I feel like I'm losing my son
My 22 y/o son who lives with me seems to be struggling with mental health issues, he's lacking motivation, direction, purpose and after trying for so long I'm just at a loss as to how I can encourage him to find his purpose and to act on it.
His father and I divorced a year ago, it was a civil separation (he cheated on me), but they rarely spend time together; there's never really been much male bonding between them; in fact I've played the mother and father role for years. He has a lot of friends but mostly interacts with them online. He has irregular sleep patterns due to gaming all hours of day and night. He seems to interact well online, very knowledgable on a range of topics, doesn't seem to have any issues with socialising online... but is quite recluse and internalises his emotions otherwise.
He was an elite athlete in high school, but since finishing school just seems to live day by day aimlessly, not motivated or inspired to even find a job, he doesn't know what he wants to do (hasn't got much need for money, ie is happy to go without and in fact hasn't even had a proper paying job). When he does find a job or course that interests him, he soon talks himself out of it using one reason or another.
He will spend all day in his room either on his computer or sleeping. I struggle getting him to do house chores when I need him to do them; he will eventually do it when he chooses to.
I've sent him job leads that I find in my facebook groups, links to courses (uni and tafe)... nothing seems to ignite an interest.
We've started going to gym together regularly, sometimes we have meaningful conversations (short ones), but nothing else works... he just shuts down if he's not willing to talk about things.
I'm aware that I sound like I'm enabling him, but apart from providing a roof over his head he doesn't really ask me for anything, and I'm not the kind of mum to tell my kids to move out.
I'm afraid of losing the connection with him, but I really don't know what else to do. I wish I knew someone who could take him under his wing, someone he could confide in, inspire him, motivate him to get living...
Advice is much appreciated
6 Replies
Have you tried head space?
He had a couple of sessions with Head Space in one of his high school years, and also with a private Psych once or twice since then. After a couple of meets he thinks he knows what his problem is and says he doesn't need to go anymore, and also he doesn't bother doing the exercises they set him. Thank you for the suggestion though.
I think you probably need to worry about his mental health. Sending links to jobs and courses aren’t going to fix what’s going on.
You’ve kind of described me at that age, without the gaming. I hugely struggled with post high school. I was just LOST! I didn’t know what I wanted to do, and I was depressed.
Keep going to the gym with him, hopefully that transitions into some routine and exercise helps with mental health.
You can gently suggest/ask if he’d like to speak to someone. It’s ok to ask if he has plans and let him know that he can’t do what he is doing now forever.
But I’d probably suggest sport, getting around other guys who are doing things might help.
I did gain traction and did eventually get a lvl1 asd diagnosis. The structure of schools really helped me mask socially etc and out of that ‘formal’ setting I couldn’t. Escaping online is quite common. We don’t have to read social queues as much:
I constantly worry about his mental health. Since he joined gym with me he's been looking at doing the PT course Cert IV, he already has Cert III, as well as a diploma in business that he did in his senior years in high school. He'll research course providers but just cant quite commit and sign up.. that alone seems to send him into withdrawal.
I have asked him if he'd like to see a counsellor to help him decide on career/course but he says he'll work it out.
I'd ask him about once a week what his plans are for that week re job, course, social interaction, anything... and even then I'm afraid I'm pushing him too much. He just disengages from the conversation. I might look into lvl 1 asd diagnosis though, thank you, I'm glad to hear you found a way to deal... hope he does too.
Keep encouraging him and get him back into a psychologist. Maybe pay for some Pt sessions for his bday or something at the gym to inspire him to keep going. I would say Gaming and lack of sleep is his biggest depressant here. He needs to cut free from gaming and get his life back. Def back to the psych and speak to him about anti depressants. Good job Mumma for reaching out and supporting him.
unplug the internet. You are keeping him like a 10yr old kid. If he has no diagnosed issues then make him grow up.
Stop paying for his mobile phone, don't buy clothes. If he doesn't have these things get him a TFN, make sure he has bank accounts. Then tell him rent is due on fridays, and will accumulate from day x onwards.
You won't loose connection, however you are creating a shocking dependency issue, along with not setting him up for life. Your son doesn't need to know what he wants to do, but he needs to contribute to the home he lives in and to society. Time for some though love.
He will be upset short term as you are finally challenging him but it will be for thr good if a healthy young adult and a better long term relationship. This has less to do with male role models and more to do with getting involved in life.