Hello everyone, I'm not a parent yet, so I hope this isn't scandalous for me to be on this platform. I really want to be a parent though! I'm 26 years old and I'm high functioning autistic. I pretty much lead a normal life, but have some trouble with socialization and executive function. I struggle to work 40 hours a week, which has historicly meant for me that either I have to work about 30 hours a week or less, or I have to take a coupal long breaks from work during the year. I've created a career for myself doing seasonal hospitality work that peaks in the summer and winter, so I've built those breaks into the spring and fall. It's been a really successful solution for me to be able to live independantly. I do have some struggles with managing money though. I'm really good at saving for a period of a few months or so, but then inevatably my car breaks down or I burn out and have to spend money for a while with no income, so I end up breaking even. The idea of a budgeting plan sounds impossible, though I'm not against the idea of finding a better way to learn than the googling I've tried. If anyone has sugestions to that let me know. But any success I have with money is just because I'm good at not spending it on stupid things and live bellow my means.
While this way of living works fine for me right now, I really really want to have kids. I still have plenty of time before that would become challanging do to my age, so I'm not in some sort of rush, but I don't want to end up being 35 deciding to have kids then and realizing that I should've started planning how I would make it work years earlier. So I'm asking now so I can hopefully figure it out! I know my lifestyle would have to change. I make quite a good wage for having no post-high school education, but I'm not sure if it would be able to support a baby considaring I never find myself with extra spending money. I currently live in dorms provided by my work, which means it's cheap and I share a room with someone else, and families aren't allowed. I have very supportive parents and a very supportive best friend, who would all allow me to live with them for a more affordable option then getting an apartment (which I have never been successful in doing even just by myself), but don't want to put that kind of responsability on them. I would obviously pay rent and stuff, but that seems like a huge thing to saddle them with regardless. I'm not against that idea, but wonder if that wouldn't be fair to either my parents or my best friend or the potential baby.
I've dated people before, but I'm not considering a potential future husband in the picture because to be honest I just haven't had much interest in having someone around like a partner, and don't want to bank on magicly finding someone I'm interested in like that and him being this savior who makes all this possible. If that happens then cool, but if I count on that happening then I might never have kids if it never happens.
Right now I'm just reaching out to anyone I can and seeing if there's any advice that would work for me! Is there anyone else on the autism spectrum who has successfully had kids? Or even if you're not ASD, is there anything you would maybe have advice for me about?
3 Replies
I have ASD and mum to one adult son. I know plenty of people on the spectrum who have children.
It’s more about how you set up your life and why support systems you have in place to support you.
Relying on living with a friend or family should really be your emergency option, not the main option. Things in family and friend dynamics change, and it sounds lovely in theory but having a baby crying and keeping the house awake can make things tense!
It’s really how you can adjust and prepare your life now. Also understanding what supports you are entitled (Centrelink etc) and the rental market etc.
Create a to do list, what do you need to change in order to be the parent you want to be. Part time work might be very achievable if you are able to top up income with Centrelink payments.
I get you might want to be a single parent (and I’m not opposed) but please do read up on donor conceived children/adults and there perspective before going down that route, take into account costs involved with treatments etc for that. Do not go get some unsuspecting one night stand to knock you up. It’s not fair to them or the child.
I am ASD and hubby is ADHD, we have two kids with ASD/ADHD. One is now an adult and successfully living independently. They have brought hubby and I much joy. Kids are hard work, and kids with a diagnosis add extra challenges, but I wouldn't change it for the world.
Our lives can be stressful but we manage obstacles as a team, and when i tell my hubby I'm overwhelmed he steps in to support me, and I do the same for him.
It's not about finding someone that can make it all happen but finding someone you enjoy spending time with, that makes you laugh, someone that doesn't drain your cup. Then together you find a way to make it work.
Autistic people who are diagnosed and own their autism and accept the way their awesome brains work can make great parents. It’s the undiagnosed/in denial autistic parents that are likely to eff up their kids. It’ll be hard for you because parenting is hard for everyone but I believe in you