Id like to heard from mums (and dads).who have grown up without a father. What is life like? Did you feel you were missing out on anything by not having a father figure?
The reason I ask is I have a 1yr old baby girl who's father walked out before she was born. He blocked me on everything. Doesn't pay child support. Has no interest in being a part of her life. I feel so much guilt for this ( because he wanted an abortion and I refused) I hope her life will not be hard because of this. I have great male friends and my father is still around so she does have men in her life, but will that be enough?
Im single obviously and think about trying to find a partner for her sake to take on that father figure role hopefully, but im actually quite content on my own. I had a toxic marriage and like not having to answer to anyone now..I like that I can do anything I want and if I don't clean up at the end of the day I won't be yelled at, but would life be easier for my daughter if I find a man willing to take her on as a step parent?
10 Replies
As a single mum, you need to gain some perspective. This isn’t the 1950s. Families are made up in all different ways now, 1 dad, no mum, 2 dads, 2 mums etc! Your daughter will be okay and have a great life.
Would it be a bonus and nice if her biological dad was in the picture, sure. But should you be this worried about it, no.
Do not look for a replacement dad for her. It will do more harm than good. That’s the wrong way to approach future relationships and will open the door to a bunch of creeps!
What matters is healthy male roll models and your daughter has that. It’s better she sees people treat her and her mum well than sees a deadbeat dad who treats you both badly.
I think it’s a good idea to speak to someone (a psychologist) about how you are feeling because it sounds like you are in danger in acting in a way that would be unhealthy for you and your daughter and you could benefit from gaining some perspective on the situation.
If he wanted you to get an abortion he obviously didn’t want a child with you or at that point in his life. Unfortunately for him, he misses out on one of the best experiences of life, being a parent.
And no I don’t think you should find a man to take on that father figure role in her life, that’s the wrong way to go about future relationships. She will be fine, she’s better off with no father over one that never wanted her and it has nothing to do with you or her but some weakness in him, not a man at all but sounds like a boy
I’m a single mum (I grew up with a lovely father) and also felt the same, I’d love for them to have that love and security. The thing you have to realise though, is that as long as they have love and security they will be OK.
I also enjoy single parenting and love our life and I’m not convinced yet a new man would add to that more than the stress it would bring. Me and my mental health is definitely more important than replacing a father figure for them - you just can’t replace what they have, their story of their dad will remain and will always be it for them. Any step dad will always be just that, a step with its own separate story.
Look for a man for yourself if that’s what you want, keep your standards high for them, but take care of you as you and what you bring for them right now is so much more important than any partner you bring in.
For the first half of my life, as a young child, I grew up without a father. I have really good memories of my mum and who she was and I recall a few guys she casually dated over the years. Mum had adult friends and a lot of the other family’s had a dad that really looked out and cared for me as a young girl. My mum had a great relationship with my pop and we saw him often and he was amazing teaching us things a male would have taught us. I have wonderful memories of that time.
Once my ‘stepfather’ came into the scene that’s about where the good memories stopped. I was about 9-10 at the time.
Mum got a husband, she desperately wanted a ‘father’ for us… she had a few more kids and that’s where all the good memories really stopped for me. My step father was abusive (all the kinds of abuse) and mum sacrificed the happiness, love and safety of us older kids for ‘security’ and ‘keeping’ her ‘family’ together.
My stepfather damaged the relationship with my mum and my pop, I don’t know what happened apart from a huge fight between my stepfather and my pop but soon after they got together pop disappeared from our lives.
The friends my mum had stopped coming over, and many years and years later most of the friends mum re-connected with have said they stopped coming because of my stepfather and thinking his behaviour around us girls was ‘odd’ and didn’t want his influence around their own daughter.
By 15 I’d been kicked out of home, largely due to this being what my stepfather wanted as I was no use to him anymore.
My relationship with my mother is still damaged, my full siblings bonds were broken, we were played off against each other and forced to ‘not be like the one that just left’, at 15 I was the eldest to get kicked out of home. My oldest sibling was 14, my youngest sibling was 13….. all forced into leaving either to protect ourself or because it’s what my stepfather wanted.
I feel that my mum would have been much happier and a better parent if she wasn’t focused on trying to find us older kids a ‘father’. She was going okay without a man. I’m sure she was lonely but she was just so strong and kind and loving. She lost all of that thinking she was doing right finding us a ‘dad’.
Out of my full siblings I am the only one to talk to mum occasionally. However none of us full siblings talk to each other.
Of my half siblings:
1x only talks to my stepfather (their biological father) but not mum,
1x has nothing to do with either parent
1x talks to both parents
2x only have a relationship with my mum but not their father.
I only talk to 1 half sibling, and occasionally the 2 that only talk to mum, and the 1 that only talks to my stepfather doesn’t talk to any of us.
It’s messed up 😫
This is just my story, I’m sure other kids have grown up with exceptional stepfathers and have beautiful relationships with them.
But for me, I wish my mum never settled for the sake of give me a father I never wanted anyway.
It will be enough. I've never known my bio father. I had lovely relationships with my Grandad and uncle. My mother remarried when I was 10, and her husband became "Dad" to us. I do remember the day when my brother and I asked him if we could call him that!
A loving parent is what children need, whether that's mum or dad, both or adoptive it doesn't matter. Your child will not be harmed by not having a "Dad".
I grew up without a dad. He was an alcoholic dead beat, in and out of jail all that jaz. My mum never kept me from anything or hide anything from me, she did keep me safe and away from him but whenever I asked questions, she answered them honestly and in a way I could handle it at the age I was when I asked. My mum is a very strong independent women! She's a boss mum but also had her own issues around it. My brother didn't cop with it well but I did, every child is different in the way they handle things. Eventually my mum found someone else when I was around 9 and she's been with him since, I'm 33 😊 he's my dad! I call him dad and when he turned 50 for his birthday present I changed me last name legally to his because he had been there and he had supported me so he deserved at least that much! He's also never had kids himself.
I can tell you in some instances growing up it was hard for me! Especially before my dad came into my life. Fathers day stalls give me anxeity still! It was difficult for me when my friends had their dads pick them up from school or I went to a birthday party and I seen how my friends interacted with their dads, I'd always come home and ask mum questions about my dad and why he couldn't be like them, I honestly don't know how she handled it most days.
Now I'm a single mum with a son who had a dad just like mine, I completely understand her on a different level! It's really not about growing up without a dad it's about helping your child go through those challenges and being able to help them remain strong and interoperate those feelings positively! Knowing my mum loved me and would do anything for me and having her give me the appropriate information when I needed it helped me immensely! Even knowing what my dad was like and having truthful i formation when I was 6 or 7 helped me when I was 15 - 16 and even 20 - 21 when I became a mum for the first time. Everything will be okay, you just have to deal with the hand you were dealt and move forward with life.
I didn't come from a family if separated parents but I have a 10 year old son whose father walked out 8 years ago. I have my Dad, brothers and friends who I see as wonderful male role models for my son and he has not missed out on anything, there is always one of these wonderful men at any fathers day events and his teachers have always been aware and checked who to make cards etc for.
My view is kids don't get the choice sometimes who to have in their life and this poor excuse of a man has made that choice for you and her and done you a favour.
I've had hard conversations where my son has asked and I've always been honest and said his father made the choice not to be part of our lives and that's sad for him but we have so many other people who love and care for us.
You are more than enough Mumma, she won't miss anything.
I love reading these responses that kids are ok without the dad. My child is 15 and has no interest in wanting to know or even meet bio dad. Bio dad made minimal effort in the past. I asked the psychologist if it’s normal for a child to not want to know bio dad. She said absolutely, they are a stranger so they can not be missed especially if there is other male role models filling that role. In our case there is uncles, grandads and my partner of 6 years. I have reassured my child that it is ok to not to want to know bio dad if that’s what they want and that they don’t need to feel guilty about that because society thinks they should. And that if they want to start a relationship later on with bio dad I am happy to help get it started.
Firstly I would like to applaud you for choosing your child over him. I went through this a couple of years ago. Living together and he told me if I didn’t abort he wouldn’t be there. Then once I said I would he loved me again. I didn’t want to do it. Covid was in full swing and I went alone. I cried the whole time. Couldn’t even tick the box to agree. I begged him to let me know if I could leave and come home. He wouldn’t answer. I cried going under and cried as I woke up. The doctor said I cried even when under. I’m still with him but I’m broken. I wish I had your strength. Don’t worry about him. Your love is enough ❤️
Firstly I would like to applaud you for choosing your child over him. I went through this a couple of years ago. Living together and he told me if I didn’t abort he wouldn’t be there. Then once I said I would he loved me again. I didn’t want to do it. Covid was in full swing and I went alone. I cried the whole time. Couldn’t even tick the box to agree. I begged him to let me know if I could leave and come home. He wouldn’t answer. I cried going under and cried as I woke up. The doctor said I cried even when under. I’m still with him but I’m broken. I wish I had your strength. Don’t worry about him. Your love is enough ❤️