What did I do so wrong.
My 21 year old daughter wants nothing to do with me.
I know I wasn’t a perfect mum, I know I did things that I’m not proud of. I’ve apologised, I’ve asked her can we sit down with someone and talk about it all and sort it out. I miss her being in my life.
Adult daughter
Adult daughter
Posted in:
Kids
12 Replies
Sorry to hear you're going through this. It is like grieving for a child that is still alive. As hard as it is, respect her wishes. Keep working on yourself and get counseling for you. It's good that you have owned whatever has happened to her but dig deeper. You could start writing about your life, your history, your choices and regrets. Also write about the positives and good times. It is so good to get everything out and it helps clarify things. She doesn't need to read it, it's more for you but it might help you know what she might be feeling or how it came to be like this.
Sometimes you just have to step back and leave the door open. Mine decided to leave and go to her father's. He was an horribly abusive man and I was devastated.
The more you push or get upset, the more it pushes them away. I had to bite my tongue. After some time she walked back in my door and now spends more time with me again.
Give her space but let her know you love her and the door is always open.
You need to leave the ball in her court.
You've begged, pleaded, apologised, suggested counselling. She knows you're willing to work on repairing your mother/daughter relationship and she knows how and where to find you when and/or if she's ready to reconcile.
You may need to come to terms with the possibility that she might not ever want to reconcile though.
I am a daughter who had a very tenuous relationship with her mother. Present day, we have zero relationship outside of making polite yet awkward small talk at the rare family gathering.
I actually made my peace with that a long time ago, I have no desire to make amends, I have nothing to gain by attending counselling with her. I have moved on. I know my mother hasn't and I'm sure that's probably hard for her.
I'm genuinely not saying any of this to stick the knife in a little deeper, I'm mentioning it so you can prepare yourself.
You can't go back in time to be the mother she needed but you can be the mother she needs now by respecting her boundaries.
The first six words of your post, especially the fifth word thrown in there for good measure!
You are obviously still minimising your "wrongs" and are not accountable.
When you say sorry, she can tell it's not from a place of true understanding and empathy, but just a way to "move on".
I bet when she mentions her hurts, you get defensive and try to rewrite the narrative, dismiss it or tell her it wasn't that bad.
Yes This is it.
She’s saying you cause/d her pain and trauma that’s ongoing, and either whatever you’re doing now, or your attitude towards it is something she can’t have in her life, it’s toxic to her.
You saying sorry doesn’t change that. You wanting her in your life is selfish and again, that idea is exactly what causes her pain.
Try asking what do you want me to do for you to have me in your life? And not in a way that’s condescending. If you don’t think it’s that bad, just leave her alone.
Agree...if she were truly sorry and owned what she did wrong, she wouldn't need to start her post with that question.
And to answer your question, we don't know, we weren't there, but it must have been ongoing and hurtful to your daughter.
My mother will tell everyone she wasn’t a perfect mother but doesn’t deserve to be disowned like she was by me.
She allowed someone else to abuse me. She was narcissistic. She NEVER actually apologised for anything and when she did, it was “i’m sorry you felt hurt” “i’m sorry you were upset” etc. NEVER actually apologising for her actions. She always made out that my reaction to her was the problem.
The day she hit my 4 year old son was the day i walked away. That was nearly 6 years ago now. She calls me names. She still believes she did nothing bad enough to be disowned.
Some parents are toxic. Your daughter has made her mind up. Leave her alone and let her decide for herself if she wants you in her life.
So sorry you've been through that x
When you think about it, if these mothers could genuinely apologise and understand the damage they have done, they probably would never have done the crap things in the first place.
Just tell her the truth.
Send her a message/email/letter etc, Tell her you know that you weren’t the perfect mother (none of us are), and that you’re sorry for your actions over the years (we all have regrets).
Say you’d love nothing more than to fix what’s broken.
You also need to say that you accept her decision in not wanting to be in your life. Tell her you love her, and will always be there with open arms if she ever does want to accept you back in to her life.
Then, you leave it. If she wants you there, you’ll know. But you will have to accept it if she doesn’t.
And, once she has kids (if she ever does), she’ll probably have the realisation that you tried your best. She may even call up saying sorry.
Also, you could’ve done everything right, and still lost her. So don’t be too hard on yourself. 💜
She’s allowed to go no contact with you, you said “I know I did things that I’m not proud of” apologising doesn’t mean that someone has to forgive you. You can accept an apology and not forgive someone. You can apologise until you are blue in the face but she can probably see that you’re insincere and it’s not like she’s going to make it all go back to normal. You are not entitled to her forgiveness, you aren’t entitled to anything when it comes to her.
Maybe prove in different ways that you’ve changed, but do it for yourself and not for her. The best way to show you’ve changed is by leaving her alone and letting her reach out to you when she’s ready and accept that it might be never.
"What did I do so wrong"
Probably more than you realise...
Have you got counselling for yourself? To deal with your wrong doings and accept accountability. I don't say this to be mean, just from experience with my own mum, her apologies always feel like excuses and self preservation rather than acknowledging what she did do wrong. She instead says "well I'm sorry I was such a terrible mother!" To which I then have to comfort her because shes sobbing about herself.
But honestly what I need is for her to acknowledge WHAT she did and how it impacted me rather than jumping to the defensive and only thinking about her own sorrow.
Suggesting counselling together is a good start. But you may just have to wait until she is ready instead of when you want her to be ready. Good luck. Xx
I kinda feel like there are 3 sides to all stories, yours hers and the truth. You will always want to be forgiven, she has feelings created as a child that she can't manage and you caused. and neither of you see each other's perspective. She has cut you for a reason. What did you do that made her feel she had no other option? You are probably still doing what ever upsets her and good chance she has told you and you dismissed her. Own the situation, seek therapy and discover how you can fix you, that might just be the key if it isn't too late.