Advice needed.
This afternoon, my 9yo daughter offered her dad a piece of chocolate (KitKat one rectangle / half a strip). He said no because of his gym diet. He continued to say he wants it, but he can't have it.
My daughter being her, heard the he wants it and said "come one dad, its just one rectangle, if you want it, have it".
He said "I'll eat it, if you eat a mouthful of sriracha chilli sauce".
So off she went to the fridge, in all faith, got out the sauce, filled a spoon.
Asked me if she should do it - I responded "I wouldn't, but it's really upto you - you don't like chilli anything".
She swallowed it all.
As he said "you can't have water, the deal only stands if you don't have water to help"
She tolerated it, kept swallowing - and succeeded her part of the deal.
He then went to the fridge, got a 1/4 of a rectangle, and preached "I didn't say how much I'd eat"
Which made her upset, as she's just had a full spoon of chilli sauce.
Then he puts in his mouth, chews it - and spits it in the bin.
My daughter and I said "You said you'd eat it"
He said "Eating doesn't include swallowing"
My daughter got upset, he didn't eat the chocolate when she did her part of the deal.
I googled the definition, and showed him where it says chew and swallow.
I also said, "come on, you made your daughter eat chilli sauce" to which he said "yeh, it was funny to watch, and it wasn't that hot" - I responded "You can't dismiss how hot it is, that's upto her to decide in her own feeling of it" - feeling total shivers when he said it was funny to watch.
I said to him, you need to eat the chocolate. You've essentially lied to and manipulated your daughter, and cheated the deal.
He raised his voice saying I'm turning this into something huge.
My daughter responded NO SHE'S NOT - YOU SAID YOU'D EAT THE CHOCOLATE.
He cracked it.
She's in tears - because he broke the deal.
He had a go at me, then refused to come to the park, so we went, just us two, with the dog.
I couldn't help but think to myself on the way, he had no intention that whole time.
My daughter said to me - she wants a different dad that supports her and loves her. - and that broke my heart.
We've come home, he's just chilling - I've given up being the first to reconcile (as most women do), and as he's walking out to the gym, I said "don't you think we should resolve this?"
To which he replied "There's nothing to resolve".
I'm not sure how I feel - the chilli, the spit out, the broken deal.
Is this something more than just playing? As Im not sitting easy with it.
36 Replies
Apart from all of this, teaching his daughter to eat food and spit it out, so she doesn’t gain weight is this worst part here. What is he teaching her? Yes he didn’t say that directly but this is the message he is giving her.
I can see him finding the chilli funny but aknowledge the deal and grow up. She’s a kid!
You know him and if it’s not sitting easy then it’s for a reason. My husband might find something like this funny but he would eat it and would be sympathetic to her eating chilli and holding up his end of the deal.
Regardless of the chili fiasco, your daughter told you she wants a dad that loves her and supports her.
From the mouth of babes, the blunt truth.
I would tell him about this comment and would be watching very closely on how he reacts.
That would be the answer for me, his reaction, and I would move forward accordingly.
It is unacceptable for a child to feel unloved in their own home by one of their parents.
Perhaps she’s seen mum going up against dad, basically saying he’s done wrong by the daughter when he hasn’t, they had a fun laugh and any one of them could call it off when they wanted.
Kids often say things that they don’t really mean. In reality, if he’s not abusive or harming her then I doubt she actually means this. If she said this about her mum, people would just think Meh she’s being a brat.
It may not be true, but his reaction would be very telling.
The OPs gut also shouldn't be dismissed.
If she said it about her mum, I wouldn't be meh, plenty of abusive mums out there.
Yes this is true. Only she knows what he’s like as a dad and person and what to do about it.
This is just a child that hasn't gotten her own way and "lost" a game/fight. The bigger lesson should have been a reflection on her own behaviour in all of this which is not good at all, yet she's come out of it having learnt nothing because she's getting treated like a victim and getting sympathy. Absolutely nothing stopping her from doing that to someone who is on a strict diet for serious reasons like diabetes, allergies, intolerance. And then when she gets older she will be leading the way peer pressuring other kids to do stuff they've said no to.
I actually agree with him here and disagree with your view that you can force someone to eat something - whether it’s chocolate or chilli makes no difference. It’s you doing the forcing. He did not force her.
He may have tricked her, but lesson learned for her - she never could have made him hold up his end. And what if he ate it first and then pushed this hard to make her hold up hers? I’d be super upset with him then.
She asked, he said no.
Why did it go so far?
Why has she learned it's ok to badger someone into doing something when they've said no?
And also learned to make herself the victim when she doesn't succeed
You both sound terribly immature. You both need to step up and parent together. The dynamic here from what you've described is reminiscent of teenage behaviours. Go and do PPP parenting course together so you can be on the same page.
That’s a bit extreme! Most parents aren’t on the same page 😂
That’s a bit shit, thinking ‘most parents are shit so that’s where I’m happy to be’
No one said most parents are shit?
Twisting words. If you read correctly, that does not say most parents are shit. Who would say such a thing. Just because most parents aren’t on the same page, doesn’t mean that they are shit, like you suggest!
What you think most parents do or don’t do is irrelevant. You dismissed a smart comment with a stupid remark.
As the poster said, their interactions seem immature, it’s a strange dynamic, and the child is the one caught in the middle. Getting help to sort that out can only be a good idea.
A Parenting course is extreme. Imagine her telling him now that we need to go to do a parenting course over this. The world had gone mad!
It's not really "extreme". I did a parenting course with my partner just because i felt it would be beneficial, I've also been to a few parenting seminars just to see if I could learn some new/better approaches. I found them really insightful!
Communication is clearly an issue for OP and her partner and they obviously don't have aligning parenting philosophies, getting some professional help, be that a parenting course or some family counselling is not a stupid suggestion by any stretch.
You don't really need a reason to do a parenting course, they're usually great for learning new strategies etc. I did PPP when my kids were younger.
The PPP courses are really good. My local child health clinic enrolled every mum that joined their information sessions when I had my first child. It's a really positive suggestion in my opinion.
Wow you've turned something so insignificant into something huge. The most important thing here is to teach your daughter to not keep going after someone said no. If she had learnt that then it wouldn't have escalated to this. Massive lesson in todays world.
He was joking by the sounds it this. I think it’s all been blown out of proportion.
She should have grabbed a big glass of milk to drink. Its more cooling than water anyway. He didn't say 'no milk' but if he wants to be a dog, I'd be secretly spiking his food later with with extra sugar, salt, spice watever.
Now she won't trust his arse again .
Make him appologise to her . It's the lease the pratt could do.. She's not his fkn brother boy for him to play games with .
You and your partner both missed opportunities to actually parent here.
He didn't want the chocolate - he should have said "You've already asked me if I wanted some and I said no. No means no, it doesn't mean keep asking. Thank you for offering to share your chocolate with me but i dont want any".
When she asked you if she should have the chilli sauce - you should have put a stop to this nonsense there and then, you should have reinforced the idea that no one has to eat anything they don't want to. No her, not dad.
This only blew up because neither of you acted like adults. He kept going to be a dick, that's pretty clear. You didn't step in as a voice of reason, as to why, that's not so clear...
If this was a once off, maybe let it go and just let it be a lesson for next time.
If this was not a once off, which I suspect is probably the case given your daughter's "I want a new dad" comment - you've got to start evaluating your relationship.
This!!! You should have stopped the nonsense when you had the chance. He repeated said no to the chocolate and this was a really good teaching moment. Yes, he was immature in the end but this was everyone not behaving well.
Sorry but your daughter sounds like a brat, stop being her friend and ganging up on your husband with her and start being a fkn parent
They're BOTH brats, actually .
There was some very emotionally immature parenting here, straight up from both of you.
This would have been an excellent opportunity to teach her about consent, free will, personal autonomy and respecting other people's boundaries.
Instead, she's left hurt and confused because no one communicated with her effectively. Dad tried to teach her a lesson (or act out of spite) with chilli sauce, mum sat back and passively let it happen.
You can't honestly expect a child to take anything positive from that! She's not a brat, she has been failed because she has never been appropriately taught.
People over complicate parenting sometimes. All she needed in this situation was clear verbal direction.
Because she's not gonna look back and think "Yeah, I shouldn't have pestered my dad about the chocolate", she's gonna look back and be like "Why did my dad do that to me and why didn't my mum stop him?".
Her dad didn't make her do anything. This title is misleading.
Your daughter was taught to badger someone into eating something he didn't want to and was told that he would if she ate Chili sauce after she annoyed him. She did eat it and he chewed then spat out chocolate he very clearly explained why he didn't want.
You should use this as a teaching point.
I do not agree with you.
Both of you could use some mature parenting going forward.
This sounds like one of my kids explaining an argument they had with their sibling
Excellent observation
I think it's all incredibly immature from both parents. He didn't shove chilli sauce into her mouth by force. You both should have dealt with this situation much much better and provided your child with better advice. She wants a new dad because she didn't get things her way? My kids would be wanting a new mum every day then. What will happen when you say no to her and she turns around and says "I want a new mum".
I don't know, but it's all so wrong and childish.
It’s not really as big an issue as you are making it. The biggest issues are that you are siding with your daughter and dad is unknowingly putting bad habits into your daughters head, about food.
Bottom line here is dad thought it was all a bit of fun!
Don’t worry you don’t need a parenting course like someone suggested. If anything pull him up on the food business, teaching her to spit food out. Last thing you want is her starting to spit food out and ending up with an eating disorder.
I think the biggest problem is that it just went way too far!
I can see that it started light-heartedly but it ended with a child being antagonised and taunted. That's not parenting and it's definitely not discipline, it's mean spirited at best.
I wholeheartedly disagree with all the people saying dad was in the right. He was right to correct the behaviour but entirely wrong for the way he went about it! Kids make mistakes, parents make mistakes, the only difference is that parents expect a little bit of grace when they mess up but are usually not willing to extend that same courtesy to children.
This needs to be discussed in my opinion. If he continues thinking that mind games are the way to go in terms of parenting, some tears and siracha sauce will be the least of your worries once she hits her teen years...
I assume it's been a few days since this incident and things have calmed down somewhat, try and talk to him about it again. Don't got in guns blazing or with blame, just calmly say "I really don't feel good about how we left things after the chilli sauce thing. Can we talk about it please". Ideally, all 3 of you should get together and talk it out, because I'm sure you each have different feelings about how it went down and theres some ownership you all can take here as individuals. Being able to resolve this together would go along way!
Eek. All I can think of is the pressure to eat something when you do not really want to. How many times as a female have I tried to eat healthy and heard 'one won't hurt'. It completely disregards how I am feeling and the effort I am putting in to try to stay healthy.
As for your daughter, dad can make it up another way e.g. read a book to her or take her for a bike ride. Why would you attack him trying to be healthy and back him into a corner.
Trying to lose weight myself, I would find this kinda gaslighting. Using the kids to undo all my hard work. I battle every day with my willpower. Find another way for them to resolve this conflict. Offer him another way out. You can either be a part of the problem or a part of the solution.
Honestly, this whole thing is so freakin weird, I can’t even 🤦♀️