Hi all,
Edit- I do believe I am going to advocate for my child here. Not hard for him to say to our child “would you like to meet someone special to me, she will be spending some time with us, her name is….” This has happened twice now. I don’t think my post quite conveyed my problem and that is I do believe our child is owed an explanation of who this new person in her life is at that time, especially intimate partners. Sorry all. My fault.
Edit- Ok- I obviously wasn’t clear enough. I am not upset because I wasn’t introduced. I am angry because he doesn’t say anything to our daughter. I am upset because my daughter woke up to a stranger in bed with her. I am angry because my ex didn’t bother to tell out daughter a name or explanation of who this person is. My daughter doesn’t know what to call her because Dad didn’t say anything. Just all of a sudden she was there and our 6 year old is left wondering who this person is. I mean come on….giving a child her name at the least?
Something isn’t sitting right with me. My ex husband has had two new girlfriends since separation. First one- he introduced daughter (4 at the time) after a short period. He didn’t introduce by name etc so daughter had no idea who this person was. She was just there all of a sudden. I asked my ex about it and he said he knows it won’t last, so didn’t want to confuse our daughter with proper introductions. I said that isn’t right and to please in future make the proper introductions. We also agreed that going forward we would communicate any knew partners who we are going to introduce daughter to between ourselves first and then to our daughter.
Fast forward. My daughter who is now 6- has told me that Dad had a girl around twice now and she sleeps in the same bed as her and Dad …she has said she doesn’t even know her name. My ex didn’t communicate to me that he had a new partner and was planning on introducing to our daughter. Ok that’s fine- we don’t have to tell each other our personal lives, it was just a matter of out of respect we made that agreement. I can let that go, however, am I wrong in my feelings that once again our daughter doesn’t know who this person is and she is sleeping with our daughter, a stranger! It is inappropriate and irresponsible, not to mention not setting good moral standard and boundaries for our daughter? She isn’t comfortable going over there now and is crying that she feels things “crawling over her in bed at night” is there his a sign of her deep seeded discomfort in this situation?
I am just so angry he put her in this situation. Is it wrong to ask for a mutual understanding that we talk about new partners meeting our kids before they meet them? Am I wrong I’m thinking that it is so unfair not to introduce daughter and new partners properly and that she shouldn’t have to sleep with them?
I called ex and asked about it and was told that they do like each other and he will be asking her to marrying him one day.
Please, does anyone know how this could affect our daughter in the future? Or is it a matter of oh if you don’t make a big deal out of it, kids don’t know?
11 Replies
I can’t speak for how it will affect your daughter. But for my own kids having witnessed their dad skip happily from at least 23 relationships over the past 7 years I can say it hasn’t been great for them.
I think largely the fact they usually don’t get ‘closure’ as to why the relationships ended, they just vanish.
At least 4 of them he’s said they were the reason for the breakup. 1 apparently told him to ‘choose’ between her and the kids and the other 3 ‘didn’t want them to visit’. Effectively all my kids hear from this is ‘it’s your fault my relationship failed’ and this has resulted in a lot of angry and hurt for my kids being ‘blamed’ and a lot of anger from me as well that they have been ‘blamed’. My ex has no over night contact, by choice, and only sees the kids twice a month for the day. I feel using the kids as the reasons for the end of the relationship is a cop out under these circumstances and completely unfair on my kids.
I have 1 child now that now has incredible low self esteem thinking she’s the reason dad can’t be happy(17). Another that makes bets with his siblings on the length of time before dad moves in, then moves out of the new relationship (15) and a 9 year old confused as to where his dad sleeps at night and if he’s okay.
Myself personally have only been game to have 1 relationship in all this time (which did fail) and no desire to find someone new to avoid more hurt or confusion for my kids.
You are right, it’s incredibly wrong of any parent to just have strangers around their children before giving both parties the opportunity to get to know each other before bringing their children into the mix.
Lord knows if I was doing what my ex is doing I’ll be tarred and feathered and likely have child safety breathing down my neck because of the safety risk to my kids (especially if they were still young).
Poor form on your exes behalf if you ask me.
Does your daughter have to sleep in the same bed? Maybe the focus should he on trying to get her to settle in her own room..
Mine moved on before I even left him. I knew I did not have any control over who he dated or otherwise as he would do whatever he liked. However, where the kids were concerned I was able to make suggestions. It is entirely up to him if he takes them on board. I do not expect to be introduced as he has different values to me (or a lack of them). You may need to lower your expectations of him unfortunately.
The child should not be sleeping in a bed with a stranger, or with anyone except parent for that matter. And part of coparenting is that the parent has a safe place for the child to sleep. Their own safe space where ‘people’ don’t have access to them.
Now I’ve had time to think on it. No I won’t lower my standards. Not when he brings girlfriends around our child and he doesn’t bother to tell our child their name or who they are…he just expects her to … what? Respect them? Rely on them? Be watched by them? Be safe around them? Ask them something? Ask who? He didn’t even bother to tell her a name to be called by. How is she meant to feel safe and comfortable. Sorry but I do believe Ive decided to advocate for my child here. All I asked from him is that he sits down with our child and say “I am excited for you to meet someone who will be spending some time with us, her name is….”
I would be ropable and reporting him and my child wouldn’t be going there. How fuckign dangerous is that. Imagine if a mum did it putting their baby in bed with a random guy. Imagine how that poor baby felt and what he’s teaching her. He’s putting her in danger you don’t have to send her to that, protect her.
Am I the only one who thinks it's weird that a 6 Yr old is still cosleeping and the parents arnt addressing it? I mean, that's the first thing I would have done when it happened the first time when the child was 4 if my child was still cosleeping
Kids who have gone through family breakdown and see their father part time in a second home deserve compassion, love and nurturing. Your way of thinking is sad.
It's not "weird".
Wait, what? I definitely wasnt saying or implying kids don't deserve compassion, love and nurturing. But I definitely think there is a healthy and an unhealthy amount of cosleeping and reasoning for it.
Studies show that it's quite common for children to still sleep with their parents occasionally up until about 12 on average. There is nothing weird about a child who misses their parent sleeping with them at 6. However, dad needs to cuddle her to sleep in her bed or if she sleeps in his, the girlfriend doesn't on those nights. The girlfriend being in the bed isn't OK.
My divorced friends had their kids in their bed when their new partners started staying over. Not forever, but they felt safer knowing the kids were with them and not potentially accessible to the partner if they'd snuck out once they were asleep. They had no reason to suspect any reason for concern, but they were being cautious.
The adults obviously went to bed much later, so when they did, they just crashed in the spare room/an empty kid's room. That changed over time obviously, but they still do that if the kids do need their mum on occasion. Boundaries and respect... can't knock that!
I've just deleted my comment because it got out of hand with people attacking me for the advice/opinion I gave and making their own shit up out of the words I posted. Sorry it was different to what you all want to hear.