I feel mislead- when my husband and I were dating he was so much fun, romantic, spicy, exciting, intriguing, thoughtful, etc. he went above and beyond for everything and made me feel like a million bucks.
I never in my life felt so adored.
Flash forward to now, and he is nowhere near what he was. He said he would plan our 2nd anniversary and didn't. I am beyond bummed, it's just the cherry on top. I don't expect much, but it sucks to reminisce on what he used to do and be like to now. We hardly have any fun I feel, and we barely go out plus when we do go out it's not even fun. He's 8 years older (31) and I feel like he's at the point in life where he's fully ready to settle down whereas I'm not. We have plenty of support from family that is more than happy to watch our child whenever we ask. He just doesn't want to, that's my frustration. It's only our 2nd year of marriage which makes me scared. I'm very disappointed this isn't what I wanted from a marriage.
What would you do? Does it get better? Is there hope? Am I being silly/immature?
I want to be in a happy, love-filled marriage and I would prefer to have that in the one I'm in now.
Marriage is so frustrating):
Marriage is so frustrating):
Posted in:
Life Lessons, Relationships & Marriage, Mental Health, Health & Wellbeing, Behaviour
15 Replies
He played the chase. The catch is over now that he has you. This is very common it's not just you. They settle , and forget to still catch and chase every day . That's a whole Job in itself. It's not called the honeymoon period for nothing . As my husband once said to me 'well I've got you now I did what I set out to do'.
The key is to keep what you got. Goes both ways, includes women too.
Does it get better? I feel very unhappy. Not to the point I want to leave, but I really don't want to go through life like this. I've communicated to him time and time again, but it never seems to get better.
Sometimes this is where a marriage counsellor can really help. They tell it clearer, that marriage is ongoing work and doing what it takes to make the other happy. It’s more positive and inspiring and they get it when someone like that says it.
Maybe this is less about your marriage and more about the fact you have a child? Is your child young? Is he tired?
Communication is key - sit down and ask what life makes him happy, is he happy now? Or drained? Or stressed?
What would his perfect lifestyle be? Then explain yours. To make each other happy, meeting somewhere in the middle might be a date night once a fortnight where you go out, dinner date nights at home the opposite fortnight, and you going out with your friends every so often.
Thank you for the feedback. I like the idea of meeting in the middle.
Early on to us becoming parents we were doing a date night once a fortnight, and we were much closer. He just became a police officer and I believe it's been very taxing on him.
Becoming a police officer is very taxing. Shiftwork is the worst.
He sees things every day that he can't tell you about because it just blows a civillian's mind.
His mental health may suffer.
You deal with people ALL DAY EVERY DAY and the last thing you want to do in your downtime is look at / talk to / deal with more strangers. Times that by 1000 for drunk people.
Some random in a pub overhears "police officer" and immediately comes over to tell you about the time police did fuck all when their unlocked car got broken into or their sister didn't pay them back the $20 she borrowed.
Or some major pisshead wants to hug you and tell you all about how much they respect all police even though they keep getting locked up for no reason and one copper belted them for doing nothing.
It's a completely different world and it just makes you hate people upfront.
Also, 8 years is a big age gap when you're 23yo and still in party mode. He's been there, done that, and now he's 30 it takes him 3 days to get over a hangover.
My honest opinion is that you should just go out with your friends by yourself if you want to party, and maybe try different things for date night with him, like restaurants & movies, bowling, BBQs with friends, whatever. Stuff that doesn't involve drunk people.
I completely understand that I do not have a clue how draining his job is. I try to be considerate and I believe for the most part I am. The type of “going out” I'm explaining isn't necessarily to bars, and clubs, but more so like to a fancy restaurant and a movie after. Nothing over the top at all. I do go out clubbing with my girlfriends every 2 months or so. And I did get a part time job bartending at a club to help satisfy my desire to "go-out". However it does make me a little envious to always see cute couples in bars and clubs and know that isn't ever in my cards. Like I don't want to be in a boring marriage and I feel like I am.
You have every right to feel this way. Just because he has a new job, it doesn’t mean anything. This is just the begging for you. It shouldn’t be like this at the start. If you feel like this now, I gaurantee in 5 years, you won’t be together if this keeps going. Talk to him about it. Book dinner in somewhere and a nice night away. I completely understand what you are saying. Myself and many friends are in this same position but after 5-10 years of marriage. Maybe he is ready to have kids and settle. Have you spoken about that.?
Totally hearing you. If it’s this boring now, it won’t last. He needs to understand how important it is too. It takes 2 and it’s hard work to keep it alive but you can do it, it you have open communication and willing to both try all the time.
You work in a club because you miss partying?
I'll probably get shot down for this, but do you feel you were ready to have kids/get married?
I'm not saying you can't go out when you're a mum/wife, but getting a job in a club is pretty extreme.
Could it be that you resent your life in general and are transferring that onto him?
(Op) yes, I do have a little resentment as I am a bit jealous that he had the time to enjoy his 20’s and I did not. Are my feelings valid? No. I understand that I’m not a victim, and that we both did the deed to get pregnant. I found me getting a job at the club as a way to meet both our needs. I didn’t want to pressure him to go out if that wasn’t what he wanted to do, but nor do I want to be home every weekend.
I think it’s brilliant you know what you need and have found a responsible way to get it, you even make money. Of course your feelings are valid. Pushing them down won’t fix anything. It does sound like a mismatch though - I know I wouldn’t have the energy to go to a club and work with drunk people on a regular basis now that I have kids. But don’t let people like me make you think that makes it wrong for you. But are you oppositional to the idea of being a housewife and staying home with your family? Do you have the balance with that? Is that something you can work on? And adding in a few nights out with him, could you be happy or are you completely resenting being in your situation?
I think it's a you problem, rather than a him problem.
You've ended up settling down, getting married/having kids, before you were ready.
I don't know what the solution is...
Nope it doesn’t get better , if anything it gets worse. You both really have to work at it. You need to start making plans to go out on your own with friends and enjoy yourself. Hopefully that will make him think but he sounds like he just wants to chill. My husband is like that , we are 14 years down and he’s very boring 😩 def was better our first 5 years but then gets worse as we get older.
a sounds like a few things at play, you are very young and I can see why you don't want to be at home all the time. That said, you have a child, assuming a home (rent or mortgage) So loads more bills than pre marriage. Has his career taking a step up and requires more from him? Marriage is different from dating but that doesn't mean you can't have fun. I think you need to compromise, fun doesn't need to be bars and flash restaurants, can't you go on a picnic with the family? I do feel there is a shift with kids and it's the balance between missing the old life and creating a new in with kids included. We do family funday sunday, every week. We as a family do something with everyone, beach , zoo, park, ice cream somewhere new what ever. Then date night a couple of times a month. You have to both want that. sounds like you are both stuck in your positions and not finding a middle ground. Good luck.