We have just started a relationship with my husbands adult daughter (short story…he didn’t know she was his daughter until well into her teens and they lived away). Surprise, paternity test and it’s a positive.
Except she comes with LOTS of ’stuff’ from her life with her mother. There’s trauma, moving heaps and other siblings from other fathers with drugs, violence etc.
She now has her own children and seems ok but there are red flags of ‘why didn’t you find me’, ‘you replaced me’…he didn’t know.
We are struggling emotionally, our kids are reluctant, we don’t know how to do this? Help.
How do I deal with this?
How do I deal with this?
Posted in:
Relationships & Marriage, Health & Wellbeing, Kids
5 Replies
As the daughter in a very similar situation, you need to allow her space to feel her emotions. They definitely are not red flags though, just as I’m sure your husband feels let down he didn’t know about her sooner. Growing up in a dysfunctional household she’s probably feeling like he could have “saved” her if they’d known. My bio dad has made it very clear he doesn’t want a relationship with me or my children and we don’t have a relationship with my mum or step dad. It breaks my heart that my kids won’t have my parents, any of them and that I’ll never meet my siblings from my dad and his wife, that I’ll never get have dinner with them or see how much of me I got from him.
You’re allowed to be upset and confused and scared. So is she. So are your kids. This is big and scary. But if you do anything moving forward please do so with grace and if need be family therapy. I’d do anything to know my dad.
I’m sorry your Dad doesn’t want to have a relationship with you as well as your mum. You must be so strong and have lots of love to give your own kids…you never know one day your siblings may reach out. I don’t have anything to do with my parents (still together, live near me, and pretty much their lifestyle choices and their choice) but it makes me sad that my kids won’t know them. I’m reaching out to my husbands daughter gently, slowly and although confused, he is ok. He talks to her via email and has chatted on the phone a few times too. He’s uncomfortable but ok.
The ‘red flags’ I meant as making us aware that things won’t be smooth and there is a lot to work through….and yes therapy is on the cards. My own kids are just shocked. As are we….protective and cautious.
Thank you for your reply and I hope you are ok.
I would just start out with your husband building a relationship with her, no need for the kids to be involved at this stage.
Your husband and his daughter have a lot to catch up on and issues to resolve.
Later, when they are solid, you and the kids can become involved.
I would keep a distance and let your husband deal with her and be firm with her. Don’t let this affect your marriage and family now. I’d say she will keep going with the poor me attitude. Best to wipe her out of your lives if she keeps going. it wasn’t his fault and if she had an respect she wouldn’t put this on him. Yes I understand her hurt but she would be happy she has him in her life now and understand that he didn’t know. If she can’t let it go then let her go.
I imagine her spending years of having her mind poisoned against her dad by her mum, as well as trauma from what sounds like a pretty unstable childhood, then finding out she had a dad who (theoretically, in her mind) could have saved her from that would cause a lot of grief and anger to hit. Is it misplaced? Yes. Should she get therapy? Definitely. Maybe he can help her with that?