I just need to vent. Feel free to vent your own story- reading other people's experience might help.
My relationship with my sister has always been difficult- there have been times we get along but those are few and far between. The old adage of "you can't choose your family" has never been truer as she is not the type of person I'd have in my life (and perhaps she would say the same).
I've tried going low contact- which has helped immensely. We only see my family on special occasions. On these occasions that I see her she says/does little things she thinks is funny and on top of all the other shit I've gone through with her, it is far from it for me. If I say something about it, it's the usual "oh it's just a joke, arent I funny haha".
I realised years ago that our father is a control freak (possible narcissistic tendencies and mum is the enabler) and have tried to distance myself from my parents and check my own behaviour in relation to my kids. My sister has not done the same, and I have realised how similar her behaviour is to his in the way it makes me feel bullied (elaboration or exaggeration of events or things people said, giving you the silent treatment, withholding of information, saying inappropriate things to me or my husband, blaming other people for things she says or situations she has put herself in, etc). She also is my parents "flying monkey" in that she'll say things to me, then go back to them and tell them I said "mean things" to her whilst conveniently omitting the horrific things she said (she kept sending me messages I didn't know how to deal with, so told her that much and to see a therapist.... apparently that meant I want her dead). I no longer reply to her messages unless absolutely necessary.
Writing this down now it all seems so ridiculous. If someone told me this was happening to them I'd tell them to stop all contact. But it's just not that easy.
With Christmas coming up I already feel stressed. Not going (to have Christmas with them) is not an option... the repercussions are worse.
At this stage it's important to not react and to keep the peace.
8 Replies
To be honest, the repercussions are what you allow them to be. What do you get from them that validates their behaviour towards you? If the answer is nothing then no contact IS the answer. Who gives a fuck how they act if you don't go for Christmas? You're not going to see them after anyway so...
I know there's big worries when it comes to big changes but sometimes to get the best for your family, and yourself, you just have to bite the bullet and do it.
I know you told your sister she ought to see someone. If you haven't it's actually something you can benefit from. It makes the decision to go no contact easier, and gives you some skills to make it work.
Absolutely, I understand it's within my control to change the situation (hence low contact). But (and there's always a but) my sister is a single parent of a child... and I feel like I should still be available if or when this child may need help (kid is mild adhd, and sister has permissive parenting style). We've already had him over a few months this year.
As for my mental health, I have some structures in place that helps me, and I have contemplated whether I may need to see a therapist. As yet I haven't made the decision, but I have an appointment next week at my Gp and am planning to discuss it then.
My exes family was exactly like this only it was his Mum that was like that, but all the kids were flying monkeys! Very small things got thrown way out of proportion. I was lucky as I could leave and cut contact for the most part but they do it to my adult daughter too and she had enough and has cut them out. Of course with cutting them out comes with them spinning their own narrative as to why, they can't be made to look like the bad guy. So toxic. Keep conversation subjects on generic subjects like specials at Aldi, what's happening in the news, the weather, the price of fuel. Don't let them talk about their personal lives or ask questions about your personal life as that's when things can get pulled apart and blown up, then used against you at a later date. If they do try and talk about it keep answers yes or no, don't elaborate on anything. You can always "catch covid" just before Christmas 🎄
Lol. Nice idea. We loved the covid lockdowns - it was so peaceful then 🤣. But yes, that sounds about right - small things are manipulated. Depending on his behaviour, on the odd occasion my dad has turned even generic topics into an argument. This has merely resulted in them barely knowing their grandkids as we usually see them 4 or 5 times a year (they live one hr away). It's only been in the last couple years I've realised my sister is like that too, but more "behind your back" manipulation. Makes me feel like I'm back in high school.
Why not so easy? Just don’t go there! Go where you enjoy being!
If only it were that easy.... my sister has a child so I'm maintaining low contact in case we need to step up again (already had him a few months this year).
It is that easy though. Just say you aren't feeling great aor are doing something with hubby's family, or someone special to the kids or just your immediate family. You're not talking about never seeing them again
It really is that easy. You’re in charge! It’s your life and your happiness. So that’s an excuse you’ve made for yourself not to have to change anything. So have a look at yourself and work out why you won’t. Saying you can’t choose your own healthy boundaries because you have to look after her child leads me to think you get a boost from seeing yourself as a caretaker/ the rescuer/ selfless / the responsible one / needed.
You know others can help her if she needs it, and you can answer a request to have the child while also setting healthy boundaries and making your own plans.