Hi ,
I am sorry about the long post and please be kind with your comments.
I have moved to Australia 17 years ago but I still have a very thick accent( sometimes I even mix up the tenses). I am very conscious of this and has caused me a lot of hart ache throughout the years. I feel I have been looked down,ignored and openly insulted because of this, way too many times.
We recently moved to a small rural town and people have been quite nice. We even made some new friends who have been lovely.,
There are also few others who treat me like I am stupid because of this and refuse to talk to me unless they need something from me. I have promised myself not tolerate this, speak up and not let this type of people be in my life.
One of my husband acquaintances lives in our village with his family. We reached out to socialise with them. They have visited us few times and we have gone out together couple of times but every time we see them, my husband's acquaintance does not acknowledge me. His wife will give me a hug talk to me while he does not say hello or good buy to me. Even if i do say hello to him, he ignores me. If I ask him a question he turns his head over to his wife or my husband and will answer my question looking at them as if I do not exists.
The last straw was few days ago when he came to our house, he said hello to everyone apart from me. He even left our house walking past me without saying goodbye.
My husband does not see this as a problem and he is happy to form a friendship with this person ( he would not call him a friend as they do not know eachother well) but he says he likes talking with him and going out with him occasionally. He says his acquaintance can visit our house when I am not home as i said he is not welcome in our house anymore.
I find this very hurtful and I feel betrayed that my husband would pursue a friendship with someone who ignores his wife for no reason and treats her disrespectfully.
My husband knows how much pain this causes me and has caused me in the past.
I think his friend is racist and not a nice person and I feel bullied.
Is it unreasonable of me to ask my husband not to pursue this friendship. He thinks I have no right to tell him who should or shouldn't socialise with.
Your insight will be much appreciated.
13 Replies
Why don't you just ask him, in from of everyone, "have i done something to upset you, because it feels like you're ignoring me?"
Don't let him get away with that rude behaviour, call him out.
Don't assume he's racist until you ask and he has no answer.
Definitely a racist. It is not unreasonable to expect your husband to pull this guy up on his behaviour and it really shouldn't be hard to have to cut contact if he doesn't, if they aren't close.
You've never met this woman, or this man for that matter and you can say with absolute certainty he's racist.
For all we know, OP could get around in little boob tube tops that make him uncomfortable (just an example).
That might excuse no eye contact but it doesn't excuse completely dismissing her. Uncomfortable people can manage to say hello. I'm unsure what race OP is but this is common for some people (especially older men) to treat Asians like this, saw it often in my old workplace where I worked with Filipinos. Australia is full of racists and not uncommon at all to come across these attitudes so yeah, quite confident that this person is probably racist.
Yep^
Australia does have a problem with racism but that uncomfortable fact is something many people aren't ready to acknowledge.
Someone I just met recently casually used the N word in context when they were talking to me like it was a perfectly acceptable adjective.
I also work retail and see acts of racism so regularly it's not funny.
so this guy must be racist too?
geez hope you guys never get called for jury duty, so closed minded.
I'm not saying he absolutely MUST be racist, maybe he's a raging misogynist, who knows!
All I'm saying is that looking at this realistically his behaviour certainly supports the possibility that this is racial. Because there's generally not "a million reasons" for people to display this kind of targeted and specific disrespect.
the boob tube was an example only urghh maybe she has come across rude in someway without realising it.
i just don't think prejudging/labelling him without asking the actual question is productive.
I'm sorry you've had to deal with this, an old colleague of mine was often treated similarly which really just showed people's ignorance because she was probably the most intelligent and well educated person I'd ever met. She was also a lovely person!
The way this man is treating you though is blatantly rude at the very least but it probably comes from a place of prejudice.
I have noticed that a lot of men have real trouble calling other men out on unacceptable behaviour, I have also noticed that some men don't make new friends easily.
As a result, they tend to overlook problematic traits in their mates.
I think you should definitely speak up though, he doesn't have the right to be disrespectful directly to your face.
Yeah your husbands a jerk here. Who makes a friend that is clearly not polite to your wife. He is not respecting you and makes me wonder what he’s chasing that this he thinks this guy offers?
Just ask him directly if you've upset him when he ignores you. I wouldn't jump straight to racist. People ignore people for millions of reasons
My response is directed to your husband:
Bad things happen because Good Men do nothing!
It's time for him to step up. Call his so-called friend out and if there is no improvement, cut him out of your lives. If your husband hasn't got your back, what can you expect of strangers?
I own a business in a male dominated industry and I have had numerous men ignore me in conversations and address the men in the room, even when I am legitimately in charge and/or actually the one paying the bill. I use my power. I stop giving them work and/or sack them.
I have had many conversations with my husband about this and he is only prepared to direct these men back to me "Better talk to xx, she's paying you" but he won't call them out directly. But then he doesn't call out lots of poor behavior by colleagues/friends "not up to me". It has effected our relationship.
But... the good news is there are Good Men out there. My brother is one. He goes out of his way to give migrants, women, special needs employees opportunities equally. He has their back when they struggle to 'cut-through' in their business roles and speaks up publicly and with his cheque book. I've seen him in action and it changes the tone of the room instantly. Good things can happen when Good Men do something!
Ok first of all don’t waste anymore time on being upset by this person. You are clearly much nice than he is. Yes - he shouldn’t be welcome in your house if he’s going to treat you this way. However if your husband says he still wants to pursue a friendship then so be it. Maybe it’s not as bad as you think it is. Don’t spend your precious time being upset by this horrid and rude man. You are so much better than that and are worth more. If he does it again I’d call him out on it.
“I’m sorry (name). Have I don’t something to offend you for you to be so rude to me everything like we meet?” Maybe he thinks you’re so exceptionally good looking and can’t bare to look you in the eye! Either way - his bad behaviour is on him not you.