've been thinking 'if he could only give it up everything would be ok' But he was choosing to continually go back to it.
And it's taken me a long time to realise that I can love him, but not want to live like this and while it would break my heart I don't wish to watch somebody drink themselves into death (a friend of mine recently left her alcoholic husband after many horrible years, only for him to now have an alcohol-related terminal illness, and she's back caring for him because nobody else would as they were sick of his crap)
My advice to you is Boundaries. Set yours, know exactly what they are and talk to him about them clearly. If he won't respect your boundaries then it's just like anything else in a relationship, and you either decide to change your boundaries or you leave.