Not in relationship with the dad. He wants shared care. Bubs will be born late May.
How do you share time with them with such a young baby who needs mum, feeds etc.
He thinks he can have 50 50. Hes not intelligent lol.
How did others organise how to share their baby ?
I feel scared. He thinks he can take a baby in a front pack while riding skate boards etc. Yes hes that dumb.... i fear for the babies saftey in care of someone that has no idea whats right and wrong.
Help?
21 Replies
Sounds like he's messing with you, things will be different when baby comes along, guaranteed.
Short visits often would be best.
Maybe on his way home from work a couple of days a week he calls in and helps with bath time, that's good bonding.
Comes over weekend, after feed takes bubs for a walk for a couple of hours.
Use him and his time to have a rest, shower etc. it could be a positive thing.
When my son was a baby, his dad would take him fishing with him in the pram.
You don’t! No way! Your baby needs mum. Allow him to visit and be part of the babies life that way until the baby is older. Do not allow this.
No no no!!!! Your baby is not a toy. Do not let him take your baby. He has a lot of growing up to do. Definitely never let him take this baby out of your sight. Your baby isn’t even here yet and you are concerned for the babies safety. Listen to your gut Mumma. Once that baby is here, you will get it and understand so much more. This isn’t a doll he is playing with. No need for shared care at all. Set certain days of the week he can visit or nights he can stay in the spare room and help but never on his own.
What they said above, he does short frequent visits. Then as baby can go longer he can take them longer, working up to overnights.
As for his choices, this is the bullshit part, he gets to muck up and you have to keep a record, basically build a case and have people decide when enough is enough. So get a notebook or a spare email address and log every single incident, time date facts witnesses. The better that is, the quicker you’ll be able to sort it out.
You don’t and you don’t have to. You let that baby go and you will live to regret your decision. I really hope this baby changes him for the better.
I went through this, although he wasn’t making ridiculous claims of shared care and dumb activities.
If he is making those ridículos suggestions in text, keep them in case you need them later.
We had set times through out the week, where he’d come and spend time with the baby and participating in care, built to taking baby for a walk etc. this was the set up recommended by legal advice to both of us.
You sound very young and as you go, you will learn so much. You need to get yourself a good support network of family around you, who can help support you here and back you up with these decisions of saying No, to this if you aren’t strong enough or he dictates to you because you do not have to let him have shared care. Get a support network to help you through the early days of being a new mum. It’s the most amazing and beautiful time of your life but it can be tough too. You don’t want to make any decisions or let him take the baby based on how you are feeling at the time, even when you may feel like it’s the easiest option for a break, it’s not and he isn’t the person to be looking after your baby when there is a safety risk. Always have limited and set supervised visits. Yes he is the father and entitled to be the father and in the babies life but safely and under supervision. Document everything for future reference in case it ever comes to court. Keep everything in writing regarding the safety risk. He has a big wake up call coming.
I'm not a first time mum. However its been a lomg time since my last baby. My youngest is 12.....
It is my 1st baby while not being in a relationship with the dad. It was a toxic relationship and enoughs enough and i broke up before I even knew i was pregnant.
He insists to have time with the baby. A relationship with baby. Wants to help. But I cant stand being around him and he stresses me and my other kids out with how he is. If he disagrees with something he yells. I kick him out when he does this. He slaps his teenager when he does something stupid. I bring it up that hes not to lay a finger on this baby. He says he wont clip his son over head again but he does do it again ! Hes not someone to prethink before he acts. Gets carried away. I dont want him around me during pregnancy or after.
I dont want him staying at my house either when bubs is here. I dont want him here too often or dictating when he sees bub.
He tells me to express milk when he has her. I dont even know if that will be easy or possible yet. Not impressed to be told what to do to accomodate him.
He will treat it like a ragdoll and toy.
I want them to know each other but i'm main carer..... no court would allow 50 50 so young i know this.
I've just never been in situation of sharing a baby so young. He doesnt even buy stuff for his house or car to even have a baby visit stay etc. I have provided and paid for everything. Hes a manchild.
Cut him off then and speak to him when you have the baby.
Don’t then. Cut him off, keep firm boundaries, and make him get supervised visits, often just making him sort it out is too much work for him.
You need to write down all of these incidents - hitting his sons head, shouting and being asked to leave your home/ banned from your home, upsetting your kids and yourself.
But put it in his court first to go to court to arrange his supervision - he may well never bother to do it.
The alternative is to leave now while you’re pregnant and disappear.
If you've ever thought about moving now is the time to do it, he won't be able to stop you while you're pregnant.
The way I read it, she has two older children he has with her and there's a 12 year gap between this pregnancy and the last one. If there's court orders for the older children, she cannot move without consent.
Is he the father of the older children?
I find it strange you would allow yourself to get pregnant to a man you very clearly do not want to be involved with in terms of his current 50/50 arrangement with the older children.
You should get legal advice going forward, because if what you say is correct and all your children are his, then you already know his experience with the older ones and this is not your first rodeo.
If you have custody orders for the other children, you cannot move without his consent so please don't think just because you're pregnant, you can do that.
Just analysing everything you've said indicates you have a lot to work on vs. you've created some personal doubt in your maturity/his maturity and explanation that his parenting experience with your older children has been inconsistent since birth, implying this has been an unstable relationship the entire time you've known each other resulting in 3 births with the last 2 children being 12 years apart.
See a lawyer. Facebook will be brutal if you decide not to edit your post in it's entirety.
Are you able to start mediation before baby is born?
I can't move i have 2 older kids 💕
Then Cut him off and don’t let him know a thing. Tell him when the bay is born and let him visit once a week. Stop having contact with him
My older kids are not his.
I do have a parenting order in place for older 2 which is why i can not move etc and i wouldnt move i love living where we are.
I'm not in a relationship with father to be of this unborn bub.
It was not a planned pregnancy and he insisted many many times he was infertile....
I believed this ( stupid i know ) i also had probs with my own reproductive system.
But alas. This pregnancy happened.
It was a shock. We already broke up. We were only together a yr and a half. I realised it was not a healthy relationship with many factors. We dont live together .
He wants relationship just because i am having his baby.
I disagree. I was not happy in the relationship for multiple reasons .
I ended it because of them but not long after found out surprised pregnancy.
I did think about terminating many times but couldnt bring myself to do that. It'd make life easier possibly but still i couldnt kill this growing bub that had no fault in this.
My other kids are excited.
I want to be the main carer. I dont want to throw a baby around 2 houses. I want a stable home which i have.
I just dont know how to navigate sharing a baby when i dont want him often in my home around me. I hate hearing him talk shit and he never listens . Its not healthy for me to be around him. I get really stressed anxious and hate it. I know i have to work on this to not be stressed and pass that onto baby.
I do appreciate the feedback given with an hour here or there and help with baths etc. Thankyou to those who suggested those things.
As for facebook why do i have to edit ??
I'm not sure why that poster said that, your original question is to the point. How do you share care of a newborn? I would probably just add that you don't feel comfortable with him in your home as he can be controlling.
Cut him off then and only contact him when you need to such a baby has been born If you don’t want him there. Stipulate times or days and stick to it. If not
Cut him off for good .
If you’re not happy with him in your house you need to set strict boundaries and stick to them. Strict rules - no raised voice, no slammed doors, no name calling, throwing things etc etc. no warnings, if you do this behaviour in my house then you will not be welcome back.
You can have a witness there whenever he is. Or you can say no from the get go and he will have to sort out custody and take the baby to his or his mums or if you have grounds he will need to arrange a supervised centre - you both go at the time booked, they do handovers and supervise his time so you have no contact at all. It costs a fair whack for each visit, but that’s on him. It’s the safety of your baby - you don’t want them bounced around houses, that is the smallest problem if he has problems making good decisions and behaving well around kids.
Only commenting on the Facebook part. You have shared clarifying comments here which aren't in your original post. People don't/won't necessarily click through to the post when it is shared to read your clarifying info so the previous poster was meaning that you should edit your original post to include the clarifying info such as:
- you're not a first time mum
- you're in a position where you can't move due to the parenting agreement for your older kids
- the "Dad" has shown abusive/irresponsible behaviour with his older kids
Etc
As your OP comes across like you are very young, first timers etc