Is it okay to say it’s your choice now… alcohol or me? I hate ultimatums too! I’m thinking when your tired of the shit that goes down when he does! I drink a glass or two when I drink, he drinks til drunk. That’s like a bottle or two. I’m thinking I also sound like such a cow to be thinking this! If he didn’t get the shits every time I go out to have a chat and a glass of wine with my friends and deny it all when I call it out, it’s not all the time. if he didn’t get slurry and obnoxious when hes drinking, I’ll add a have a 12yo old daughter just starting high school. He drinks so much he’s vomited, fallen over breaking shit. My last partner was an alcoholic and he suicide. My dad is an alcoholic and so not looking after his health in old age. I love hanging around this guy when things are good. Then alcohol issue enters and it’s over! For me! Am I being reasonable or batshit crazy?
8 Replies
Reasonable! Can’t stand it myself and I wouldn’t want to the life around it for me and my kids. They deserve better than to see that. Grown up around it too, hate it.
It’s not an ultimatum. It’s you setting firm boundaries, that is so healthy. However, don’t put it in his court. You have to set it for yourself - I can only stay here if he’s not getting drunk. And if he is, then you need to follow through on your own choice that you’re out.
I'd move out of my house to get my kids away from am addict. If he's drinking as much as you say, then yes he is one.
Talk to him about it when he is sober. See if he is willing to manage controlled drinking. Sometimes that is easier than complete abstinence. It may mean only purchasing two beers or learning to space them out over time so he is drinking less.
Tell him it is triggering for you especially with your ex. Talk to him about wanting to get healthy together and not wanting your daughter to grow up around this. Come from another angle first. He may need to see a Psychologist to address why he needs to drink as much as he does.
If he ignores you completely then I would record him acting silly and play it back when he is sober. Reality check him. Tell him you're out if he does not improve.
If he still does not get it, then he is not ready or willing to change 😞
Reasonable.
My ex said if it came to us to him drinking, he would choose drinking. I was pregnant at the time.
16 months later I left.
There's no way I want my child thinking this is ok. Our child sees it now and is against the drinking.
You are not being crazy for having boundaries and standards.
Totally reasonable. As I’m sure you know alcoholism is a disease that takes over a person and until they take full accountability and decide for themselves to go to AA and deal with it nothing will make them stop (even if they love their wife and children and don’t want to lose them). I also has an alcoholic dad and have repeated that pattern with partners (they have all had an addiction to something). Now single and happy as a pig in mud! I focus on my kids and myself and having a great coparent relationship which is much easier when you don’t have to deal with that crap in your home all the time! Don’t give him an ultimatum, just tell him he has to live somewhere else. If he does realise what he’s lost great, if not then you are out and living your best life for your child to see.
sounds like a smart hard boundary time to respectfully move away from this relationship look after your daughter and model healthy living
You are being reasonable. It's called setting boundaries and having firm values.
In saying that, you can't change someone and hope that giving them an ultimatum will get them to see what they are doing is harming you. My mum is an alcoholic and suffers from mental illness. She cannot control herself and drinks until she blacks out. She has overdosed on valium, she has knocked herself unconscious, she has fallen down stairs, gone for walks, tried to go visit her dying mother at 3am, amongst many other unhealthy things. I'm an adult and her alcoholism has scarred me. I'm also a parent, so I've had to protect my children from their grandmother. That means I've had to cut contact on a number of occasions. The only reason I hang around is because my dad won't leave her. He says "in sickness and in health, til death do us part blah blah blah". I wish he did though, because he has given her a life many woman and mothers could only wish for, he's been a true provider and the best she can do for him is attack him, turn it around on him, blame him, tell him he has the problem and recently, physically abuse him (mainly whilst he is asleep in the middle of the night). He's actually terrified of what she will do that he sleeps in a different room and locks the door. She is that bad, she drinks until she blacks out and has very little memory the next day. The biggest issue is, she is never sorry for her actions because she doesn't see it as a problem.
Please get out before it gets to that stage. No one deserves to live like my father. He's just turned 60 and instead of enjoying life and slowing down, he works himself harder to stay away from his house so he doesn't need to be near my mother. Don't end up in his prison.