This is a long one and if you can make it through reading it I would very much appreciate your advice. It’s also very jumpy.
8years ago I met a guy and his daughter (3yo) I took her on and I have raised her. In 2020 he and I had a child together and now everything has come to light regarding his behaviour. I noticed before we had child this but i have noticed so much more! He is so lazy, he expects me to do everything with no help and support while he sits down and stares at phone. His daughter is feeling so neglected by him and left out and his son is acting out trying to get his attention also. I Have had to ask my step daughter to help with jobs aroud the house because I cannot do it all and hse is happy to help which is great.
Over the years the only financial support I have gotten from him is rent once a fortnight and that’s literally it for 2 children. I have raised both financially on 3 days a week work (as that’s all I can do given I’m carer) he works 5 days and gets the same amount of income that I do.
He will mow maybe once every couple months. He won’t help with rubbish or dishes. He leaves his bottles and cans laying around hosue. Won’t do laundry or put clothes away. Won’t spend time with kids.
We heve been building a home together and we have recently split because I couldn’t tolerate it any more. It was effecting me so much and effecting my kids so much. They feel like they walk on eggshells and since we split they heve both been so much happier and better behaved and o have been able to be the mum I want to be..
But the issue is the way he acts around them. He is so rude and horrible towards me when I am trying to be civil for the kids. He asks each day if he can come over to see the kids and I always say yes to allow them to see him but they are miserable hwen he comes becuaee he doesn’t do anything with them Jsut sits on his phone or sits outside. Our current arrangement is when I’m at work he will be here to supervise the kids but the thing that peeves me off is that the kids and he creates such a mess it gets left for me to clean up.
I have been organising him food for dinner when he is here but he’s been so rude with what it is. I’m always asking what he might want and hr always says he doesn’t care but then gets angry with what is supplied.
He calls me a pathetic mother and lazy becuaee the house is lived in. I clean it multiple times a week (it’s actually very clean)
I am struggling at moment becuaee o can’t figure out how I’m going to pay for rent and mortgage and moving costs on my single wage.
I Jsut don’t onwo how to keep this amicable when I’m getting blamed for it all and stories twisted to make me the bad one and how he treats me infrotn of kids. I am struggling to keep brave face infront of kids I keep having to leave room when he leaves of go cry because of what’s been said. My 12 yo isn’t stupid and is seeing the effect it had and her diary entries have been so gloomy :( I was thinking I should go get lawyers involved becuase I need child support but I am so scared of loosing my step daughter. Without me she has no one. Her mum is out of picture and she wants to stay with me.
I can’t do counselling or mediation with him ac he is not willing to do any of that “crap”but I want ot keep it amicable but he’s making it so god dam hard! He’s picking and picking trying to cause fights (and is accusing me of causing fights when o ask him to stop and listen how he’s talking)
I have tried discussing my feelings and they always get brushed aside and not cared about.
He has never made any effort to show love towards me or appreciation. Zero affection over the years either.
I have no time off myslef cause he “can’t be bothered” looking after them so I can have some time. However he gets all the alone time becuaee he’s staying away from house. It’s always about him and him getting what he wants when he wants it.
7 Replies
Cut contact with him and make him go to court to see them. He is manipulating you. You are doing an amazing job! Finish the build and sell it. Stop allowing him to come over. No more! stop communicating with him. If he comes there angry call the police and get an avo. Cut him off and let him fight in court, chances are he won’t be bothered.
Problem is I risk loosing my step daughter as I have no legal stand with her. That’s reason I haven’t done this and honest I’m scared. I’m considering buying him out (he’s contributed max $100000 to house) so then the kids have their home. The hosue isn’t for him or I it’s for the kids
Pay him out and once she is old enough, she. CAn come and live with you. You have to think of your kids in this and cut ties with him. She knows where you are. Make it known to her She’s welcome anytime.
You’re doing too much… it’s time to stop and think about you. Let him take the kids elsewhere and take care of them. Say you are tired of the mess he leaves. Absolutely stop cooking for him… you’re separated. You continue to be the best mum you can and limit contact to only what is necessary. Keep it very quick and short don’t talk about anything besides the kids. As for her being your step child that is tough and I really hope others have some sound info and advice there. I would go through child support too… not because you’ll get any more money than not… because it takes that argument away and leaves no discussion there. I get $17 a month but it’s no longer an argument I have to deal with or try to negotiate.
Contact a family law solicitor. I think you'll find you may have legal rights to your stepdaughter, given that you've been the main caregiver and also she's old enough to speak on her own behalf.
I'd stop having him come over, he can look after the kids elsewhere.
And get the finances sorted asap. Finances are based on assets & debts on the day of settlement, and what happened before doesn't come into it - so if you're separated for 3 years before settlement, any debts he racks up in that time are included in the *marital pool*.
Say NO. NO you’re not welcome in my house. NO I don’t need to hear your pathetic voice and stupid abusive words. NO Im not feeding you.
You are still giving him power, stop doing things fir him, stop allowing him in your home. He won't want to take the daughter cause he would have to care for her.
Separate properly, call centrelink and advise you are separated, get what you are entitled to and submit an assessment to child support. Go to mediation, if he doesn't attend you get a certificate stating he wouldn't.
Right now you are to scared for fear if losing your daughter but you are allowing the kids to still live in the same environment, you need to step up and put a stop to it to teach these kids that you don't accept this crap in life. Life will become easier and clearer without the burden of him. It's your home, he isn't welcome in it.