I have a 20 yr old Son who at the age of 19 was diagnosed with end stage renal failure due to an auto immune disease, he is in need of a transplant. I am in the process of checking my suitability then I will hopefully be an organ donor. Through this process he has hideous high BP and as a consequence had many episodes in Hospital in ICU and now suffers from a neurological condition called PRES (due to the high BP) that is the background. I am a single Mum and he has a Twin amd a younger brother, we are all extremely close and I have a good bond with all 3. At the time of diagnosis he had a girlfriend and they are still together and she’s lovely and I love her to bits too. Since the diagnosis he has spent more and more time at her house with her and her parents and I have had no issue with this and nor do they. At first it was a few nights a week now it’s every night, so in essence he has moved out even if not officially. He has dialysis 3/4 times a week and obviously for a young person just starting out it’s a shit situation. My issue is he spends all the time at his GF’s and therefore when these medical episodes starts to present themselves I am not there to notice the signs and get him to emergency within a reasonable time. Just last week he had one of these episodes and ended up in ICU and had only just been released from hospital. When I went to collect him I assumed he would be coming home for a few nights until he was fully recovered. This condition effects his eyes so until it subsides his vision is really poor, (obviously can’t drive) but he told me he wanted to be dropped back off to his GF’s i personally think it’s a huge responsibility to put on another family as well as his GF, and I believe he should share the load by spending some nights there and some nights here. My question: is this unreasonable of me ? he is adamant he will not come home. I am so out of my mind with worry over this and he just can’t understand why I just want some compromise. I have spoken to the GF’s parents and they have refused to suggest he spends a few nights at home and basically have told him he’s welcome to stay as much as he wants. this isn’t a case of my trying to hold onto him as I can’t accept he has grown it’s related to his medical condition and doing what’s best for him so not to have a disastrous outcome.
14 Replies
They are irresponsible idiots!! You poor Mumma must be worried sick. I actually can’t believe they wouldn’t work with you on this. Best you just let him be. I hope he gets a donor soon. Hang in there Mumma.
I am giving him one of my kidneys 🙏
I can understand some of what you're experiencing. I was that chronically ill teenager trying to fight for my independence.
I was also acting out.
It's really hard being a mom to a child who is seriously unwell. But your son's girlfriends parents are there and are now pretty familiar with his illness, or they would definitely have to be.
The other thing is, he is an adult even though he is still a teenager. He has to start living his own life and although you don't think that's wise and I agree, you need to feel like you're protecting him, that's not going to take away from the fact there will be many opportunities down the track where he will need you and you will be there for him.
You just got to sit tight and respect his wishes as they are but let him know that if he needs you, you'll be there. You can also communicate with her parents too and let them know about things like drs appointments and care plans.
You're his mom, that won't change.
😘 thank you
I think no one cares for you like your mum, so if he’s choosing to go there, she’s caring for him ok. Also, he might not want to seem like a mamas boy going home to mummy, it’s part of him growing up and moving out and finding his independence in the world and his way of handling what he’s dealing with. I know an adult decision might be to go to yours, but he’s not fully adult yet - he’s only just starting out. You have to let him find his own way; and respect him to make his own decisions and manage his own health care.
You’ve spoken to her parents to try to get all you parents to make their choices? You see what I mean? I think that’s why he prefers it over there.
Send a hamper, take care of him as a mum would still, let him know the doors open but respect his decisions.
Also - how do you know you would have caught it earlier than they did? Do you not work? Spend more time with him than his girlfriend? I imagine she’s there all night every night. I understand you want to be the one, but that’s a big call to make.
I love your advice thanks - I had never really looked at this way before. The issue with his health is tricky. I do work FT but he goes downhill and fast and it’s nudging him to get to hospital as quickly as he can. Thank you
A difficult situation for sure. While yes, he is an adult, thats some pretty serious health concerns and your concerns are valid. Keep in contact with him daily, maybe leave some info with the gf and family about the signs to look out for and how important it is that he gets medical attention asap? Educate them, just let them know you're not being a paranoid mum you're just trying to avoid some pretty serious things.
I can imagine it truly sucks, unfortunately he’s an adult and has the right to decide where he lives wether he is sick or not.
We may not agree with our young adults decisions, but good or bad, he has the right to decide.
The only thing I can suggest is things that would help you come to terms with the situation.
The more you push at this age, the more likely he is to distance himself further from you.
Yes I agree, and this was my fear. We had a good chat a few days ago and hopefully come to some compromise. Thank you
I would feel 100 percent the same, this is life and death.
I sincerely hope the transplant happens soon xxx
Thank you
He is an adult and as much as we want to protect and care for our kids, especially if they are unwell. This really needs to be his decision.
I would try to take on a more supportive role. So ask his gf family if there is anything you can do e.g. take meals. Tell his gf she can talk to you if she ever wants to download or needs support. Also educate on some of the things you notice, although she may notice the same. You can still support him in an indirect way.
He is probably wanting to experience life as much as possible at the moment and does not want every little thing to be focused on his illness. Have a games night, invite them all to dinner or just do something other than focusing on him being ill. Very hard as a mum 😞 but he may be seeking some normality and mums tend to fuss, especially very loving ones 💗
I hope the transplant goes well and one day this is just a distant memory ((hugs))
Thank you
Thank you everyone for your lovely kind and wonderful advice. You have all given my something to think about. To clarify, my Sons GF has and is always welcome to stay and I’ve even suggested they move in, my main upset was over the fact that when I approached the GF’s mother for support on how we could “share the load” and they are the words I used, I wasn’t supported or understood, from one mother to another I felt like we could have worked out a way so everyone was happy and my anxiety over my Sons health could have been lessened by him staying over one or two nights (with his GF) I accept my Son is an adult and can make his own decisions about where he lives. The plan is to donate one of my kidneys to him and I’m hoping this is not too far away. Thank you all once again.