Overwhelming grief? Suggestions for coping?

I lost my husband last January. He had a massive coronary right next to me. We’ve been dealing with a lot. I have a 13 year old son with him. He didn’t have life insurance. I had to fight for my house because the mortgage was in his name everything that could happen, and it did happened last year, today was our 13th year wedding anniversary as well as Valentine’s Day. This is the second time I’ve been widowed I’m 48 years old. The first time I was widowed I lost my husband of 17 years due to diabetes and Renal failure. He suffered for four long years. We had a 16 year-old at the time of his death I remarried shortly afterwards, we knew and were best friends for 15 years married for 12.we shared a 13 year old son. my second husband was my adult love and my soulmate. It’s been harder this time around because his death was more sudden. He knew he was terminal but he kept it to himself and didn’t tell anybody. I didn’t learn his illness was there and terminal until a month before he died. The way he died. Was he was sick with liver failure, and then he died of Covid two days later, today I had a low point once again I don’t know how to deal with my grief. My first husband was different. I grieved while he was dying ,this time since it was more sudden I’m not sure how to deal with it. I’ve isolated myself the last year my son has as well (he’s homeschooled) we have never been close to family the only family we were close to was my husband‘s father, who passed away last year as well in August , it physically hurts to cry I’m not a crier I’m the strong one. I didn’t even cry during his funeral some say I’m going through shock. Which is something I didn’t experience with my first husband‘s death. My son is extremely smart. He tells me to get it out and cry he’s going to therapy as well. How do I make the pain stop I don’t want it. I had to deal with this death, has so many different levels I had to file bankruptcy. I had to keep my my house. I had to change the vehicle over in his name he didn’t have life insurance like my first husband, so the financial impact has been tough to mention I got scammed online by September I myself have diabetes type one and I lost a to. It had to be amputated. I had to go through IV antibiotics for 6 weeks I also had to turn around. I was in a coma for a week and half due to kiatosis in June when it’s all began before the toe got infected to the bone,my son had to call 911. I have no family around me that can help literally on my own, like I said I’m seeking therapy. I just don’t know what else to do. It’s not passing. I constantly hear I can’t imagine losing two husbands, I can’t imagine how hard it is or what you must feel like you’re strong you’re amazing that’s not helping me cope.!!!! I’ve had three deaths this year all different my grandmother passed away of old age. I wasn’t able to attend because I had a pick line for the IV anabiotic‘s and I couldn’t receive the infection during my father-in-law‘s service. I couldn’t attend because I was having my toe amputated during my husband’s service in January. I was in a fog so I might as well have not been there.