I’m 47 and I’ve been having sex with much younger men for a while.
Just found out I’m pregnant. The father is 21.
Not sure how I go about telling him, or whether to tell anyone. I’m not getting an abortion.
Seriously thinking about not letting anyone know who the father is, we’d get in so much trouble in our small town.
Knocked up
Knocked up
Posted in:
Pregnancy
58 Replies
Unless you are planning on leaving town, questions will be asked and people will work it out, even if you think you’ve kept it a secret, someone knows!
Your baby deserves to know the father, and the father deserves the opportunity to try and be a dad.
Righting someone off because you are worried about the gossip, is not fair to the baby or the father.
Pages
This is an ethical question. Have the baby and don’t let someone (and their family) know they have a child walking this earth. Have you got the right to decide that he doesn’t want to know and make his own choices? Have you got the right to hold that baby from their dad?
If you want a no drama child, go through a donor. If you have a baby this way, there is a father that has rights.
You seem happy to do it yourself, but they rarely leave you - or more importantly the child - in that lovely peace. Is that something you can handle?
If you keep it a secret, how will you explain that to the child when they’re old enough. And it will come out eventually. Would it be worse to come out now or to come out in years and then the fact your withheld his child from him will come out on top. Think about the long term for this child, they will want to know. And they will resent you if you feel your drama is more important than their right to truth, or knowing their parent!
Did you get pregnant on purpose? Seems weird that you are having sex with multiple partners but not on any contraception at your age. You will be 65 when the child is 18. I'm 42, my youngest is 17 I made the decision 10 years ago that if I ever fell pregnant again I would abort it. I know that I would not be able to cope with a child that has any additional needs at all so that was what made my decision, the older you get the more likely that's going to happen.
No of course I didn’t. I was on the pill and no I’m not going to abort, additional needs or not.
Do you realise just how hard caring for special needs actually is? It is no walk in the park. I hope you are ready for that . Yes I know for fact how hard it is.
So you would abort your baby if you knew they would be additional needs beforehand?
I didn't even test for it and I was 18 and much higher risk of defects as I simply do not agree with abortion(for my self) I don't think you should push your own issues on to others.
WTF.. maybe try and be supportive. How do you know she has multiple partners? How do know she isn’t on contraception?. Who cares if she is 65 when her child is 18. Good for you that you made that decision. Gee what a negative person you are.
I have much to say about this, but I'll try and keep it short!
1. Do not care about what 'others' think. It's not their life. What do you mean you would 'get into trouble'? From who?
2. Girl you are 47, old enough to not give a fuck about small town gossip, but also old enough to know you were kinda playing with fire and now have to face the consequences, and if that means the locals down the pub having a chin wag about you then it's really not the end of the world.
3. You absolutely should tell the father. If he chooses to not be involved so be it, but he may have family who want to know their grandchild. Yep it might be awkward for you because you may be of similar age to them but thems the breaks. Be the grown up here and take responsibility and do the the right thing by your child by not cutting off their family before they are even born.
I'm in my early 30s and a 21 year old man is basically like a child to me...I've gotta ask, why that super young age?
If the genders were reversed the OP would be called a creep for sure
Funny how men my age have wives much younger or have kids with younger women and no one gets too upset.
I’m just not attracted to men my own age. I find them dull, ugly and boring and have nothing in common with them.
Men with much younger wives and girlfriends get shit on about it all of the time and for good reason. To go after someone who is barely an adult and hasn't got a fully developed brain yet is predatory and surely you can't have much in common with them unless you're extremely immature.
At 21 your brain is fully developed and you are an adult. Men with much younger wives and girlfriends do not get shit on for it. They get called studs who must have something good to keep a younger woman interested.
What do you have in common with a 21 year old? Maybe you’re very immature 47 year old. You do realise what you’ve done to this bloke. Why you going around having unprotected anyway. Karma!
Sorry, what do you mean get in trouble? Have you been sleeping with this guy from when he was underage or grooming him or something?
No of course not! I just meant that everyone will be upset with us and stuff
imagine it were your stupid, irresponsible 21 year old son in this situation.
how would you want this to go down?
his brain isnt fully formed, he doesnt fully comprehend the consequences of his actions, no doubt just thinking about getting some.
at 47, what's your excuse?
its creepy and yukky too, i have a son that is a young man and i'm 42.
do you have kids? that's whose opinions i would care about.
i would think very carefully about everything,
Neither is mine. I have Asperger’s, ADHD and don’t look anywhere near 47. I was still getting asked for ID in my mid 30s.
What do you mean think carefully? Are you trying to tell me I should get an abortion?
YES
Well I’m not. There’s absolutely no reason for me to end the life of my unborn son or daughter.
do you know how many of us have that dual diagnosis, ADHD/ASD?
are you really using that as an excuse?
you think you look young, how is that relevant?
you do know they will be comparing notes and talking behind your back.
when i think about it, it is probably them taking advantage of you.
they have worked out youre so desperate/lonely, that youll sleep with 21 year olds at 47.
i bet youre getting a lot of attention from the guys in that age bracket in your small town.
Actually I’ve just been in a long term relationship. We were together from when he was 21-26.
I’m not desperate or lonely in the slightest. If I was desperate, I’d have rooted the old farmers who try it on, not the younger hotties.
I’ve only had it off with 5 younger blokes over the last ten years, including my boyfriend that I had for 5 years.
you'll always be a placeholder until they want to get serious, marriage, kids etc.
old farmers, they're probably likely your age.
younger hotties, you sound like a hormonal teenager.
you are so immature and so ageist, which is ironic, given your age.
i have no words, every comment is worse than the last.....
Look the immaturity and compatability with 20 year olds seems to be a personality trait, it could be part of the ASD and ADHD too. I don’t think we should use it as a slur at her. She is saying what suits her and it’s not illegal. We should also remember this ‘poor 21 year old’ is a man who knows full well to wrap it and he could find himself in this predicament with anyone else hes shagged too.
OP, you do have him to consider though. He is the father and always will be. And since you lack maturity, you should speak this through with a counsellor. I think there’s a lot of angles you are not seeing about this right now. Being caught out for being naughty is the last thing anyone cares about.
yeah, you're probably right.
maybe she has some cognitive challenges that explains the behaviour.
i dont see the 21 year old as innocent either, probs taking advantage of her.
Is this a guy you've known since he was a child? Or just a random guy you met recently? I can understand why people would be upset if he was, say, one of your kids friends who you've seen grow up. I think if that was the case you could possibly be charged for grooming (though the laws are a grey area) I know you've made up your mind about keeping the baby and I hope you have some support around you but I believe the truth will get out regarding the father.
Charged for grooming? Why? Who will charge me? The police aren’t going to arrest me for having consensual sex with someone over the age of consent, surely??
If you knew him as a child then yes you could get done for grooming and people have been charged for it before. One case is a YouTuber named Onision who had a young girl stay over a few times (I think she was 13 when he knew her and she stayed over numerous times from that age up to 18) and then he had sex with her as soon as she turned 18.
But that’s not what happened at all. He chased me not the other way around.
It doesn't really matter who chased who. Most women in your position would have said no thanks and probably laughed about it with a friend later. If he's someone you've had over while he was a child then it could end badly for you. Grooming laws have been in effect since 2011 in Australia but like I said it's a grey area so would be a case by case basis and they'd have to determine you weren't inappropriate with him when he was underage.
One thing that's becoming more and more clear to me as I get older is that you can't get time back. We don't get no do overs in this life!
If you don't tell your child who their father is and if you don't tell your sexual partner that you're expecting his kid - you're robbing them both of a potentially beautiful father/child relationship, ie, time together they cannot get back.
Small town gossip is not a good enough reason to keep a child from their father. Covering all this up so you can save face is very selfish. Take some accountability and do the right thing!
If you tell him and he wants no part of it, so be it. He made his choice.
You just don't have the right to make that choice on his behalf.
Can I just ask, are you 100% positive it's his baby? You've had multiple sexual partners for a while and you kind of need to be sure before you turn this young guy's life upside down or you at least need to be upfront with him if the possibility exists that the baby could be someone else's also.
Lastly - PLEASE go get yourself an STI screening asap. Pregnancy is not the only thing you may have picked up along the way and some sexuality transmitted infections/diseases can be harmful to both you and baby.
I haven’t slept with anyone else this month
That would depend if you know for sure how many weeks you are. Like have you had a dating scan? People can continue to bleed during pregnancy especially at the start. I suggest getting at dating scan before you tell anyone.
Your mistake, you need to own it!! It's not fair on the child or the father, and his family, to not know of one another's existence. When the secret does come out (and it will) it will be even worse than if it came out now.
Either fess up or don't have this baby. Your embarrassment over this situation does not give you the right to deny the rights of the child and father.
It's a shame sex education in this country seems to be so poor. Having unprotected sex is dangerous not just because of pregnancy but STI's as well. 21 year old men are not old enough to have a fully developed brain yet and they probably don't know about safe sex properly. You really shouldn't be having sex with men that young anyway (come on...you're 47 ffs) you need to get tested for any STI's as well. I think you sound too immature to have a new baby and I just hope the baby ends up having a good life.n
By that logic 21 year olds shouldn’t be having sex at all
47 year olds should not be taking advantage of them!
Sleeping with another consenting adult isn’t taking advantage. We both wanted sex. How tf is that taking advantage?
You’re so immature.
If you don’t like the small town gossips then leave or don’t do anything you know will cause you embarrassment.
This man deserves to know he has a child if you plan to keep it from him. He also deserves a right to decide if he wants to be a part of it’s life. You do not get to make that choice.
I hope he wants to know his child. I hope he takes you to court for custody. You’re childish and are more concerned with trying to convince us that you look young rather than actually facing the problem.
I personally think you are far too immature to have a baby, especially at your age, you carry a much higher risk of the baby having some sort of disadvantage whether that be a neurological or physical disadvantage.
You will be VERY old when this child is in school and they will get picked on because you will be as old as everyones grandparents. Kids shouldn’t pick on kids, but it happens whether we like it or not.
Just because you “look young” doesn’t mean your eggs are young.
Are you VERY young ? You must be a VERY young girl making a dopey comment like that. She won't be VERY old when her child is in school for fuck sakes . So she'll be 80+ will she? Fucking idiot.
Hah!
My daughter was picked on at school because I was young. A couple of the nosey, bitchy mums went as far as to stalk my Facebook profile to find my birthdate, calculate that I must've been 18 and 19 respectively when my two children were born, discuss it at length within earshot of their own children who then went to school and repeated all the less than kind things that were said about me.
90 percent of the time kids are mean to each other because they've been influenced by parents who don't have the self awareness to realise they're modelling nasty or bullying behaviour.
Hysterical how people here are acting like this 21 year old man was completely powerless, taken advantage of and totally incapable of understanding the consequences of having unprotected sex 🤣
At 21 my husband and I were married and had 2 babies. If 21 year old adults can't make sensible, adult decisions then why are they allowed to vote? Drink? Drive? Work? Get married? If they break the law, why are they charged as adults?
If he participated in casual sex with OP consensually and willingly, then he is equally as responsible and I'd say the same thing if genders were reversed. There comes a point in adulthood where the only one responsible for your choices is yourself!
It's also possible the imbalance of power people are mentioning could have gone the other way. It sounds like OP is quite immature and struggles with decision making herself, for all we know she could be being taken advantage of by all these younger guys, who in a small town probably know each other, because she's an easy target.
Maybe its all just been a bit of consensual fun across the board that has unfortunately resulted in a pregnancy.
So maybe we could tone down the condemnation and offer this woman some actual support.
OP - if you're going to continue with this pregnancy, you need to tell the father. Not doing so would be incredibly unfair and has the potential to negatively affect many people.
it was more the dull, ugly and boring comments that got me, rather than the sexual activity itself.
it is the attitude more than anything....anyways
Careful, I know someone with pretty much the same story. Baby looked exactly like dad from birth. Everyone knew
So you're happy to be the town whore, as long as no one finds out.
Honey, chances are people already know, boys talk.
Congrats on your pregnancy. Its a blessing many don't get to experience. Do the right thing, have a conversation with the father. He has a right to know.
Seriously? You are so worried about small town gossip that you want to keep a child from it's father. Grow up. The child and its father both deserve to know. Not only for their potential relationship but also so the child will know its family medical history which could become relevant in the future. Either way people are going to gossip about you now (they probably already are). Either it will be you slept around so much you don't know who the father is or about who the father is, so I don't see how it makes any difference at this point.
Some of the responses here are so incredibly rude!
I’d say tell him and let him make any decisions on what he wants to do.
You’re 47, so I’d assume you’re in a position to raise this child on your own.
I’ve lived in a small town, and I mean SMALL population approximately 200.
People are going to gossip about absolutely anything you do.
TBH they probably all know what’s happened anyway, has he ever driven to your house?
I still remember being the talk of the town anytime I had an out of town friend pull up in my driveway. I was once accused of dating my now brother in law because he came over a few times to hang out and drove me to town a couple of times.
If it doesn’t die down, maybe consider moving by the time your child starts school?
I know my husband and I are constantly judged by our family name when we go ‘home’ and my husband was judged all through school and even when he attempted to move back there, we believe was rejected for jobs based on his family name (he has never been unemployed living in the city and was actually willing to take a step back to go back to the country)
21 and 47.
That's disgusting. He's still basically a child. The law is a minimum. If the genders were reversed everyone would be freaking out. This isn't ok. I think it's time for you to grow up. You made your choice in this situation when you slept with a child. Now you can to put those choices into action and own them.