We are currently on a 3 month holiday in our caravan, visiting all kinds of amazing places in Australia.
The problem is my 12 year old isn’t coping. He is missing his friends and (understandably) doesn’t want to hang out with his parents or “annoying” younger siblings.
He seems to be happy when we are doing activities, or he is using the internet, but the moment we stop or do something that gives him time to think, it’s all tears and anger.
He can’t offer up any solutions for things that would make him happy and just gets frustrated. He was like this during Covid lockdown too - he’s either yelling at me or asking for hugs (seriously, he asks several times an hour). Is this depression?
Any tips?
We still have another month of our trip and we’re hoping to go on another one for a similar amount of time in 6-12 months but now I just don’t know.
34 Replies
You don’t give into him, he is 12. I took my all kids on the Road at that age a few years ago. We had no technology at all. I think it’s the best thing for them. Get him to help cook. My kids had bikes, so they were on them everyday. They made camp fires, cooked on it most nights. I think support him but don’t give into him. Maybe take some time out, just you and him. Take him out and do lunch or movies as a treat on his own. He may be suffering some depression but this is the best thing for him, being out. Maybe kids are messaging him from home and he thinks he is missing out. My kids loved being on the road and having no technology helped, they didn’t get messages from people at home. I’d say he has some anxiety, when he stops he thinks. He will need a child psychologist help him, before the next trip. Enjoy your van life! Super jelly, it’s the best life!
Doesn't work out happily ever after for everyone. Not all kids love the vast outdoors
Yes especially these days 🙄
It’s not even about that. He has an underlying issue here and masking it won’t get to the bottom of it, to help him deal with it. With the right help and advice, he will be able to get through this & continue to travel in future. Stopping him and giving into his anxiety will only make it worse.
Sounds like he’s happy with a lifestyle that has routine and structured activities - maybe social/ friendships are important to him too at that age. How often do you move? Can you build in routine like a football club for a few weeks? Maybe enrol him in online school so he has an online class he’s part of. Or maybe leave him with family next time. I would seriously consider it. Travel isn’t for everybody, teen years are hard enough.
He sounds stressed. The activities are a distraction from that but aren't helping with whatever the underlying cause of his stress is, which at a guess is the nomad lifestyle. It's not for everyone.
My master 10 would hate a trip that meant he missed his mates and winter sport. They are still egocentric and selfish at this age. Completely normal.
Maybe try to understand what it is he misses and try to compromise.
Remember that not everyone is adventurous. Many people are comfortable in routine, structure and familiar.
While it is your perception that he is lucky to be on such a trip, the events, friends he is missing are important to him. That doesn’t necessarily mean he is depressed or anxious. He has had no control or say and he simply may not be enjoying himself and super lonely.
My kids get no say in our trips. They are kids and if you give kids the chance to sit home and hide behind technology they will. It’s only 3 months. They should absolutely be doing what they love. He needs to adjust and he will. This life & experience will teach him more than being at home or school will.
Please don’t assume that children who are not excited to leave their lives for a van trip are sitting at home behind technology.
Many are highly involved in sport and or school. Commitment and dedication and the sense of belonging are also very valuable.
You got the nail on the head these experiences are for the parents. The kids will look back and value the experience definitely. However right now his focus is what he has left behind.
He has no companionship and a series of long drives. His childlike brain can’t get excited for those things.
Also given he is 12 in NSW that makes it year 6 - he is missing a lot of lasts. Last athletics carnival etc
The timing of these long trips isn’t ideal for a child this age.
You are assuming he hates the entire trip?
Not at all. Now your telling stories!
I’m assuming he doesn’t like missing out on his life at home. That as said in original post he is lonely.
My parents were travellers back in the early 80s . We travelled around Australia in a mobile home it was the most desperately depressing time of my life. I was 11yrs old and although I loved seeing our beautiful country, I was deeply depressed. At that age, friendships are paramount to young mental health . Especially since my siblings and I were ripped from school with very little notice , home-schooling on the go, and deep dark depression. I'll never forget it and I'm 50 now. I was too young to appreciate the beauty in travel it was simply the wrong time for my young mind to handle. I couldn't do this if any of my kids didn't want to. Their childhood is such an impressionable, important time in their lives and if they weren't keen on it, I just wouldn't do it. Especially because I know how dark it felt for me when I was dragged around the Country against my consent .
Life on the road isn't for everyone.
So lockdown and your trip are the same for him.
Shouldn't that tell you something?
Lesson learnt I guess.
Some kids are really social and need their friendships for their mental health, he's obviously one of them.
I wouldn't do another trip with him, it's messing with his head.
Is this his first year of high school?
Did he get to start with his friends?
I'm surprised you'd do it at such an important time, education wise.
High school is a big transition, they need time to settle in, I would be stressed too if I was him, knowing I'm missing the first few months and forming friendships.
Oh please! My daughters first year of high school has been nothing but disrespectful brats of teenagers, disrespecting teachers, vaping, swearing like it’s going out of fashion, addicted to phones. This family is giving their kids the best life experience and they aren’t missing much in year 7! So let’s all let a 10 year old dictate how we should live because it doesn’t suit them. They should absolutely go on their next trip! A little bit of professional support for him and his anxiety around this will go a long way, preparing him for his next trip.
The only lesson learnt here love is bringing an underlying anxiety issue to light. It’s a blessing in disguise. Now mum can have him well prepared for his next holiday.
If it's only three months, why not do most of it over Christmas?
Think back to when you were 12, starting high school.
I have more of an anxious type personality and moving from primary to high school was a big transition for me.
Taking a holiday at that time would of sent me in a spin.
It's not about a 12 year old dictating, it's about doing things at the right time and putting their needs first.
Isn't that what parents are supposed to do?
Empathy is always seen as a weakness for the adults who parent, my way or the highway.
Just because you're an adult "love", doesn't mean you're a dictator of the household.
All you see as the first year of HS is all the stuff you listed, you can't even see it from the point of view of a 12 year old.
Making friends, lots of new people, new timetables/different teachers for every class to navigate, finding your place with your peers, new subjects etc.
It's a lot and all you see is the bad behaviour.
Yep he isn’t missing much at school. Learning so much more in life on the road.
Not missing much at school… your not serious? You do realise most courses are built up on. So concepts missed will have to be made up in order for him to grasp what they are up to when he goes back?
Education is pretty crucial to success. The ability to learn and accrue knowledge..
Dictator 🙄 If I had the choice of my kids first year of high school with what they have already seen, I’d certainly pick the Highway in the caravan. They are living the life and maybe those who don’t enjoy that life style. It’s not for everyone but they shouldn’t quit this because of their son. It’s only a short time away. The right people can help him manage this. Pulling him out of it only fuels his anxiety and creates avoidance.
A dictator but you are saying that they should let their child dictate their life, when to travel. Let him dictate this and they will never get to live their life, the way they want to in the outdoors. She never said that he hated it, only when he stops. This is called anxiety. You do realise their is help for this. Life skills and experience for 3 months are better than any classroom.
Many reasons for not doing this over Xmas.., weather, high costs, packed out, can’t find a spot to stay. The list goes on. They don’t need to travel when it suits their son. They need to go when it suits their working lives & schedules. He will be fine once they treat his underlying issues, with the right help and coping skills.
Yes of-course, do it around your work schedules, not the kid's education needs, don't ever put your children's needs first.
How dare we even suggest that?
It sounds like he has anxiety or adhd. When you get back, see a child psychologist to help him with some coping strategies, ready for your next trip. Don’t put your life on hold because of it. Enjoy it now, before he hits the later important years of high school.
This sounds like he has anxiety. When his mind stops, it races. Plan your next holiday. This will lead to avoidance,if you dont end up going. He needs to see someone experienced ( psychologist ) with anxiety, to get to the bottom of it, so he knows how to manage this. He probably does not understand, he has anxiety. If it’s not this trip , it will be something else. It’s important that he gets the right treatment, so he can understand why he is like this and know how to cope with this going forward. My oldest son had a scary landing on flight a few months ago. Then he became very determined not to go on a plane ever again. He was getting angry and upset over it. He’s not getting a choice. We just had to get the right help to support him with it. We don’t dismiss it. We listen to him, We acknowledge it but he doesn’t get the choice. He is improving immensely with help. Starting to write lists if things he wants to do on our holiday. You don’t want your son in avoidance mode. It’s not healthy, it’s a vicious cycle and it gets worse. I am speaking from experience. I have lived this with my son since age 5.
It could be anxiety, it could be depression or ADHD. It could just be that this nomadic lifestyle isn't for him and it's affecting his emotional wellbeing.
I can tell you now, I'd absolutely hate being stuck in a van with my family for 3 months (as much as I love them, I'm an introvert and I need my space). I'd also hate travelling this way. The great thing is, I'm an adult and I don't have to do anything I don't want to do, yet kids get dragged from pilar to post with no real say in the matter and are expected to be grateful for the experience...
Personally, I think you need to consider whether these extended trips are in his best interests. Maybe more frequent but shorter trips would suit him better. His social needs sound quite high and I feel like that does need to be taken into account.
Love this advice !!
Me too!!
Your child is showing a need not being fulfilled. I think others are right in saying this lifestyle just isn't for him, especially if he isn't like this at home (covid excluded).
I don't think taking him to a psychologist for something he simply isn't into is teaching him, or your other children, acceptable ways to deal with simple differences.
What is it about home that he doesn't get during travel/lock downs? Is it social? The school routine/life/environment? How can you incorporate these things? There are heaps of fabulous suggestions in the comments.
There is always a way for everyone to be happy and have their needs fulfilled. Compromise also shows your children they're heard, safe and loved, and teaches them a valuable lesson.
This is anxiety it’s obvious. He needs to face these fears with the right help. Like she said, he is enjoying it until he stops and it seems as though he doesn’t understand why. This is something they need to get to the bottom of. Covid may have triggered anxiety in him. It did for many people and professional help, for him to understand why he feels this way, is the only way. Psychologist are amazing at helping kids and finding out their fears that we as parents aren’t even aware of.
If he's having the same anxiety responses elsewhere in life, I would probably jump to anxiety and professionals as well. This mother knows her child best and I feel we have all given her good advice from both sides of the coin
How big is the age gap between siblings?
The younger kids are less capable and probably take majority of attention on the journey.
He just has to go with the flow.
He is probably bored and lonely
We used to do a lot of 4wding with our family and friends, we would have 4 or more families with us. Amazing right…..
I was always the oldest by a few years, Adults are hanging out, lil kids are having fun….me….too young to explore too far away, too old to play with little kids…I found it boring
It really wasn’t till I had my L’s and P’s and my own 4wd did I enjoy it.
We had motor bikes and dunes buggies ect…we got to hang off the car, all that was super fun, but the other times I didn’t fit any where.
I have a now year 7 and year 8.
My year 7 wouldn’t love being away from her friends, in covid we moved house, she did year 6 at a new school. She integrated well because she is super social and she knew her new and old friends would be in high school with her again. My year 8 wouldn’t care, he is happy with his own company or casual friends.
That's a very valid point you made first up.
I'm 5 years older than my brother, 10 years older than my step sister and also the oldest of my cousins. I mentioned to my mum recently that I felt lonely as a child, she scoffed and basically told me I was being ridiculous seeing as I grew up with a heap of other kids. I didn't grow up WITH the other kids, I grew up BEFORE the other kids who I was sent off to play with/entertain because the adults didn't want me hanging around...
Pre teens need to spend time with other kids their own age. That is probably what the issue is here.
Wow some full on responses here. My son struggled with lock down, and would probably would not love that sort of holiday. 12 is a shitty age for most boys hormones are going nuts, he's not a man but not a kid. I found my son actually stuggles with the lack of routine. He needs to know what is next and that he know what is happening. We also through a lot or tears found out he has inattentive ADHD, so we didn't see much of it prior to lock down cause he was busy always in the move and that kinda masked so of it. Then routine was gone and he had to sort his shit himself (and it was a hot mess) Highly emotional missed his mates and sport but didn't articulate that. Diagnosis and understanding helped a lot. That said if your 12 yr old is miserable you have to consider what is driving those emotions. this is a you holiday and if it's causing so much story for everyone involved, why would you do it again. You can travel in 10 years when the kids are adults. Good luck but i would be seeking to understand his behaviour rather than pushing him more