I have always wanted 4 children. I currently have 3 young beautiful children. Ranging from 3.5 to 6months. I felt happy with 3 after my youngest was born felt very content. But then after we settled into a routine I thought about having four. I wanted a similar age gap as my first three. Which would mean starting trying again soon. Me and my husband both want four if we act with our hearts but are heads are saying we should just stick to three because we are both happy. It just feels like the safe choice having only three. Any advice or experience greatly appreciated.
Thanks Mummas.
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15 Replies
How old are you? If you are more likely to have a child with a disability it will turn your life upside down and your 3 current children will have much less time with both of you because the 4th child will be so consuming. I have a few friends that live their youngest child deeply, but regret having them due to the impact on their lives personally and the childhood of their older children.
I am only 27. Yeah I can imagine how hard that would be and how it would impact on time with the older children.
Well if there is no increased risk of having a high needs child (including things like uterine strength if your previous children were c sections or something, not just age) I'd be considering your circumstances.
Do you own your own home? Is it big enough to raise 4 children in once they're teenagers and want more personal space?
Do you both have established careers and could you survive if one of you lost your job or became unwell and couldn't work full-time?
Can your car fit 4 child seats, or do you have the equity to upgrade it?
Will you be able to afford the holidays you want to give your kids?
Can you afford 4 birthday parties and Christmas days?
Will it stop them from being able to do sports/have hobbies because scheduling is an issue and you can't be in multiple places at once?
If you work, will your job security or income be impacted by needing to have carers leave for 4 children when they're sick? Particularly if they share it like dominoes and another gets ill as another gets better?
Would you be relying on family members for support that may then be limited from taking holidays themselves etc?
Are you planning on private or public school?
Will you be able to afford groceries once they're older and eat the same amount as an adult (or more when they're teenagers)
Will your current children want that many siblings to share your time with or are they happy with it as is?
I am 1 of 4. I only had 2 children and never wanted more than that. I didn't mind having less growing up... but the thing I realised when I became a young adult and started spending a lot of time with my friends and their families was that my friends were so much closer to their parents than I was. Don't get me wrong, I love my parents and have no resentment towards them. I also love my siblings. But the fact of the matter is I just didn't get the same amount of bonding time as my friends with less siblings did.
I see it with my kids too. They're so close to my hubby's parents because they get more time with them when we get together. When they see my parents, they don't get much time with them because there are sooo many cousins. Just food for thought...
Everything changes with 4. Car, house, holidays, going out as a family. Everything is made for families of 4 or 5 people, never 6. Yours are close together too, I had 3 under 3 then 4 under 5 and I barely remember my 4th child's first year, the whole thing is a blur. It's hard work. Give yourself a few years at least then decide then.
Yes agree very hard work as I also had 3 under 3 for a couple of months. I would also have 4 under 5 if we decide to have another just like yourself. Car isnt too much of a concern as we would need to upgrade soon anyways and in terms of house we are building a bigger home so space is not a concern either.
I thought about waiting a little bit more but then dont want to comprise the age gap we have created with the other kids. Its so beautiful the gap as they havr and they are such a unit and so close. Such a tricky decision for myself as its very planned with medication and such so its a lot to consider.
It's perfectly OK now in the moment to go "you know what, 3 is perfect". So what if you previously always thought 4 was perfect. You're allowed to change your mind.
Go for 4!! I was one of 3 and hated it. Said I’d never have 3 but ended up having 3 because my age was 35 with my last one. I felt too old by the time I would have had my 4th. I wish I did. Don’t hesitate.
Why did you hate being one of 3? What wouldve been different with 4?
Before you know it, they’ll be grown up. It goes in a flash. Do it while you are young. You make Things.
This is a decision that you need to make with your head not your heart!
I have 3 kids with the same age gap as yours (they're teens now). We toyed with the idea of having a 4th when our youngest was a baby, obviously we decided against it. As the years have gone by, I have felt more and more relieved that we chose to stop at 3 and there's a multitude of reasons for that.
Main reason being finances. I would never have predicted how expensive things would get when my kids were still 3 and under. When they start school and extra curricular activities you really notice it, then when they hit puberty and start high school, you notice it again! The cost of living has gone absolutely nuts in the last 10 years as well so I'd hate to think what it'll look like in the next 10...
Second reason being logistics. Even with only 3 kids there always seems to be a schedule conflict. One kid might have soccer on Saturday morning, the other might have swimming, the third has their best friends birthday party and sometimes there's only one parent available at the time.
Sometimes that happens with 3 equally important events. Soon enough it's 3 kids who all work part time and need to be at work at the same time but none of them have their licence yet. It can be impossible to navigate at times.
The final and probably most defining reason being the emotional and mental load.
As they get older, things become less physically demanding but they start needing you more on an emotional level. Their problems can no longer be solved by a cuddle from mummy. As an example, All 3 of my kids have been moody, hormonal monsters either simultaneously or in quick succession, we've gone through times where all 3 kids were dealing with bullies at school, we've gone through countless other social issues, we've done 3 high school transitions and now we're at the point where we are supporting our kids through major, future impacting decisions!
This is where I've never been more thankful I don't have a 4th kid to worry about. I wouldn't be able to guide and support my children at the level I do now if there was 4 of them.
I agree with this 💯.
Don't do it.
I personally wouldn’t do it. I have 3 and definitely thought about having a 4th but decided against it. I am so happy I decided not to have a 4th for many reasons.
Can I ask what some of those reasons are if you are willing to share?
Honestly I feel the older they get the more expensive it gets.
It’s hard to make time for each child individually.
With 3 kids there is so many activities and it’s a juggle.
I think if it’s what you really want then have a 4th I have a 15,13, 9 yr old.
I don’t think it helped having a 4 yr gap, and starting all over that was the hard part for me (Was a different relationship).
But honestly I am soooo glad I stopped at 3.
Best of luck with whatever you decide x.