My partner lacks empathy. He seems to struggle with understanding anyone else's perspective when it comes to feelings. I wouldn't go as far as to call him a narcisist but he definitely has traits leaning that way, especially if we get into a disagreement. I'm quite an emotional person so it frustrates me when he doesn't understand why I'm feeling a certain way about things, and he often makes out like I'm acting unreasonable towards situations. I've tried to explain situations and feelings to him in a really broken-down manner but he seems to look at me blankly. Or he says he understands but then never changes his perspective. We have a young daughter and I'm worried that he'll never see her perspective and will judge her and her actions based on only his level of understanding...if that makes sense? Has anyone ever helped a partner (or anyone) learn to be empathetic? How do I learn to accept his lack of emotional intelligence? Obviously I can be the emotional support for my daughter and help her regulate her emotions while growing up but will his lack of empathy affect her?
4 Replies
You're just different. That's all. Sometimes there's just nothing to fix. No two ppl see eye to eye in exactly the same way, and some are further away to it than others.
It's just difference so try to change how it affects you, than trying to change how he sees things, try not to let it eat at you.
I grew up with separated parents so my situation was a little different to your daughter's but I too had one empathetic, supportive parent I could talk to about anything without judgement. The other parent would shut down or belittle every feeling or experience I had. That parent made me feel so misunderstood and unloved.
Don't underestimate the damage that can do to a child.
I barely have a relationship with my mum as an adult purely for this reason, still to this day she struggles to regulate her own options let alone let alone even considering other people's. She just did something horrid to her best friend and truly can't fathom why her friend is hurt 🙄
Empathy isn't everyone's strong suit though, some people are just unable to understand things from another person's perspective and that's fine. It's only a problem when they try to override or invalidate another person's emotions, thoughts or perspectives and I suspect that is what you're finding really frustrating.
So maybe put it to him from another angle, tell him he doesn't have to understand why you feel the way you do, he doesn't even necessarily have to change his perspective or agree with you - he just has to accept that you feel the way you do even if he doesn't think that particular emotion is justified.
So as an example, if you explain to him you're feeling frustrated and why, he doesn't get to counteract that with a "no you're not, what the hell do you have to be frustrated about?". Your emotions aren't up for debate, he just needs to hear you.
He just needs to get to that place where he can at least understand other people are entitled to feelings that are different to his.
"I don't need you to understand, I just need you to hear what I'm saying."
He doesn't have to be empathetic if he hasn't got that deep level of emotional understanding. But he can be kind. Eg. Hug you because your sad something upsetting happened.
However, in saying that my partner used to not be great at understanding emotions (he actually went to a big effort through counselling and lots of talking to emotionally in touch friends to gain a better understanding)
But if i look back on his emotionally numb days, he showed his care in other ways. For example if he knew i was sad or tired, he'd cook tea, or bring me a coffee. I think his care came in forms of actions.
Now he talks, listens and offers understanding AND cooks tea/brings the coffee. 🤣
This is my husband. I could have written this myself. There’s nothing wrong with him or you. You are just two completely different people. I wouldn’t say my husband has become more empathetic but he has learnt to listen and try to understand me over the years. But further to that, I feel like he has taught me to be less emotional and dramatic about things. I could absolutely over analyse every thing that happened to me. He taught me to not care what people think about me and let things roll off my back a bit more.