We found out last night that my beautiful 26 year old little brother died suddenly and accidentally. I had to tell our mother and father and I will never ever get over their faces and all of it. How will we survive? How will I survive? Will my mum ever be herself again? I’ve never had to grieve anyone and this tragedy is my first, I have no idea what I’m doing. I miss him so much and am utterly heartbroken. My chest feels like it’s on fire. Will it ever end? How do I tell my preschooler his beloved uncle is gone?
7 Replies
I'm so sorry.
Grief counsellors exist for this very reason. Don't hesitate to reach out for help.
It might feel like this will never end, but you will be alright again one day. It won’t be soon though, and it will never be the same. But you’ll have peace and good days. One way I’ve heard it described is that those times where your broken heart is too much to bare, they’re like waves. And what happens is the waves first come crash after crash, you can’t breathe and can’t see it ever ending. But then, finally, a gap in between. And in the gap you’re ok. Then the wave comes again. And the gaps get longer, and maybe some waves even feel smaller sometimes. The waves will always come, but the gaps come too.
There are some really good Ted talks on Grief. I also like the idea that we live in a circle, and losing someone we love makes a hole. People assume we go through grief - repair the hole - and recover. But this idea is that what we really do is keep that hole with us forever, but now we have to learn how to reshape a new circle (our life) around that hole. This is why all the firsts without him are really hard to go through. And this is how you’ll find your way eventually to times where your mum is ok. I spent a lot of time researching grief, wanting to know when it’ll get better. Maybe that was just a distraction, but I think it helped.
As someone who has lost a brother, i can tell you it takes so much time. The wound doesn’t heal as such, but you learn to cope with the wound.
Trauma counselling can help and I suggest going for it as soon as you’re able.
At this point in time your focus just needs to be you and your family. Take each day as it comes.
Reach out to friends when you’re needing help and someone to talk to.
The fire in the chest feeling will calm down, but that will also take time. Cry. And surround yourself with people you love.
I told my children simply that he has died, and we won’t be able to see him anymore and that’s why everyone is really really sad, and it’s okay to be sad. It’s okay to cry. Children don’t understand the death talk usually, so I would also reach out to your children’s teachers so they can also navigate this at school and support your child.
My condolences x
This is heartbreaking. Your poor family. Be there for your mum and dad. Be there together. Support each other and talk openly and always talk about him. It takes a long time for it to even sink in and you never get past it, you just learn as time goes on,to cope but you will always grieve. It feels like your heart has been ripped out. Life can be so cruel. Losing a loved one is the worst pain. I think some grief counciling to support you and your family at this devastating time. Sending love and hugs to your family.
My condolences to you and your family.
At this very early stage just try to get through every minute.
Remember to breath
Remember to eat and drink
Be gentle with yourself as your body and soul processes it.
Say yes when people offer to help.
Ask for help as most people want to support you but aren't always sure of the best way how.
Just surviving and making it to the end of each day is your goal right now.
I had to learn to live again with each loss and every time I am never the same afterwards. I have slowly learned to smile, laugh again but it had to come after processing so much pain. One day I pulled over my car and sobbed so loudly I thought I was going to have to ring someone to come pick me up. I knew I was just broken. The pieces will be stuck back together but it will never be the same. Just go slowly and try to do something small on every first without him e.g. light a candle. We do not ever get over it, we just become strong enough to carry it 💗
I am so so so sorry you're living this nightmare.
Content warning mention of suicide.
One day at a time.
You will find your new normal without him being here physically. It is a hard journey that you never fully get over.
I was 16 when my older sister died by suicide. I'd never experienced the grief that our family was thrown into. Our family was broken before she died and was totally destroyed after.
Slowly we regrouped. I almost lost my mum to her depression and addictions but she found her was through.
I was 30 when my older brother died by suicide. The anger was so strong towards him because we'd been through it together and he knew what the pain was like.
It's been nearly 12 years since he died. There are still days when it's all consuming but they are not often now.
Your world grows but they will always be part of your past.
My best advice is to seek help early to help with your own grief.
I also found reaching out to sibling support groups really helpful. There is something comforting in knowing there are others who have an understanding of what you're going through.