My 10 year old son struggles socially at school but mostly at lunchtimes. He completely loses control when conflict arises, situations where they are all rough playing, and especially if he’s teased (and he could be teasing too!). He says it’s easier not to have friends or play because of this. He plays team sport, does martial arts, has a good friend out of school. All of these things he is focussed and completely different to what’s going on at school.
I suppose I need some similar stories, advice on what to do, anything to help him because he has just been suspended for fighting! I’m a bit lost.
My son is struggling.
My son is struggling.
Posted in:
Mental Health, Anxiety & Depression, Parenthood Guilt, Behaviour, Kids
5 Replies
Take him to a child psychologist to help him understand these feelings and get to the bottom of it. There is always a reason that you not even think of.
Sounds to me like he’s a kid who needs an adult to control/structure/ enforce rules etc and the minute that’s gone and it’s ‘free play’ he lacks the social skills and it all goes to shit for him very quickly. Has the school suggested social skills? Supported play? Monitored play - there are a good handful of kids at each school like this, and this is why there are craft groups and teacher led soccer and calm down rooms and other things happening at each playtime. I’d make it part of his reentry agreement that he spends his playtime under a teacher led activity.
I'm curious if he has always struggled socially at school or has this sort of become a more apparent issue recently?
I only ask because I have 3 teenagers and I really noticed in hindsight that around that grade 4 to 5 mark, this very subtle bullying culture/herd mentality developed within my kids' peer groups at school.
My son actually had some similar difficulties to your son when the rough housing went a little far or if some kind of conflict arose, the only difference being that he would just completely withdraw emotionally. I got a lot of advice to work on his resilience etc because he was "a gentle boy" but after a while I realised that there was a bigger problem at play.
My friend actually moved her son from our school for reasons like this too. Her son was getting into fights and perhaps not managing these situations well but he was being targeted and deliberately being antagonised and ostracised. Which rhe school couldn't (or refused) to see.
The other posters have made some excellent points and I would 100 percent take them on board, just maybe dig a little deeper into your schools overall culture in the upper grades and maybe even consider if a fresh start elsewhere would be beneficial for your son.
This all started in year 2 and escalated in year 3 as he was bullied and picked on for having quick reactions. Some good but mostly bad reactions to full on situations. The whole thing was so terrible but we could do nothing as the child continually on him was the son of a high up leader in the school.
So, This is a new school, bigger and lots of different groups of kids. He is drawn to the sporty, active groups and this is where he seemed happy. For a while. Things went south quickly as some of these kids realised his reactions and started targeting him. He never looks for the conflict but certainly finds himself in it and hasn’t got the strength to walk away.
He’s booked into a paediatrician and child psychologist and we will go from there but there is certainly a lot of damage to undo from his past experiences. Thank you for your story. I realise I’m not alone in this journey with him. I just need to look for help.
Please do not listen to all these people throwing a diagnosis at your child! We have ADHD for example, massively overdiagnosed. This is obviously situational and you've already explained not across environments which is what we would look for to diagnose. The school needs to address the issue with all involved as every child has their limits, especially at that age. These kids are playing rough and of course your son is going to retaliate. You can teach him all the skills around self regulation you like but I've found the answer often lies in the school intervening and being strict around bullying/teasing. The current environment is not conductive for change. A Psychologist (external) for your son or someone to advocate on his behalf would be a possible help. Take care