Ok, so here goes! Sorry for the long post ðŸ¤
So I have a 30yr old brother (same Dad, diff Mum) that won't grow up! He has 2 babies (2 & 1) & we thought that when they came along that he may grow up but he hasn't. He has a beautiful partner who has had enough. She loves him & he is a great father & works very hard to provide for the family but is at the end of her tether with his behaviour. He will drink & possibly do d##gs with mates on the weekend, tell her he will be home at a certain time & never is, sometimes not even go home till the next day/arvo. I have had a chat to him about it & from what I get out of it is the whole world owes him something & doesn't take responsibility for his behaviour. Our Dad was in & out of the picture all his life & when I've spoken to him after he has had a few drinks, he will always say that his mates Dads are more like a father figure to him than our Dad & drag him thru the dirt the whole conversation. Im on his side 100% & totally understand where he is coming from but my point is, I think this is affecting him mentally & he uses d##gs & alcohol to numb that pain.. I have had a chat to a couple of his good mates who have said they have tried to help him but gets nowhere & they say he talks alot about our Dad being a "shit father" too..
Now my question is, where do I begin to get him help before he loses his family? His partner now has medical issues she's dealing with due to the stress of it all, on top of trying to be a good mum, work 3 days a week & maintain a household.
Any advice would be great on where to start.
Thanks 😊
Childish Brother
Childish Brother
Posted in:
Behaviour
10 Replies
My neighbour is like this, everytime he drinks he goes on about his childhood and how bad it was for him and that his ex won't let him see their son but it's his drinking that has put him in that position and he's just done a full circle. I used to feel bad for him and be someone he could talk to but it's just so hard to listen to that all the time when they make no effort to change. His mum got him into rehab and as soon as he got out he went to the bottleshop! I've come to the point where it's too much to take on, I love helping people but if their way of "improving" is to vent then go and do it all again then no I can't help. I think you need to tell your brother that his kids are going to grow up one day and will they be doing what he's doing, telling everyone what a crap Dad they have or will they be able to say my Dad's awesome he's always been there? He needs to shift his thinking from "what happened to me" to "what's happening to my kids" and that's what we all need to do. Some people learn from traumatic childhoods and become brilliant parents and others just follow the cycle.
She needs to kick him out and you need to stay close to her and support her. He is a grown ass man who needs to wake up to himself else and the only way to do that is the hard way. He chose this and look how it’s affected her and his kids. Childhood is no excuse. The poor me attitude. There is right help for that. He is now creating mental issues for her and the kids. Time to get tough and kick him out and hopefully he changes for the good, if not they are better off without him.
Yes this. If the children haven’t made him look at them and decide to act right in order to treat them right then nothing you say is going to make him. Experience of losing the family life he’s taking for granted may kick his butt to sort himself out. Maybe not. But no one except him and can do it. I would support her and bask in the glory of those sweet children in his face. And I definitely would not be doing his parenting for him on his time. Any time he whinges turn it back to his choices.
This is not your responsibility to fix. It's your brother's responsibility. Sounds like he's been through a lot, which is sad. But he won't get help if he doesn't want to.
You can point him toward services that can help (he needs therapy and support, whether that's rehab, psychology or counselling etc) and you can support his partner to get him out of the house if necessary.
The main priority is keeping his kids and partner safe and their lives manageable. If he's got to leave for that to happen, then that's what he has to do. Some people wake up to themselves when they lose a relationship like this.
I'd be telling him very bluntly that he is now being exactly the same shit father that he's always whining about.
Any idiot can work hard hard & throw money at a situation, that's not parenting. Parenting is being there, in the house, with the kids, day in and day out (with an occasional pass to go blow off steam, if that's agreed upon in the marriage).
He is choosing to be an absent father every weekend & values booze & drugs over his kids.
It probably won't make any difference, but it's time to stop pussyfooting around now.
It's sad that his childhood was so shit, but he's the grown up and now there's children suffering because of it, and those babies have to come first.
Agreed. He's clearly not a good father himself. He can repeat the pattern or break the cycle.... his choice.
I came here to say this too. He’s being the same father to his children that he had. He had a choice too. He doesn’t have to do this on the weekends - he chooses too. We live in a time where there is so much help available! He could be spending that money on therapy for himself but instead he chooses to P!ss it up the wall. My brother was like this, for years and years. He finally sought help at the age of 40 and is doing much better. Luckily his children are very small. They were the reason why he sought help. He won’t change unless he wants to unfortunately. However I don’t think his wife needs to stay while he discovers this. Especially now that it’s affecting her health.
This is my husbands brother 100%
They had a pretty crappy upbringing with an abusive alcoholic father and their mum was checked out most the time. My husband left home and went way away when he was 14 but his brother (who is older) stayed home and sunk into drugs and drinking.
He’s now in his mid 40s, both parents are dead and he just goes on and on about his awful upbringing and how hard done by he is. He speaks atrociously about his wife, about how lazy she is and a bad mother because the kids misbehave a lot. But she spoils them rotten, only because she’s so worn down by them and him it’s just easier for her to give in to them all the time
We’ve told him a gazillion times that he’s a shit father and husband just like his own father (I can’t stand either of them, arrogant abusive pigs) but he says he’s never been taught how to be a good dad or husband so he can’t help it. We’ve told her a gazillion times she deserves better and so do the kids and defend and back her as much as we can (we live 1500km away).
But neither of them want to help themselves. So we just offer to have the kids on some holidays to try and instill some respect, boundaries and love for them. And thus the cycle continues
Can you call the police or child services to do welfare check on his wife and kids. Maybe having someone other than family checking on them will give him the kick to get help or will help her to realise there is more help for her and she can hopefully leave with the kids, even if just for a little while
He hasn't hit rock bottom yet, for him to want to get help and change. That likely won't happen until his partner and the kids leave.
He doesn't see that his behaviour is mirroring your father's yet. But his kids are going to be feeling the same way he was/is very soon.
There is really nothing you can do but be there for his partner and kids.
I would still support him but they need it more right now