Good morning IM’s,
This is my first time posting so please bear with me, I also apologise for such a long read.
My partner and I have 2 sons, 10 (almost 11) years & 9 years. My 10 year old has recently approached myself privately and said that he feels sad sometimes, sometimes more than he feels happy. Since covid arrived years ago he has developed some compulsions around hand washing and germs etc, and develops a lot of health anxiety. He did develop a bit of a Tic last year, it sounded like he was constantly clearing his throat and it would cease at night. We helped this by encouraging him to have a sip of water or distract himself somewhat when he felt the need to do it, which worked and he stopped after a few weeks. Then After actually catching covid at the start of the year and recovering, he was worried about chest pains for a few weeks, we visited doctors who said everything was fine, the worry of chest pain disappeared when a few months ago he became unwell with a vomiting bug and since then every morning he complains of a sick feeling in his belly and gets so upset and worried that he’s caught the bug again. Again, we have visited our doctor who has ruled out anything sinister and has put it down to anxiety which I am believing that’s what it is. He is a healthy young boy, has good friends and plays sport, he is such a beautiful caring soul who would help everyone out, he and his brother get along well with the usual bickering that comes with siblings, and we have a good home life that I can think of.
My partner and I both work hard in managing positions, I only work 4 days a week to keep on top of the house work and home work and spend time with our boys, I am considering stepping down from my position to limit stressors so that I can solely focus on supporting our boys emotionally and spiritually. But I can’t help but feel I am failing my boys. We were quite young when we started our family, I was 17 & partner 18, we have moved away from family and built a very good life for ourselves, whilst visiting our families as often as we can. But I’m feeling guilty that maybe we made the wrong choice to move away, or maybe we aren’t equiped to support our children the way they need to be.
We have discussed visiting our doctor to seek therapy for our 10year old, which he is also comfortable with as he is tired of worrying all the time.
I feel like (I hope to god) I’m doing all the right things and I am also very empathetic and caring, both of our boys know that they are loved so very much, but I just feel terrible and want our beautiful boy to feel happy again.
I’m not sure what I’m looking for, advice, tips and reassurance would be wonderful, this is also the first time I have spoken about this with anyone outside of immediate family, I just felt that I needed to speak it to other mums who may be in the same position. ❤️❤️
ETA: both our children play video games with friends, if we let them they would be on there all day and all night. We think they spend too much time on there and have limited their time to 1 hour week nights after homework and give or take a few extra hours over the weekend if we aren’t busy. So I think this is probably contributing to some of his anxiety, particularly when he and his friends get frustrated throughout the game and ‘rage’ as they call it.
5 Replies
Firstly, you are doing all the right things. Getting your son someone to talk to is a great step and re-evaluating work/life balance. My child developed anxiety from Covid as well and I am gradually exposing her to situations she can cope with to reduce her anxiety around germs. Really important to not let him start to hide away due to his anxiety. Yes anxiety can cause nausea etc. but I would suggest a good probiotic as well to work on gut health as my other daughter has a condition where if she is exposed to a virus it expresses itself as stomach pains and these can linger. Specialist had a name for it but I cannot remember it. Talk to him about being exposed to bacteria everywhere and that we cannot avoid it. Also there is good bacteria as well. Speak about how our immune system is such a wonderful thing and we need to build it up and keep it healthy. So our focus is not on avoiding germs but on being healthy so our immune system can do its job ;)
Please know that you are doing a great job! I read this and hear your son in you. You are anxious and worried. He needs your support, but it's not because you have done anything wrong. Just as he is anxious over things that are outside of his control. You may both benefit from some counselling on dealing with anxiety and building resilience. Calming techniques, etc. You've got this mumma x
You can do some reading online to get you started on skills to help him. Learn about what anxiety does to the body, and brain - the physiological reaction. And you can learn different strategies that can help it or bring the responses down once they come up. Breathing is a huge one, if you read about how it works, it’s the most important skill, learning how to breathe can switch off that fight or flight response. There is so much to read just from google. Steve Biddulph is another great resource.
My son is like this and I got him to a child psychologist. Get a care plan and referral For a child psych and you will get on the right track. This is his personally and make up, it’s for life so he needs the support going forward now how to understand and use coping strategies. It’s awful. When my son gets stomach aches or feels sick and anxious with anxiety, I sit with him and get Hii ti focus on some things he can see around him. He does his breathing techniques and puts his focus elsewhere. I also point out to him all the things he was anxious about and show him how they didn’t happen, so he can see it was all worrying sick for nothing. It all takes time. One step at a time
Also good job Mumma 🥰 it’s very hard to see our babies like this. Good for you for reaching out and doing all you can tell help your little boy. With an amazing mumma by his side, you have both got this 💪🏼