Its a long one - bare with me though please I desperately need help.
Over the past few months I have noticed more and more signs that my 11 year old is having mental health issues and I don't know how I can help her. She cries most days before school begging not to have to go and cries when she gets home from pure exhaustion. She's had so many days off this year because I cant push her out the door crying. She has ripped holes in so many pairs of pants from "playing" with them.
She's not sleeping, some nights I'll wake up at 2am and she will be sitting at the bench in the dark - when I ask why she's not in bed, she says she can't sleep and is sick of trying. She has a few friends at school but she's withdrawing from them a bit - they will ask for a play date and she will ask me to make up an excuse why she can't go. She has a little bit of the usual bullying going on (she's just had a big growth spurt so she is taller than everyone in her class, she is really skinny and got breasts bigger than everyone as well - which she's constantly trying to hide) but I don't think that the only reason she doesn't want to go to school.
She says she just hates school, she hates being there. On the days she comes home and passes out from exhaustion I find out later that the teacher might have asked her something in front of the class or to do something and she gets really embarrassed when she gets it wrong. She's said she feels like she can't breath and then she just starts crying in class which makes her feel even more embarrassed.
2 months ago I convinced her to come with me to a doctors appointment to organise a mental health plan, I explained it might help to get some feelings out to someone who isn connected to the family or school she said she would give it a go if she could see a female doctor.
We live regionally and there's only two female local GP's - one isn't taking new clients, the other we booked in with but it went horribly. There was a language barrier and she had a very thick accent - my daughter couldn't understand her. She kept looking at me when the doctor asked her something because she couldn't understand, so I would repeat the question which just made her feel so uncomfortable, towards the end of the appointment I tried to help by answering some questions for her and tried to get her to elaborate a bit more. We didn't get a mental health plan, the doctor asked if my daughter would be ok speaking with her without me present next time, she agreed I think out of politeness. We got in the car and she just fell apart, said she didn't want to go back to her, she couldn't understand her and it made her feel dumb.
We have a regular doctor but he's male, every time we have had a hard day or were talking about feelings I bring up that its something we should bring up with the doctor, because while anxiety is a normal part of life, this is at a debilitating level and we need to get help to manage it - she just bursts into tears and says she's sick of taking about it, she's sick of feeling the way she is.
Im so friggen heartbroken for her, I don't know how to help her and I can't force her to go to the doctors or to school anymore.
What can I do? What are my options? Please help us. I can't just book her a GP appointment and force her or trick her into going, this will break her trust for me and that's the last thing I want
I think my 11 year old has depression?
I think my 11 year old has depression?
Posted in:
Mental Health, Parenthood Guilt, Health & Wellbeing, Teenagers, Puberty
13 Replies
Please get her to a Dr asap and ask for a care plan and referral to a female child psychologist. They will help her. Poor kid. Mt son has severe anxiety and they have been amazing. Also quiet word to her school without her knowing. They can help in ways that may lift her up and encourage her.
Be very open and honest with her. Lay with her at night and talk to her. Lay with her to get her to sleep. Tell her to tell you all of her worries, because holding it in makes her sick. She may be hiding abuse that she can’t tell anyone, you just don’t know sometimes. Tread carefully and be very open. Don’t say much, just listen. Tell her to take deep breathes. Google breathing exercises for anxiety. Ring beyond blue and explain your situation. They will put you in touch with the right people in your area. Get her some melatonin gummies, to Help her sleep. When she goes to bed, that’s her thinning time, that’s why she can’t shut off, which creates more anxiety and it’s a vicious circle. Lay with her, cuddle her and just get her to open up, listen and don’t comment, just show love, support and understanding and keep at it. Professional help before she gets older and this gets worse because it will. get her to write you letters if she can’t tell you things. I feel for her. I have anxiety and know how she feels it’s crippling.
Distance education may help. Are you in Qld?
Also try the brave program online
Depressions doesn’t always have a cause, so asking her what is wrong may not be appropriate. She could tell you she doesn’t know and she may be telling the truth. I have a chemical imbalance that causes me to have depressive episodes.
I hope if there is something causing it, she tells you, but be open to the possibility that she has an imbalance and no ‘reason’ for it.
Get her to a trusted, caring GP and get a mental health plan. Give her love and support even if she wont talk, just be there quietly when she wants to talk.
Sending love to your family, this is a tough one
I think this is what is the case, because I have asked her if there is anything in particular that are contributing to how she feels and she says its just everything. I think the change in chemicals from puberty might have brought it on or made it worse. The issue is actually getting her to go to another GP and opening up. I won't force her or trick her to go because then she won't trust me and I don't think it will help anyway.
Can you organise a dr to do a video chat? Or even telehealth? Get her comfortable with the dr that way first
I feel for you both so much, depression is a tricky beast
Maybe the school counsellor
Can guide you to the next step
Yes she definitely needs help asap
Sounds extremely concerning
You are helping her that's great
She feels somewhat comfortable with you
Don't give up momma
She doesn’t have to speak to a gp to get a mental health plan. You just go, make a double appointment - they don’t want to do all the paperwork in a single and will make any excuse why not to, so book a double for only that reason. Don’t even take her, just tell the gp you need a mental health plan for these reasons and list the ways she is impacted as you have above. Then book the psych and you may not need to take her to that for the first visit either.
She can call kids helpline for a chat about things.
You need to treat her like a person with depression. So night times are self care time. Gently gently, but getting outside in the sun is good, exercise is good, a nightly walk, a warm bath or shower, fresh pjs and sheets, warm milk, reading.
Take the stress off, take the extra pressure off anywhere you can for now. seeing friends is important (and they seem to get more out of it when it’s out of school time) and sleeping is important and all of those things help you feel more tired and ready to sleep too. Help her through the bedtime routine, try a meditation to help slow her mind down.
When she’s calm ask her about school, what are the good parts. Remind her of those in the mornings. It’s not all bad.
Also ask her what are the worst parts and show her that we can tackle those and things can change.
Offer to email the teacher and let her know that she doesn’t like to be called out in front of the class. And do it, and let her know that the teacher understands now and that won’t happen - you fixed a problem. Remember these minds see things very rigidly, as if it’s all very terrible and all very permanent. Model and remind that it’s not. You have to find and remind of the good things.
I think you should also email the teacher to let them know you’ve noticed your child suffering, let them know you’re getting a mental health plan and you’d appreciate any help they can offer or to let you know anything they see at school. Open up communication and she’ll get more support and understanding.
I work at a high school and it will definitely help speaking to the school about it. They can assist her by putting a mental health plan in place to help her avoid certain situations like being called on in to participate in class (eg reading out loud or classroom discussions), sitting in the back of the room, having a teacher aide assist her with group work etc, issuing time outs for her to collect herself (going for a toilet break or drink). Usually this is done with a gp or mental health referral, but since it’s proving difficult it they might just do it anyway.
Would she like an online pal from New Zealand? My daughter is 11, tall for her age and size 12B in the bust and wearing a proper bra. She’s in her last year of Primary School (Year 6) If you think it might help would be happy to connect. All the best, this one pulls at the heart strings because of the age and stage.
Does the school have a councillor or social worker? Might be worth checking in with them. They will know some specific resources aimed at 11 year olds in your state.
There is also kids helpline if she wants to try talking to someone in the safety of her room. You could also find another female doctor that isn’t in your area and ask if she can do an online appointment so your daughter am be in the safety of her home.
11 is such a hard age with all the hormone.