I’m so defeated! My daughter (11) is making life unbearable at home. She had recently been diagnosed with ADHD ASD1 and anxiety along with serious ongoing health issues that she was born with.
Family outings are just not possible, her behaviour is out of control and her outbursts and meltdowns are so constantly happening throughout the day starting at breakfast and not stopping until she goes to sleep at night.
My husband will take our boys out to the park or beach just so they are not stuck at home because of her.
I’m always stuck with her! There is literally no one who can calm her down when she is worked up and my daughter and husband clash with their personalities. She has told me that she hates her father and wants me to divorce him. Grandparents are not an option and a lot of the time will cancel family gatherings at the last minute or just catch up with siblings, this happens on both sides of the family.
I feel like I’m her prisoner and I feel horrible saying that. We live in such a beautiful area and cannot enjoy it. She is on medication, there has been no changes from when she started. It’s a constant struggle with just the smallest of things and always feeling like I’m walking around on egg shells.
I hate that a simple thing like going to the park has become too much, the way she will scream and fling her self around in the car because she is asked to tie up shoe laces (which she can do) makes it too dangerous to drive, the boys resent her and I’m starting to as well. My husband told her this morning that her behaviour is destroying our family and that we don’t know how to help her anymore.
I don’t know what to do anymore.
6 Replies
She would feel the resentment from everyone through body language and when you're speaking to her and is reacting to that. She can't just not go anywhere at all, try taking her for drives just you and her. Don't ask anything of her during the drive just try and have a conversation or listen to music or a story. Take her through the drive through for lunch then park somewhere nice to eat. If she has a meltdown pull over and wait for her to stop, don't get angry at her. Is she able to get ndis, respite? You need a break as well. I would also go back to the Dr and discuss medication, if it's not working maybe she needs a different one or possibly misdiagnosed.
you need professionals like OT / psychologist to give you strategies.
you need a set plan about what you will do, consistent and same each time, so you both know what to expect.
have you done much reading about asd?
you need to get into her world.
what your husband said this morning is bordering on emotional abuse, she can't help the way she is and you guys arent managing it well at all.
but it isnt your fault, its all new to you, read all you can, get up to speed and get help from the professionals.
remember, she doesnt choose to be this way x
Ooof thats an awful thing for an 11 year old to hear. You have to remember she is not choosing this behaviour, she is a kid with a lot of struggles and she’s just beyond her coping skills at this point.
You have to go back to the paed and psych about her meds, you have to keep going back until you find what works , and even then you’ll probably keep going back because she needs to learn skills while she’s calm enough to practise them, and you need to learn how to help her before it gets to this point.
How does she act at school? She is probably exhausted and this could be why she is horrid before and melts down after. She is not having her needs met, And then on top she’s feeling the hate and blame from her family, but she’s too young to be able to fix this, so you and dad have to take that responsibility and blame not put it on her. things will be so much better when you sort it all out.
You and your husband need to get help to develop strategies. Your daughter needs professional support as well.
How dare your husband say that to his child. She was born this way and she is being blamed for it. Charming. Frankly it's his and your attitude and treatment of her that is destroying your family. Professional support is needed for everyone.
Just because you think she is capable of something like her shoelaces doesn't mean that in that moment her mind doesn't see it as too difficult, scary or downright impossible. You and your husband need to recognise that and start supporting her instead of blaming her. She needs a safe place and you and your husband are not providing her with that. She can't do certain things, CANT, not won't.
I know its hard I have 1 child with disabilities that requires constant care and another with such severe anxiety that it is now bordering on agoraphobia. I homeschool that child because he can barley leave the house for 10 mins let alone attend school. Yes I feel trapped some days, yes there are days when I cry but I never blame the child because it's not their fault.
Having 3 Autistic kids, I totally get it.
Have you noticed she has become worse since starting medication? We have found behaviours can escalate with medication side effects.
If you haven’t already, register for NDIS, she may need some supports through Occupational Therapy, Psychologist, Speech Therapy.
Try to figure out what is causing the meltdowns. Is she overwhelmed? Too many instructions at once? Is it sensory- the feeling of her clothing, socks.. noises within the environment etc
I understand it’s really tough, she needs you to be her safe person, especially if she clashes with dad ( we live this too)
Educate yourself. Once you learn to understand how an ASD/ ADHD brain works, and understand her anxiety/sensory needs, you will see her very differently. Sometimes we just have to adjust our approach, good luck
You’ve got this!
Feel free to inbox me if you want to chat or just vent..
I hear you, I feel you, I was you. Not liking her behavior is so normal and exhausting especially when you feel alone.
I have 4 kids, asd adhd, adhd odd and 2 more adhd and all have anxiety. Life’s most basic tasks can feel like a mountain with meltdowns. But it’s not like this much anymore, still sometimes, but less frequent.
NDIS if you already have got it, Occupational therapy helped immensely, a psych who specializes is asd and adhd helped, and a really good paed who will evaluate medication, what works for some kids won’t work for others, we tried an array of different medications until we found the right ones for each kid. Also read, read it all, knowledge is power.
My kids lives have completely changed and therefore the family unit has too. Maybe your husband can go along to OT with you to learn different language to speak to her, it honestly can be the slightest change and it may help. Eg, if I say to one of my kids “it’s time to get up and get dressed and we need to get to school, come on quickly now” that can cause so much grief so I now wake him 20 -30 mins earlier and say “hey mate if you’d like to get up and get ready for school that’d be great”, 9 times out of 10 because he thinks he has a choice he gets up and gets ready, same as eating breakfast, if you’d like there is cereal, toast or eggs or other things over here if your hungry, he eats what he chooses or some days he doesn’t but I don’t make a big deal etc.
I would also say get therapy for yourself, you need it, we all do and join some asd adhd groups. You aren’t alone, there are so many of us who are silently struggling, but you don’t have to.
Sending love xx