We have taken in a young woman that comes from a toxic family environment on and off for over the last several years.
Unfortunately they overstepped a boundary and reacted and continue to act childishly.
I have and my family have done everything we can to have made her welcome each time she asks us to stay. We have also given her advice etc on how to get help for the underlying issues physically and mentally that she is experiencing.
However it has all fallen on deaf ears and I am done!
This last instance has me ready to quit helping and ask her to leave our home, the only thing is the options available to her if we do are all toxic AF and I feel awful but also feel that she has to go. Argh!!! What do I do???
I don’t expect gratitude BUT more gratitude than attitude would be nice! I didn’t put up with this behaviour from my own kids why should I accept it now….
8 Replies
She’s asked for it. It’s not up to you, to keep saving her. If she can’t respect you and your home get her out. Honestly after all you have done, do you really think she would turn around and do the same for you, if you needed help. You don’t owe her anything. You have helped enough. Time she stood on her own 2 feet and learnt a lesson from this. Don’t feel bad for doing what is right for you and your family. Enough is enough. Some people just take the piss!
Unfortunately, sometimes it takes a person to get to the absolute pits of hell before they have that "I'm the only one that can help me" epiphany and to subsequently start taking personal accountability for their life, their choices, their behaviour, their mental health etc.
Actions have consequences irrespective of circumstances. You've offered refuge, she's made herself unwelcome. That is on her.
If all her other options are literal dumpster fires, that is not on you!!
In all honesty she sounds quite self destructive, by letting her stay with you every time this happens only for her to fuck it up or to run back to the dysfunction or completely reject any solid advice you offer, you're almost enabling her rather than helping.
I say that because I've been there. I lived this ridiculous cycle with my mother in law. When we ran to her aid all the time, she used it as a crutch. Eventually we had to say no more and let her sink or swim.
Yeah, she sank for a while but when she realised no one was gonna throw her a raft, she got up and did what she needed to do.
No, she needs to go, you need to maintain reasonable expectations or she has to go, otherwise you just become her enabler and she holds your house hostage.
I think you find her the place to go and let her know that you still love her and support her, but can’t have that behaviour in your house. So hopefully she thinks hard and learns from the harsh consequence and comes back grown up. The alternative is that you kick her out and she feels that it confirms that she’s a piece of shit and doesn’t belong anywhere and she’ll go a different way.
How old is she?
Kids that have experienced trauma can be the most difficult kids to love and shouldn't be compared to your own kids. Giving advice may seem like you're doing the right thing but to some kids it feels like you're not listening and just telling them what to do. If you feel as though you can't help her in your home get her to engage with services that can help her.
Sometimes they push the boundaries to see if you will give up on them too. Then when you do, you just confirm how they already feel about themselves 'I'm unloveable and noone cares about me'.
It takes a strong person and alot of therapy to hang in there. That is completely your choice depending upon the impact it is having on yourself and your family.
You did not say how old this girl is??
That's what happens when you step in to help kids that you think you're saving. There's a reason they're difficult and it's not always directly from a toxic family . She could very well be the cause of that. There are youth hostels and young adult agencies you can send her to. Look some up and see where there is a bed. She's not your problem . She's taking the piss now and making a mockery of your generosity.