I need some advice (sorry for the long story)....I've been struggling with my partner for two years. We have a disagreement, he binge drinks, I get angry, we argue, cycle continues. We have a 2 year old and I'm worried about how the arguing is going to affect her. I will toot my own trumpet and say I am a good mum! I want her to know she's always loved and can come to me when she needs support - something I feel I didn't have growing up. He is a good dad when he doesn't drink but his drinking is getting worse. He lies to me, blames me for his drinking, accuses me of cheating for no apparent reason except for what I see are his insecurities. He's admitted to having a drinking problem and has said it apprehensively at two counselling sessions. I've threatened to leave so many times but I keep giving more and more chances because I hope that he'll put in the work, for my daughter's sake, mainly. Yesterday, he told our counsellor that he has some contacts for alcoholic groups etc., Then he came home and drank, and skipped work today and drank. He also drink drives and I wish every time that the cops would catch him. My biggest fear with leaving is that he's going to get her 50% of the time and I won't be there to monitor his actions, and he'll probably find a woman who enables his drinking. I spoke to one of the educators at our daycare and asked for their perspective. She was really supportive but basically said that I should pull my big-girl pants up if there is any doubt about leaving because the grass isn't always greener. She meant well and it sounds like very good advice, but I'm not sure how much more I can handle. I'd like to hear others perspectives. How hard is it to deal with an ex partner having your child when you know they're not capable like you are? Any advice on helping a partner with a drinking problem? Is it something he has to figure out on his own?
Do I stay and tolerate it, or do I leave and lose her part time?
Do I stay and tolerate it, or do I leave and lose her part time?
Posted in:
Relationships & Marriage, Self Care
5 Replies
Go to a woman’s shelter and find out how to do this properly the first time. Because you need to report the drinking problem and have that all on record before you break up, then you won’t have to put your child through custody with an alcoholic. Finding out what’s happening and proving it’s beyond passable and it’s ongoing and all of that is so much harder after you’ve split, child will pay.
Drawing the line is the best thing you can do. The message ‘this is not ok and I will not tolerate it’ is the best move. If you don’t, he ignores all the words and you saying you know it’s not ok and the bar just keeps being lowered. If you do, he sees action and feels losing his wife, his kid, and he either makes changes for the better for you all or he doesn’t and you and your daughter come out in the safest, sanest shape you can when through this.
Film his constant drinking then use it in court . You'll have to stay on until u get all the evidence you need to support the best interests of your daughter .
Leave and I’m sure he will get help in your absence if he wants you and your daughter back. He won’t get shared care if he is an alcoholic and maybe you should ring the police when he drives and give him a wake up call, it will also be on his record if he ever went for 50/50 but I doubt he will. Best thing is pack up leave and see if he can change after losing you both.
First of all, I want you to disregard any advice your daycare provider gave you and in future thats probably not the person I would go to for relationship advice because she's not in a position to give you that support. I agree that she probably did mean well but her giving any sort of personal opinion about what you should do in terms of leaving/staying was unprofessional and inappropriate, especially given her position as a mandated reporter.
I have worked in that industry, you don't ever put your two cents in like this for a multitude of reasons.
What I would recommend (as someone who grew up around a lot of alcoholics, I have a long family history of alcoholism in fact)
I'd think about getting some individual counselling for yourself and id be inclined to get some legal support now, whether that be legal aid or a private family lawyer. If you were to separate, I think you'd have a real case to fight for supervised visitation, even if that's just a temporary thing until he is adequately sober.
There are also a lot of support services for family members of addicts, that would be a fantastic resource for you as well I feel.
I wish you and your daughter all the very best going forward, whatever going forward entails.
Yes he has to figure this out on his own. He has to hit rock bottom until then he won't do anything about it. You cannot help him. This is 100% his problem to fix. And I say this as an alcoholic who has been sober for just over 3 years. Alcoholics suck. When we are using we are the same as any other addict. We lie, we manipulate and we use the people around us. Enabling him is enabling him to slowly kill himself. Let him if that is what he wants but don't play his stupid little game.
When you know he is drink driving report it to the police, everytime. Hopefully he gets caught.
Document his drinking problem. Speak to a women's shelter about the best way to document things (or a lawyer). Start getting your ducks on a row to break this relationship. Get some counselling for yourself from an addiction specialist if possible.
Once you have the required documentation give him an ultimatum. Get help or get out. 99% chance he won't get help so make him get out. Do not put up with this crap. You deserve better and so does your daughter.