I have an 11 year old and a 9 year old.
I find these ages the hardest ages so far.
My 11 year old is moody, rude, whingy, always glass half empty. She doesn’t fall asleep before 10pm every night despite me trying all the usual. The only thing that helps is melatonin but it feels wrong her using it every night? Then she’s super tired in the mornings and I’m the one who cops it. She is just a negative person and it’s so draining.
My 9 year old is defiant, back chats, argues over every.single.thing. Everything is a argument. Absolutely everything.
We are so good to these girls. This week we’ve been out to dinner, we went on an impromptu drive to watch the sunset at the beach, we took them to the shops when they wanted to buy slime, we bought them take away for dinner. And they are SO ungrateful. The drive to the beach - after the sun had set and they played after dark at the beach we said it’s time to go and they carried on and argued the whole drive home that it wasn’t fair we had to leave. Tonight getting them take away, as they walked to the car I could hear them screaming and arguing about who was sitting in the front.
Like it’s too much.
I hate spending time with them and I hate even saying that but it’s the truth. They aren’t pleasant to be around, I can’t have a single decent conversation with them.
I miss them being young children. They were obsessed with each other, they were happy just going to the park etc
It feels like the more we do for them the more ungrateful they get.
Is it a matter of stripping it right back?
I feel like we have let this get too deep that nothing can help now.
6 Replies
Don't feel bad at all about the melatonin. It is a natural medicine and won't harm her in any way! It's very very normal for tweens/teens to go through a change in their sleep pattern, I'm not sure why they do it but almost all of them do. I think sleep before 10 is pretty good. It sounds like the 11 year old is having a fluctuation in hormones and you should probably strap in for the next few years as it can be rough, but I promise you she will come back to the person you know. The 9 Yr old is maybe feeding off the vibes in the house? But yes now is the time to start really laying down some rules, but also be prepared to compromise as things will start changing quickly (especially once they hit high school)
It truly is a scary and confusing time as our kids enter the next phase in their life. They probably won't be grateful until they are 25+! My advice is to have a few interests/hobbies of your own outside of your kids, they need to know they aren't the centre of the universe as that will create selfish behaviour.
Give the melatonin! It will improve everyone’s quality of life in the house. Poor kid must be exhausted
I felt the same way, make sure you are doing things together without the kids as it makes it easier to cope when you are with them lol.
Make sure you are not hyperfocused on the negative. I started making myself praise them at least once a day as I did not realise I had stopped. When they are little we are so excited by the little things they do and react with so much enthusiasm. We stop doing this.
I always tell my children I love them every day as I did not hear this as a child. But I forgot to give them praise. It only has to be the smallest thing. I started to notice a shift in my children straight away. I wanted to kick myself as their behaviour improved.
Remember what you feed grows. Feed them with praise, happiness and reflect that in your relationship with your husband as well. It's not about what activities you do with them, it's about how you make them feel 💗
Have they got phones or wifi at home? Number 1 cut these things off until they can show some respect! My son is like this with sleep, it’s caused by his anxiety and night time thinking. Lay with her and get her to talk to you and open up, could be more going on with her. Don’t buy them things but instead invest your time in doing things with them and listening to them with one on one time but no technology at all.
I could’ve written this. Me too sadly x you’re not alone.
I read most of the answers to this question on the fb page & was surprised at how many people are struggling.
I’m in the complete opposite boat , I absolutely adore this age. However, it’s a big change in parenting. They’re becoming their own person & you have to learn how to cohabitate & support them.
I don’t think taking them places & giving them what they want is enough. If anything, take that away. They’re still kids & they’re going to be ungrateful. However, you can put boundaries in place, support them emotionally & check in regularly that their needs are being meet.
We’ve used melatonin for about 18 months. We downsized significantly recently & have worked out that our child sleeps better with noise & knowing someone is awake till said child falls asleep. We’ve been able to wean off it. We’ve noted the triggers. Using Melatonin is perfectly fine but I’d try working towards what her triggers are & why she needs it. Is it anxiety? School? Too much stimulation before bed? Too much screen time before bed? Is the melatonin actually working if she’s still going to bed at 10pm? What’s her bedtime routine like ?
Can you get an alarm clock to wake her up in the morning? Does she have consequences for her poor behaviour in the morning?