So my partner doesn't have a great relationship with our child. He was great when they were born, but slowly as the years have gone by, he has become worse and worse as a father.
He barely talks to them, never shows any interest in their schooling or sport or anything at all really. Always telling them what a waste of time it is to play sport as they are no good, that they are fat and lazy. They never have any one on one time. The one thing he does do is tell them off. Yesterday for example he came in after work and picked at everything he could, yelled at us both then ignored us for the night. He called us both lazy c*$ts for watching tv (i had been up with our child most of the night as they are sick, and then worked all day, so we werent going to be out running marathons). Today is my birthday, and he left for work without one word.
We both work fulltime but I am lucky enough to be able to do this from home. As such, he thinks I should do everything around the house too, including everything for our child.
I dont really know what I am asking, maybe if there is a chance this could effect her when she is older, only having negative things always coming from her dad?
He wasn't brought up with a lot of love so I am not sure how to change this. He used to be so much better! I dont want her growing up thinking that this is ok. Your dad should be someone you can look up to, who always has you back, not someone who treats you like crap. I had the best parents growing up and I feel horrible her parent isn't as good as what I had!
Partner being crappy father
Partner being crappy father
Posted in:
Relationships & Marriage, Behaviour, Kids
25 Replies
I grew up with an emotionally unavailable parent.
Not only will this affect your child later in life, it will be affecting her NOW.
It really crushes a child's self esteem when someone who is supposed to love them unconditionally actually treats them with this kind of contempt and apathy.
Changes need to be made now.
Thanks, I appreciate your answer
Is he depressed? Does he hate his job? Is he unhealthy?
If he used to be better but he is now a shell of the person he used to be, there must be something more going on.
Family, couples and individual therapy will most likely be very helpful. Getting him to acknowledge there are problems in the family dynamic might be harder.
Finally, when was the last time you had time away as a family?
I think he has always had mental health issues from childhood but he won't acknowledge this or get help. Therapy is a definite no, he won't even consider it. We barely do anything as a family, he is not interested in anything we want to do unless it is something for him eg going to watch his rugby game. He doesn't like movies, camping, mini golf, picnics, playgrounds, games etc so he won't do them, even to make our child happy
Is there a possibility he has autism? He sounds very rigid with his interests, likes and dislikes.
I dont think so, just has no interest in doing anything If it's not for him or that has decided on
There are all different kinds of personalities and parenting styles, just because he's not the TV sitcom Dad doesn't mean he's a bad parent. That's a bit rough. My kids Dad didn't even invite them to his wedding or tell them they have new siblings. I wish that was all but there's a huge list of things he has done. He is a bad father. His parents are very supportive of him and were great parents growing up and through his adulthood. My own Mum is an absent parent but her parents were great through her whole life. I don't speak to my Dad and haven't for years. I have made every effort to not be like my parents and I think I've done ok. Point of my story is that having 'good' parents doesn't mean you are going to be a good parent. Having 'bad' parents doesn't mean you're going to be a bad parent. If anything it shows you how to be a good one because you don't want to make the same mistakes. Instead of calling him a bad dad, talk to him about what his issues are. Is there behaviour issues? Is your child getting away with a lot being an only child? Are you trying to be more of a friend to your child so when your husband is acting like a parent you're getting defensive and seeing him as "mean" and not "having your child's back"? Have a talk to him and see.
That's what I though, having a not so great child hood would have made him want to do better, but it doesn't.
Is there a parenting style that involves living in the same house but not talking to your child or being interested in them and their life in any way? I don't see how this type or parenting can be seen as good or healthy for either party.
If he did some of the other parenting I would not have an issue with him disciplining them when they need it, but he doesn't. I can't imagine how hard it is for our child to only hear negatives coming out of his mouth (calling them a c*$t, saying that playing sport is a waste of time as they are no good etc). There needs to be a balance. And no, no behavior issues at all.
So not only is he absent, hes also abusive. Have younthoight about whether you want to continue the relationship?
Yep that is definitely top of my mind at the moment! Just trying to look for advice before I make that decision. Our child cannot grow up being treated like that. I want them to have a good relationship but you can't make someone be a good parent.
Calling them a cunt and putting them down is emotional abuse, you didn't mention that in your post and it changes it.
I have edited my post now
He's literally calling her fat, lazy and a c*nt!
Before you had your child, what did you do together?
We would go visiting friends, go bowling, play mini golf, watch movies etc. He is not interested in any of that anymore, with me or as a family. He would be happy to sit on his phone all weekend and not do anything if we don't go visiting
You can’t change someone. He is verbally abusive, to you and your kids. He is negative, tears them down, name calls and swears, and is derogatory. They probably have anxiety about laying around/resting, trying, doing their hobby, and probably just ‘being’.
By keeping them in that household the way I see it you are not showing them that there are alternatives ( you’re not showing them what a nice, calm, positive house and positive relationships is). It’s really harming I think you need to really think on this beyond ‘how to change him’ start thinking what next, in a time frame, if he hasn’t changed or if his efforts aren’t enough?
Is he on drugs? Just wondering because you say he didn't used to be like this...
Anyway regardless of they why factors, he IS like this NOW and i think the best thing to do would be to take your child out of that enviroment and raise them in a postive happy home and of thats just with you, then that is 1000x better than walking on egg shells every day and dreading the time dad gets home.
He used to be on drugs but not anymore... thanks I think that is where I am heading!
He used to be on drugs but not anymore... thanks I think that is where I am heading!
He used to be on drugs but not anymore... thanks I think that is where I am heading!
Just be mindful he may be hiding his addiction. All the best to you and your child. Amazing you reached out for advice. Be strong. You deserve better.
Thank you!
He is setting the example for the standard of men and what to expect from men. If he is treating her badly she will grow up thinking men show love by treating her badly.
You’re also modelling this behaviour by letting him treat both of you like this. If he is not willing to change then you need to change the circumstances and the environment you are exposing your daughter to. Men don’t show love through abuse she should not have to put up with this and think it is the norm.
Yes this will definitely affect them.
My father was exactly like this and we had wished my mum would have left so many times, but she was 'in love' with him.
After every one of my fathers episodes he would start crying and saying he loved mum and all his children. Never once said he was sorry though. My father used emotional manipulation on all of us but mainly on our mum, so we would feel bad.
He would go days giving silent treatment and stomping around the house, slaming doors. With the rest of us walking on eggshells. It was absolutely horrible.
It will get worse and he will become even more abusive and it will more than likely one or both of you will be physically abused.
Please start keeping a diary of all incidents with dates and times and start making a plan to leave. Both you and your child/ren deserve to be happy and most importantly safe. Please leave him.
My mum stayed, no matter what she wouldn't leave. Every year on their wedding anniversary she post on Facebook about her wonderful life with her loving husband and it makes me want to throw up. This year was 36 years and he isn't as bad but will still swear at her and give her the silent treatment when something isn't up to his standards. We all still see our father but that is only for our mum's benefit.
Please don't let this be your life, still miserable and wasting your happiness, years on down the track
Is this the type of man you would want your daughter to marry? Seeing that you allow him to treat you and her like this drastically increases the chance of her going through a cycle of abusive partners. If that’s not what you want for her then he has to change dramatically or you need to leave. Reading this back I am not meaning to be so terribly harsh but it did trigger something inside of me - my whole body is screaming for you to RUN and to get her out. I hope you both find some peace and happiness. Good luck.