AITA?
I’ve got two primary aged kids, 5&8. I’ve been separated from their dad when my youngest was 6 months old. We’ve got majority custody I’d say 70/30.
Now, it appears I have to update my ex on everything that happens with the kids and their school calendars. Photo day, sports days, 8 year olds instrument practice at school etc.
I’m over it. I work full time, run a house hold and then feel like I have to baby another adult in the process who I shouldn’t. He gets newsletters and emails from the school. My children are great communicators if you ask them the right questions. I feel like maybe he should be communicating with the school and kids directly the way me and my husband do?
Example this week: I sent him dates for a Father’s Day get together at the kids school that came through as it’s an event I don’t want him or the kids to miss together. The date didn’t appear correct and he asked me to pop into the school and ask for the correct date and to let him know. I feel like this is unreasonable when he can call/email the school himself.
Edit: There’s no child support as we both earn and are able to provide effectively without it.
He has the children every other weekend and half of school holidays so him needing to know what is going on with band practice isn’t something that affects him or his schedule.
He receives all correspondence from school classrooms and newsletters but tells me he ‘missed it’ or ‘didn’t have time to read it’.
When it comes to things like therapy session updates and extra curricular activities I update accordingly as he doesn’t easily have access to this information.
8 Replies
You are a bit, yeah. 30% custody is still a pretty decent chunk, and 5 & 8 young to expect them to speak for themselves for every little detail. I assume your ex pays child support?
Can you email him the school calendar?
My partner pays a ridiculous amount of private school fees, and yet the school can't seem to manage having two parents on the mailing list - and yes, he's tried.
I imgaine that you keep him up to date with what activities you want him to take the kids to on his days - birthday parties, photo day whatever, and I can imagine your response if something happened with the kids on his days and he didn't tell you.
Surely it's not that hard to email & say "FYI Bobby has clarinet practise at 330pm every Tuesday".
There’s no child support as we both earn and are able to provide effectively without it.
He has the children every other weekend and half of school holidays so him needing to know what is going on with band practice isn’t something that affects him or his schedule.
He receives all correspondence from school classrooms and newsletters but tells me he ‘missed it’ or ‘didn’t have time to read it’.
When it comes to things like therapy session updates and extra curricular activities I update accordingly as he doesn’t easily have access to this information.
I don’t think you are the asshole. I think he is. He gets the same information you do. He just chooses not to use it.
I’d probably give the heads up about special events, that the kids would want him to attend but that’s it.
Step back, stop telling him and let him and the kids step up with communicating. My kids don't let me forget things. They should know when sport is, photo day etc etc, even if it's just a "it's photo day next week" and Dad is then prompted to check the newsletter for more info.
I feel you! My ex husband asks me “when are school holidays”
I have to google this myself and find the answer. If i dare tell him to google it he calls me unhelpful amongst a barrage of abusive names.
These children need to learn to stop relying on us and do some googling or emailing themselves to the school etc
You do have to inform of medical and major things, the rest is not your role. No it’s not coparenting, that is him wanting you to still carry his mental load and run his chores. Organising himself is 100% nothing to do with you.
You are definitely not the one at fault here! He wants you to continue to carry his mental load. As much as you shouldn’t have to, every email you receive from school forward it on to him, every time you email the class teachers CC him on it, every time a printed note gets sent home scan or take a photo and email it to him. Same with all medical appointments. Keep everything in email. When he complains you haven’t notified him of something, or decides to get nasty, you’ve got date and time stamped emails to prove you have sent him everything. You can then tell him you’ve emailed him the relevant info on this day at this time, and if he hasn’t read the email or put a reminder on the calendar, then that’s his problem not yours.
Exactly the same here. I will now forward any correspondence he may not have, remind him of big things for the kids benefit. But I’m really trying to pull back, they need to carry some mental load