My husband and I have 3 kids. A boy and two girls. When my son was a baby my husband and I absolutely adored him. He’s now 8 and has the general attitude an 8 year old boy usually has. I’ve noticed since our girls came along that the dynamic has changed. I’m not sure if it’s that we feel our 8 year old should be more responsible or what but it’s like no one has time for him. And when he does something wrong he gets disciplined where as the girls often get away with a lot. His dad can be quite cruel and dismissive and I often pull him up.
I too have often been dismissive and it’s almost like he just lives here with people that don’t often show him love. I realise my actions and I’m trying to figure out how it’s come to this because I was that child also. The one that was in visable and often wasn’t told she was loved.
This morning I asked my son to do his reading for school and he replied with “I’m too dumb to do it” and I said no one told you were dumb your so smart and he just yelled. Dad always tells me I’m dumb. I asked my husband to talk to him and he just made everything so much worse. When we got to school he had been crying and said that he feels like no one loves him. I reassured him but I’m so concerned about his low self esteem and the effects of not feeling loved for however long it’s been.
I’ve cried all day worrying about my beautiful son that’s feeling this way. Trying to figure out how to move forward and show him the genuine love and support his sisters are shown. Do I need to leave my husband? At this point I’m not sure he will change his parenting technique as that’s how he was raised.
13 Replies
Aww poor beautiful boy. I think you need to leave your husband at home more with the girls and take your little boy for special days out, just the 2 of you. A child psychologist will help your son also. Why don’t you take him out for dinner tonight and treat him. Then go to the shop and let him pick a small treat or something. Make him feel special and chat to him just mum and son. I do this with each of my kids through out the month. They aren’t spoilt kids and I don’t tell them I will give them money to spend it anything. I just take them for dinner one at a time and then we walk around the shops or what ever and I will say do you like this top or pants or what ever and buy it. If I can’t afford it then I buy desert with dinner. Just treats they don’t always get and it’s all about the Quilty time together alone. Your little boy needs that. Then next time your husband can take him. If your husband keeps damaging him like this and not listening then you need to take a look at your next steps.
And make it be known that your husband is to NEVER tell him that he is dumb. I know it’s out of frustration but it will affect your little boy long term. My husband has called my son this once out of frustration and he won’t ever do it again, else id be gone.
Definitely time to start carving out some 1:1 time with him. Cuddles, I love you, and mum + son dates.
I’d start being really mindful of parenting fairly, and that means disciplining all the kids when they need it. It’s not fair to any of the kids to create this dynamic.
You are going to have to work hard and be super mindful of your behaviour. It’s good that you’ve caught this now, before the teen years.
Talk to his teachers about how he is doing at school and be honest about home life.
If your husband won’t shape up, he will need to get out.
It’s not something reassuring him once will fix. This is your reminder to change your behaviours. Daily words, make the effort to touch and hug, make the effort to give him choices and do things just with him. It’s easy to cater to the little ones so they’re happy and he’s old enough not to kick up a fuss, but it’s not ok to treat him that way and you know it from loved experience. It takes effort to change it.
Take him out of school for a day and spend one on one time with him. Take him out to his favourite place for lunch. When he asks why, tell him because you want to remind him that you love him and that you are always there for him. Let him open up and talk. Repair your relationship first. Do not defend his father's behaviour, just listen. Be the one person there for him. We automatically treat our sons differently for some reason but it's so darn wrong. There is still time for you to try to work on this. You have only failed if you do not try to fix it.
Do not pathologise your sons feelings by seeking a Psychologist unless he wants one or it will probably make him feel there is definitely something wrong with him! Own your own behaviour and then push your husband to own his crappy behaviour and work on your relationship. Maybe you could seek help with family counselling if things do not improve and ensure you let your son know it's your issues and not his.
Agree, and anything good the psychologist did do, would be totally undone by the parents behaviour anyway.
The parents should be seeing a psychologist.
I was a parentified, emotionally neglected child.
My mother and I now? We don't even have a bad relationship, we have no relationship. She means as much to me as a stranger does.
That's your future if you don't make a change now. I'm not saying that to kick you while you're down, I'm saying that so you know that there will come a time where you're too late so you need to make a huge change now!
One thing that would go a long way in reparing my relationship with my mother is acknowledgement and a sincere apology. I will never get that but it's something you can do for your son. I actually think that will be an instrumental part of shifting this dynamic.
Sit him down and have a chat, I personally would say something like this:
"I've been having a think about what you told me the other morning before school and it made me realise that for a while now (don't blame his sisters coming along because the last thing you want is to do is give him more reasons to resent them) dad and I haven't been treating you fairly. I am really sorry that we did that and I am really sorry we made you feel sad and unloved.
I want you to know we love you so very much and we are going to make some changes so you don't feel like this again".
I think you'd benefit from some parenting classes, too. If you look at the language you used when your son said he was "too dumb" to do his readers, your first instinct was to respond reactively and dismissively (most likely out of frustration), ie, "no one told you you were dumb". That was a cry for help/attention and you blew him off.
You both need to start parenting from a more empathetic and emotionally mature place. You've also got to start holding all 3 kids to the same standard and being more reasonable and fair with discipline.There is absolutely no shame in getting some professional support if you don't really know how to do that.
Your husband really needs to get on board. Try to help him understand the damage he's causing! Does he want his son to grow up to become a cold, hardened, emotionally challenged man like he is because his own father was probably the same way OR does he want to break that cycle and help his son grow into a man who is in tune with his emotions and knows how to express them in healthy ways?
If he can't or won't do that, then yeah I'm sorry, he needs to be removed from the equation.
I got that too.
When he said he was too dumb, she didn't say, why would you say that?
Her first response was, "no one told you...."
It seemed like guilt, she knew where it came from, she didn't have to ask, but was defensive.
Well done for acknowledging the issue. Your husband sounds like a fucking prick. Wtaf- there’s way more to this story. That poor child. If he won’t change then get your children away. I get the sense you’ve been contemplating leaving.. how does he treat you & his daughters?
I could nearly have written this a few years ago, except my son is nearly 14 and very confident, and different personality. I spend 1 on 1 time with him regularly and we have a great relationship. Him and his dad butt head constantly and I can’t fix that, I just hope that one day their relationship gets better as adults and space
Start small. Put some time aside for him. My 10yo is the eldest of 4. We have us days where we ditch the other kids with dad and go and do something fun together. I make time to ask how his day was every day. What did he enjoy? What did he play at break time?
Work on changing your language and the way you ask him to do things. Do you use the same language you expect in return, please, thank you, general politeness. Work on reminding him daily of something he's good at 'I've noticed that you're really good at...' . Say good things about him to other people when he's in ear shot. Show interest (fake it til you make it) in things he's interested in or wants to tell you about.
I think sometimes our little people seem so grown up compared to younger siblings but they are still developing socially/emotionally. They need praise, reassurance, love, respect.