My boyfriend of 2 1/2 years isn't making me feel very loved or attractive.
We've dealt with a LOT over the past year. We've broken up 5 times due to him having issues with alcohol and drama with his ex as well as work/ kids stress. We don't live together, both have kids, and our alone time is limited. The alone time we get I usually have to push for.
He keeps coming back to me and we keep trying to make things work. The last time we were determined to make a go of it and wipe the slate clean but I feel like I'm the only one that makes any effort.
I've planned a few romantic dates but he doesn't ever come on to me any more. Its always me that instigates. We've always had differences in communication. I need loving texts and reassurance and have told him as much very clearly but still he doesn't seem able to give me what i desire. I'm trying to accept that this is who he is and that he loves me. Any time We've broken up he does all the things I need him to do but as soon as he gets me back he stops.
In the past week twice I've gone to kiss him and he told me my mouth tastes disgusting and has had a look of disgust on his face. This has really hurt and dented my confidence. The other night we had a date night and he didn't seem overly keen or enthusiastic at my date choice. When we got home I came on to him and it took him ages to get an erection but eventually did and we had amazing sex (we usually do have mind blowing sex when it happens)
Yesterday he nipped home from work and I tried to seduce him but he couldn't get hard at all. Its made me feel so unattractive. I've tried to be understanding but I can't shake the feeling he just no longer desires me. He came over last night as i said I feel insecure and he just crashed out as he was tired. Then this morning when I went to hug him he said he couldn't as he needed the toilet. Then got up and left for work.
He called to see if I was OK and said to tell him what was wrong as I always say we shouldn't keep things from each other. I tried to tell him I don't feel like he's into me like he used to be and he instantly went on the defensive and just said 'ok'. Then no real reassurance other than he loves me and doesn't get why I feel like that. I don't want to bring up the lack of his erection as don't want to damage his pride.
I've tried sexy underwear, sending sexy pics, planning dates, being loving and affectionate. Everything! When we do have sex for the most part it's incredible. I just can't shake the comments about how my mouth tastes and now not being able to get him hard. It's really dented my self esteem. I dont know how to approach this any more.
9 Replies
Stop chasing someone, life's too short, he can't give you what you need anyway.
Seriously, you don't live together, don't have kids, it's only been 2.5 years, stop wasting your time and find a better match.
You deserve better x
I couldn’t read all of it hun it’s not working it shouldn’t be this hard. Move on he aren’t the guy for you!
Bye bye too much effort. Stop looking to him as your source of self-esteem. Go look in the mirror at the beautiful person you are and love the hell out of you. Realise you deserve someone who feels the same way and treats you with respect! If you felt great about yourself there's no way you would keep letting this man back in the door. Tell him at the most you want a FWB if the sex is amazing but nothing more. The fact that he is already putting you down has me wary he is going to make you feel worse about yourself so he can be a controlling d*ck. Go out on coffee dates with different men so you work out what you do and don't want. Get used to rejecting the ones who are not right for you. Some will turn nasty and you get quicker at figuring them out. Until one day a beautiful man walks in and changes everything and you are so dang grateful you said no to everything less to get to him. Well that's my story ;)
This sounds a lot more like holding on for the sake of having someone to hold onto. When you have to push to even have a little bit of alone time, he's just not that into you.
Do take on board the mouth thing. I know I had to make that call with my partner. His mouth was full of rotting teeth, and after I told him how awful it was he finally went to the dentist and got it sorted. I'm not saying you have the same, but is your dental check up due? I even find my own gets a bit funky if my 6 month clean gets delayed. I feel a million bucks after it too.
Don't fail into the trap of on/off relationships. They go off for a reason. Without the resources put into some type of therapy, no amount of "clean slates" will do fuck all - because at the end of the day it's the exact same 2 people doing the exact same things which by definition will give you the exact same result. You set yourselves up for failure every single time and the merry go round begins again. He's proven he'll come running back everytime. So the buck stops here with you. If you want your life to be different you will have to be the bad ass woman that stops taking shit and starts looking out for number 1.
Ok firstly, his erectile dysfunction has NOTHING to do with you. There's plenty of reasons for it, some are medical, but mostly it's a stress issue. It's definitely not because you're not attractive or whatever else your low self esteem / anxiety / whatever is telling you. It's 100% about him.
In saying that, this relationship sounds bloody exhausting. It's on / off, he's lazy and couldn't be bothered giving you what you need. You shouldn't have to beg for his love or attention.
The fact that you split up and he does all the things you need to take him back, proves that he KNOWS what you want, and he IS capable of doing those things. But then you go back & it stops because he couldn't be fked putting in the effort.
If you've split up 5 times in 2.5 years, that averages out at every 6 months. Fuck that. How can you ever think this will be a secure, committed relationship with a promising future?
Honestly, read the book "He's just not that into you". It's a piss-take, but it's the god's honest truth.
If a man wants you, he will make time for you and he will give you the attention need without you asking for it.
I honestly didn't even realise how much time I've wasted on halfway men until I met my fiance.
It's been 3 years and he still actively pursues me as much as he did at the start of the relationship.
We live together, but we both work 24/7 shiftwork. If it's been a few days of opposite shifts & we haven't seen each other because of work, he will literally wake up an hour early to come and have lunch with me at 3am in my work carpark.
If a man truly loves you and wants you, he will go out of his way to make time for you, and you won't have to beg him for it.
Some relationships just won't work, no matter how much you want them to.
It doesn't mean either of you is a bad person, it just means you're not the right people for each other.
It really sounds like you just get back together because it's easier. The stress of alcohol, ex drama, work, kids and life in general isn't ever going to go away.
If you guys can't work together on all of that, it's honestly better to just walk away.
Being single is soooooo much easier than dealing with this kind of constant drama.
2.5 years and already broken up 5 times? That's too much drama for a short relationship, don't try and fix it. Go your own way. Now I sound like a car ad.
Time to move on.... you busted up that often? Is it really worth the stress.... this relationship has run OT corce.
So I’ve been with my partner for close to 16 years and I can tell you in that time he’s found me unattractive and has issues in that time with his erection towards me. And most of the time his interests were elsewhere I guess you could say 😅 🤦🏻♀️ Thankfully not the case atm cause he can’t keep his hands off me. Relationships wax and wane 😂 But I think you should definitely look up the different love languages, my partners terrible with communication and we have 2 children together too. It does sound as though he’s losing interest and doing the bare minimum to keep u around or maybe he’s hoping if he continues treating you this way, you will decide on your own to leave? He’s hoping you have enough self respect maybe? But also people can be so manipulative and tell u what u want to hear , just to shut you up so they don’t have to discuss a “real” relationship issue. Remember actions speak louder than words, does he take you out with his family and friends ?
There's so many things happening here and many that I can relate to.
The erectile issues - stress, fatigue, weight, alcohol and smoking can definetly affect this... sometimes my partner of 7 years refuses to try because he knows it's an issue and e feels self concious and doesn't want to disappoint but also won't admit so pushes me away instead of trying. He has learnt though that sometimes he can still be affectionate or uses toys to pleasure me and not worry about himself when he can't get hard. I've also learnt different ways to work with it when he's having an issue like sucking it first to get it hard enough (sometimes while he watches me use my toys) and going doggy with him standing off the side of the bed coz he can get deeper and it can get more of his sensitive bits. Also using my toy on my clutch while he does coz he feels the vibrations if I'm on the right angle and because I'm enjoying it more it helps him not being as self concious of not being hard enough.
On the breaking up thing - the fact it's happened 5 times already in 2 years, is this setting a precedent for the rest of the relationship? Who does the breaking up? The longer this goes on the harder it is to leave so you need to think about what you want and why you keep taking him back. If it's because you're insecure and want someone then maybe it's time to learn to love yourself. If it's him then you need to figure out whether you can deal with this or whether you need him to change and whether that change is reasonable or if it's better to move on. Can you handle this long term if he doesn't change?
I knew from the start my partner wasn't a heart's and roses guy. We go through regular cycles and I need to pull him up and remind him what I need from him and not to push me away because men tend to shut down instead of leaning on you.
My partners idea of romance is me doing the housework and looking after him... mine is affection and supporting my emotional needs... 2 different pages which gets frustrating but I've learnt to be firm and clear.
However when he drinks he just doesn't listen. I need to make sure I time it right so he pays attention. Not when he's walked in the door from a hard day, not when he's dealing with kids, not when he's drinking, not when he's trying to switch off.
It was also hard at the start when we weren't living together and he'd been burnt so kept his walls up too, but living together isn't easier. In fact it gets harder and more challenging being in each other's face 24/7 and bringing all the kids together. It's easier to separate couple time, family time and you time when you live separately. So you gotta figure this out now.
As for him not liking your date night make him plan the next one. Make him choose. My partner is a chef so we always talk about food places so I know where he wants to try but sometimes I make him decide where to take me.
As for the breath thing do you have issues? Try gargling listerine or brushing your teeth right before you make a move. I didn't realise I had issues until he pointed it out coz I don't smell my breath that close lol
Only you know what's right for you, but sometimes you have to think about you instead of everyone else and think about what you need and whether he can give that to you and where you see this going if nothing changes.