Trigger warning child abuse
There's no easy way to say this but my daughter told me tonight that my ex has been touching her and having secret "yes cuddle time" for about 2 years.
He's not her dad but has been a co-parent for roughly 5 years. I don't know what to do. I feel so fkin sic and my poor daughter. She's only just turned 9.
Who do I talk to or tell?
Do I report it?
Do I tell him that I know?
How do I help her get past this?
My daughter doesn't want anyone to know. Is that my decision to make? I obviously want to report it.
I'm so gutted. I thought I kept my baby girl so safe in this world. I trusted this man with my entire world. How could he do this.
17 Replies
This is heartbreaking. I would start with Bravehearts. The link I copied recommends who to contact depending on the state that you are in.
https://bravehearts.org.au/get-help/report-child-sexual-abuse/
This absolutely needs to be reported. Do not speak to your ex. The police and Bravehearts can put you in touch with appropriate services to help both you and your daughter through this.
Don't say anything to him! If he has evidence around it will give him time to get rid of it. It will also give him time to think of a story or get people on his side. It could also be dangerous if he thinks he has nothing to lose. Stop any access he has to any kids you have. Don't wash any of her clothes that she's had at his house. Write down everything she has said so far so you don't forget it. Go to police to report. Poor thing! This is not your fault x
You need to report this abuse. Don't sweep it under the carpet. This predator needs to be held accountable.
I know how you feel. My child was abused by her stepfather while I was on night shift. She was 12 when she told me. The process took about 2 years, but the perpetrator ended up with a prison sentence. Children don't make this stuff up. I trust no one now.
Stay strong and report this.
Unfortunately these types of gutter rats end up in protection with others like them so they don't ever do 'hard' time. It's easy for them in Prison. TV'S, game consoles, commissary, daily access to visitors and phone calls.
They aren't in a solitary situation.
It's not 'prison' in there for these tyoes of criminals. It's just a camp away from home where they make new friends and roam the section in the prison they're in whenever they like . There is no violence in protection because dogs like these are sneaky, not violent, so all the other like - minded mugs like themselves all get on well. It's an easy sentence for them.
When people think of prisons they think of mainstream. These type aren't in mainstream. They don't suffer in prison like we think they do.
Unfortunately.
You are not in the same house as him tonight are you? Firstly, remove her. Anywhere else. Secondly, and asap as in as soon as you away from him, call all the people. Yes report him. Police. Facs. Bravehearts, start with police - right now.
Don't say anything to him.
Take her to her GP or paediatrician.
Go to see the police. Select one with a SOCIT department. Not every police station has a child abuse team.
I found SOCIT is very good with children and they can refer you to ECASA, Bravehearts etc.
I am really impressed she told you and you have listened. But she's a child. The perpetrator an adult and you both trusted him.
If she were much older, say, over the age of 18 and said "mum, this happened but I don't want anyone to know or press charges" then ok.
But at 9, no. If he did it to her, there's more little girls or boys or both who he's done this to.
Best wishes
Please take in her into the police station now. You don’t tell you Ex a thing. Don’t give him a chance to come up with a story. Let the police deal with it. They have police trained for this. Please go and report it now. Don’t leave it another minute. This poor little girl. You need to fight for her and fight for justice don’t give up. Take one step at a time but please go to the police. They will send some one trained and gentle to speak to her. Ring ahead and ask them to even come out and see her.
One thing you must always remember here. DO NOT TELL YOUR EX A THING. This is very important here. Get You need to act on this asap. Take her to A police station now. Ring your local station and speak to see if they have someone trained in this and take her in now. Don’t wait.
OMG this poor little girl. Take her now to the police station. I would be hysterical and have her at the police station by now. Go now and don’t wait he’s prob doing it to others kids 😭this is heartbreaking. Let the police get him. Don’t contact him it will ruin your daughters life more than he already has, by getting rig of evidence.
Please don’t contact him or ask her any more questions. Straight to your local police station now.
What are you waiting for. Get to the police station. Please keep us updated. They’ll get him. You need to remain calm and do not speak with him or message him at all. This is so sickening. You poor mum and your little girl. You’d be in shock but you need to go report it now. I’m so glad she told you. Keep strong Mumma.
Yes this is your decision she is scared and would not understand what the hell this monster has done. You must support her and take her into the police asap. Make sure you reassure her that they are going to help her and it will help her to talk to them because they know about these things and know how to help her. Don’t let her make this decision she is too young and traumatised go and get this reported. If you do not do this now, you will regret it. Fight for your little girl. Be strong and go and bloody fight to have this scum arrested. Figure the rest out later with the right help and support. Don’t contact him either. Take her to the hospital if she’s scarred. They will assess her and speak with her and the police will come there.
You have to report it but it might not go to court if she doesn't want to testify which is OK too, that can be traumatic on its own. At least by reporting it, it may put him on their radar and gets your girl the counseling and help she needs.
I have been here. You must report this, you are her mother and protector.
Reach out to brave hearts. Your daughter needs to understand safe secrets are okay but this is an unsafe one and is not okay behaviour.
Your daughter has been groomed and is confused. She told you for a reason. Believe her by acting.
She may have been threatened. She needs support by a trustworthy psychologist.
You also need to consider the ramifications if you don't report and it's found out you did not act protectively.
I also recommend when reporting anything document everything. Record all interactions.
Do not let him find out you know.
I understand her not wanting to tell.
Still, in this day and age, there is shame thrown on victims.
As an adult abuse victim I want you to consider explaining it this way to her.
For every time he took away your power, reporting this, outing him as a predator and protecting other little girls he may have access to - that puts ALL the power back in her hands. The only hold he ever had on her was secrecy, blow that wide open so he can't hide in the shadows.
Once the wheels are in motion, talk to her about taking up a martial art. One of the worst ongoing problems for me was feeling powerless (my parents did nothing for me, brushed it all under the rug and claimed years later they didn't know). Having the confidence in my ability to protect myself would potentially have made a big difference in the trajectory of my life.
I wish the both of you all my best hopes for justice and healing.
I asked my mum not to report my abuse and she did. I was angry at first, but she got me counselling and it helped. I never pressed charges, as I thought I would never be believed. He was sent to jail a few years later for abuse of his step daughter.
Please report it and as everyone has said get your daughter and yourself counselling xx
Hugs to you both ❤️❤️
My family are still going through the court process for child sex offences committed by my ex against 2 of my children.
Firstly, I’m so incredibly sorry your daughter and you are going through this. It is the worst thing and is not easy to comprehend unless you have been through it.
You need to report it to the police, if you’re in Vic it is now the law for anyone to report sex offences against children. Contact your local police and ask to speak to the family violence specialist, they are usually more sensitive than other officers.
If you are in Vic once you report to police they will contact SOCIT (the sex offences team) who will do all the investigations and take a video statement from your daughter, other states have their own equivalent to SOCIT. They will refer you to other supports such as orange door, CASA, victim’s assistance, child witness program etc.
There’s A LOT to take in so don’t be afraid to take notes or ask plenty of questions! Even start writing questions down so you don’t forget them when you get a chance to ask. Police will apply to put a family violence order in place, make sure you request that you be on the order as well (and any other children if you have any), I didn’t and my ex continued to contact me with threats until I got my own order.
Being so young your daughter will do a video statement, which means she won’t have to stand up in court.
Make sure you get your daughter into counseling asap, this is paramount in helping her move forward and deal with what’s to come, get counseling for yourself too, it may not have hit you yet but the affect it will have on you will be huge. The mum guilt will kick in, from personal experience that’s a killer, but please remember this is NOT your fault, you did nothing to cause this.
It’s a long road, we are 15 months into it since the incident when I found out what he’d been doing, and it’s tough. Which is why it’s important that you get counselling and take plenty of time for self care and self love so that you have the strength and energy to support your daughter.
Brave hearts is another good support service, they also have loads of info and resources that are invaluable.