My daughter (27) has a number of mental and physical health issues, that she has and continues to manage with medication and treatment. She is also on the wait list to be assessed for ADHD. Her son (5) will start the local school next year and currently goes to daycare 3 days a week and I have him the other 2 days, now that she is working.
She has begun a new job, after being out of work because of covid and her health diagnoses. Up until a few months ago, we all lived together, she has stayed on at that rental, while we moved to our own, to give her independence. We have been helping financially and practically with the upkeep of the property, as it is difficult as a sole parent on centrelink to afford or be considered for rentals, especially at the moment. My issue and concern is that she is struggling to maintain a clean and healthy house. Her son is left to just leave toys, activities and clothes everywhere. There is laundry and dishes everwhere, and the floor is always cover is something! We have offered to help, but everything we say or do is twisted to be a dig or disrespectful. Although we feel that our support is not being appreciated or respected, especially when we see all the things we have given them being ruined and that she does not appear to understand how lucky she is to have a roof over her head. I don’t know if she is embarrassed or actually delusional about how bad it is and how much help she needs. It actually overwhelms both my husband and I, that we don't like to enter the property.
My dilemma is how far do I push the need for her to either step up or ask and accept help or let it go and let her face the consequences? I'm so scared that if she doesn't do something about the state of the place, she is going to lose the rental and find herself homeless with our grandson. We're unfortunately not in the position to take them in for any real time.
If it was just her, it would be one thing, but I can't risk my grandson's safety. I feel we have done everything to help keep them in a stable situation, but where do we draw the line?
Where do we draw the line?
Where do we draw the line?
Posted in:
Mental Health, Parenthood Guilt
4 Replies
If she's dealing with significant mental and physical health issues and is suspected to have ADHD AND has just gone back to work; you have to put yourself in the shoes of someone with limited capacity to handle everything that's required to maintain a house and yard.
Speaking as someone with ADHD, cleaning and maintaining a house is something that a lot of us struggle with. I will go to unpack the dishwasher, for instance, and along the way end up getting distracted by a number of different things because my brain doesn't have the capacity to sort priorities out - everything feels equally urgent and overwhelming. Personally before I was medicated properly and even now, especially after a long day at work and parenting, the ability to clean, tidy and do laundry was just not there. And I'm not physically unwell or limited - I couldn't imagine how much harder it would be if I were chronically ill on top of everything.
If she's taking your input about this as criticism or "having a go" then she's likely feeling shame about not being able to get it done. Many ADHDers have spent their whole lives being told they're not trying hard enough, that they're lazy, that they're daydreamers etc. There's probably a lot of negative self-talk she's giving herself. It's likely that she knows exactly what she needs to do but just *can't*.
So what do you do? Can you help by hiring a cleaner for once every few weeks? Get someone in to help declutter and make it easier for the place to stay tidy? Do any of her conditions make her eligible for NDIS assistance? She could get a support worker who can come and assist? Help her empower herself to get on top of it. Stop thinking she WON'T do it, and start thinking of it in terms of she CAN'T do it and needs support.
Overwhelmed, possibly adhd single mum here too, i second, if you could afford it, hire a cleaner.
You probably only need 2 hours per fortnight to stay on top of it.
She has so much going on, a new job alone sends me into a tail spin, let alone all the other stuff.
The thing that has helped me the most is not having much stuff.
Help her declutter, honestly, if you don't have the stuff, you can't make the mess.
When its easy to keep tidy, it isn't so overwhelming and its much more manageable.
I wish her well on her journey to diagnosis x
Perhaps instead of constantly being on about it, set one day a week where you go over and do a tidy up and reset for the week ahead. It’s a good routine to get into. Maybe a whiteboard of things she wants done, and you can make the calls and arrange the people to get the unmanageable chores sorted. Slowly slowly she might catch on and become less lost and more invested.
And make sure the other days you check in and don’t mention it. Tend to self care and connection on those days. Have tea, cake, chat, take him out for maccas, let her have a bath or come to yours for a cooked dinner.
Just pop around and help her without realising. She has mental health issues and would be struggling just to get out of bed. It’s great that she’s working. Maybe a cleaner once a week. Explain to her that she is amazing but working and having a child can get over w helming and maybe gift her a cleaner for a few hours a week to help keep on top of it. Put it nicely and say you see how much she does and it’s your gift to help her out because working mums are so busy.